- PJ Franklin: [about Brendan] Okay, does anybody know that douchebag who just left?
- Mike: Not me. I don't hang with douches.
- Stephanie: What's wrong with him?
- Kenny: Ever since you gave him that 'Sexiest Bachelor' thing, he's been shortening his words. "Waffs" and "Vods."
- Bobby: Yeah, it's... annoy.
- PJ Franklin: It was so weird. All she wanted to do today was "Spa" and "Club."
- Andy: I like your verbs that are things. I think I'm gonna sandwich after I sofa here for a bit.
- Mike: [reading his letter] Brendan, you screened my call, douchebag. You're a really big douche! If you were a superhero, you'd be Captain Douchebag. Your superpowers would be screening calls and the ability to wreck any hang, *Douche*. And then I drew a picture of you as Captain Douchebag.
- PJ Franklin: Who's he fighting?
- Mike: That's a giant lizard.
- [Andy's neighbor mowed his lawn for him]
- Andy: I should do something nice for Fitzy in return. What-what's the protocol?
- Bobby: I don't know. You could reseal his driveway for him. That's a suburbs thing, right?
- Andy: Yeah, but where does it end? He paints my house, I put a pool in his backyard. Next thing you know, we're raising a barn like an Amish community.
- PJ Franklin: [excited] Lyssa is coming in from New York for the weekend. She's my old buddy from college, the editor of my newspaper.
- [the boys don't react]
- PJ Franklin: [excited] She gave me my first column.
- [the boys still don't react]
- PJ Franklin: [dropping her enthusiasm] She's hot and single.
- Mike, Kenny: [finally interested] Ohhhhh!
- PJ Franklin: [voiceover] Every player starts out as a humble rookie. Along the way, the challenge is: how do you stay that way throughout your career?
- Brendan Dorff: Oh, guys, do me a solid and cover my C's and vods. Only got enough cash for a tax. Peace.
- [exits]
- Debbie: [trying to decide where to go while visiting Chicago] How 'bout The Lab Rat?
- Lyssa: Ooo, that sounds perfect. What is it?
- Debbie: It's New York Chicago's favorite New York nightclub in Chicago.
- PJ Franklin: What's "New York Chicago?"
- Lyssa: It's our tour book that lists places that are just like New York... in other cities.
- PJ Franklin: [voiceover] Most entourages are just yes men. They ensure the all-star keeps believing their own hype, but the good ones make sure that, even in success, the player stays grounded.
- PJ Franklin: Okay, that is enough! Brendan, come on, you are NOT mean and awful! Why are you acting like this? This isn't you. I mean, come on, man, look at your belt.
- Brendan Dorff: Hey, you know what...
- PJ Franklin: LOOK AT IT!
- PJ Franklin: [voiceover] In success, the challenge is: don't forget where you came from. It sounds easy, but sometimes you need help from the people who love you.