Shawn Spencer: A chance to go undercover in high school, a la "21 Jump Street." Obviously I'm Johnny Depp. Sadly, you can only pass for Holly Robinson.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why can't I be Richard Grieco?
Shawn Spencer: Why would you want to be Richard Grieco?
Shawn Spencer: The meeting's at two, we'd better hurry.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [checking his watch] It's two-eighteen.
Shawn Spencer: Well, *somebody* had to to have the Belgian chocolate fondue, didn't they?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That was you, Shawn.
Shawn Spencer: Well played, sir.
Juliet O'Hara: Guess what today is.
Carlton Lassiter: It's not one of those touchy-feely holidays invented by card companies to goad me into buying a present for someone I couldn't care less about, is it?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Now, kissing someone for the first time can be tricky business. I like to employ the Kadeem Hardison method. When you're on a date...
[several hands go up]
Shawn Spencer: Ah, I can sense a question forming in all of your little minds. If it's "Who is Kadeem Hardison?" or "How do we ask someone on a date?", put them down.
[hands go down]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Look at this class. You're all a bunch of dudes.
Girl That Looks Like a Boy: Um, we're girls.
Shawn Spencer: That's awkward.
Shawn Spencer: [looking through the school's lost and found] Who loses a microscope and doesn't come looking for it?
Juliet O'Hara: [to secretary] Hi, SBPD. Can we please get the class schedules for these students? Thank you.
[secretary nods, walks away]
Carlton Lassiter: Lesson number three: Don't say "please", don't say "thank you", and definitely don't say "hi". Spirit squad auditions were over ten years ago. You're an authority figure. Act like it.
Juliet O'Hara: Ever heard, "You catch more flies with honey"?
Carlton Lassiter: Lesson number four: Don't quote cornpone country-bumpkin sayings to your commanding officer.
Juliet O'Hara: How many lessons are there?
Carlton Lassiter: Six hundred and thirty-eight.
Juliet O'Hara: Seriously, are you guys working my case?
Shawn Spencer: Case? What case? No, no, no, they've been after me for a while now to teach a class.
Carlton Lassiter: [to Juliet] What do we say?
Juliet O'Hara: Hmm? Oh, right.
[Juliet clears her throat, then lifts her finger at Shawn]
Juliet O'Hara: Stay out of our way and don't get involved, Spencer!
Shockley: Guys, can you help us?
Shawn Spencer: Is a lizard's skin dry and cracked?
[kids whisper to each other for several moments]
Goddard: We believe that it is.
Shawn Spencer: Your negativity is really impeding my psychic ability.
Kirk: Or you're just a big fraud.
Shawn Spencer: Know what? Go to the principal's office.
Kirk: Wait a sec...
Shawn Spencer: Get out of here, go. Go, go, get out of here. Get OUT of here!
Shawn Spencer: [to the class] None of you should be friends with him.
Shawn Spencer: Look, if I understood what you guys are saying... I'd still be a virgin.
Shockley: Shouldn't you be doing psychic stuff? Someone could be killed in the next forty-eight hours... possibly one of us.
Shawn Spencer: If you're so smart, why don't you solve the thing?
Shockley: Midterms. Duh!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Did something happen here on Friday night?
Jemison: Oh... um, no, nothing springs to mind... uh...
Shawn Spencer: I can sense you're lying. Spirits tell me your little pants are on fire.
[Shawn has just accused Kirk of a fifteen year old murder]
Carlton Lassiter: What, are you nuts? He's a kid.
Shawn Spencer: True. So how could this be possible, class?
Shockley: Time travel. He cryogenically froze himself in order to travel to the future.
Shawn Spencer: No.
Goddard: He's a clone of the original!
Shawn Spencer: Know what? Never mind, guys. Just... save it for your online role-play.
Shawn Spencer: Why are you so eager?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Same as you: I was a KING in high school!
Shawn Spencer: Just because you carried a scepter doesn't make you a king.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That's because I was in "Macbeth".
Shawn Spencer: Dude, you played Banquo's kid.
Juliet O'Hara: If you confess now, name your accomplices, I will let the D.A. know you cooperated and maybe, just maybe, no guarantees, JUST maybe... they'll cut you a break.
[pauses, then flips a chair for emphasis]
Carlton Lassiter: It's terrible.
Juliet O'Hara: What?
Carlton Lassiter: Am I scared? Am I quaking? No. That was what I call "lower-case" mad. You need to be "upper-case" mad.
Carlton Lassiter: Listen, O'Hara... given your slightly pedestrian performance and the fact that this has now jumped to a straight-up homicide, maybe I should take over as lead.
Juliet O'Hara: But why? This is my case!
Carlton Lassiter: Which was fine when it was just kids telling tales, but... there are certain nuances involved in a murder investigation which require a more experienced touch.
Juliet O'Hara: Nuances the chief says I'll learn by being primary.
Carlton Lassiter: Yeah, but...
Juliet O'Hara: But what?
Carlton Lassiter: There was an explosion. I've never had a case with an explosion before. I've had assault and burglary cases, once I even had a murder by thermometer, but I've never had an explosion. I mean, come on! Haven't you ever pictured yourself trying to outrun a fireball down a dark tunnel?
Juliet O'Hara: No.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Shawn coughs after a cloud of dust comes out of a file drawer he just opened] What are you doing?
Shawn Spencer: Getting the Plague, apparently.
Juliet O'Hara: This anniversary means that my one year probationary period is over. So, what I want...that is, what would be good...what I'm trying to say is...I think I'm entitled to be primary on a case.
Carlton Lassiter: How late are the shops open tonight?
Carlton Lassiter: [about Kirk] He's wearing makeup.
Shockley: Is he gay?
Shawn Spencer: No. Well, maybe. Look, I don't...I don't know.
Shawn Spencer: [about Kirk] The reason he's wearing makeup is that he's actually thirty, trying to pass for a teenager.
Juliet O'Hara: Thirty?
[turns to Kirk]
Juliet O'Hara: What kind of moisturizer do you use?
Henry Spencer: [points to Shawn's knight] What do you call this piece?
Young Shawn: I call it Dwight.
Young Shawn: [playing chess with his dad] Oh what's the term?
Henry Spencer: Shawn..
Young Shawn: Oh yeah,
Young Shawn: checkmate.