Jibby Newsome: [after turning on "Dawson's Creek" in his motel room] James Van Der Beek, my nigga!
Ivy Selleck: Mister Ready, this business has been in our family for 40 years, so no sleazy stuff okay?
Don Ready: Don't worry about it darlin' we're not going to break the rules, we're just going to bend them a little bit...
Ivy Selleck: [wiggles around faking enthusiasm] Okay, okay. I just, I know your type. You know it's all the thrill of the hunt, I get it. I mean you crave it, you corner it, but mister Ready let me ask you a question. You know what to do when you catch it?
[awkward silence drops around the dinner table]
Don Ready: Are we talking about pussy?
Don Ready: I had to take my pants off and nibble my Old Spice down to three ounces just to get on the plane, Stacey!
Stewardess Stacey: They made me throw out my mouthwash.
Brent Gage: I had to give up my bath jellies.
Babs Merrick: They made me breast feed some old man.
Brent Gage: In schoolyards, "Don Ready" is a euphemism for a hard-on.
DeeJay: Nobody tells deejay request what to play. Let them tell you what to play, they lose respect for you. They lose respect for you, you lose control. Not today...
[let's his own words sink in and starts smiling]
DeeJay: All right!
Don Ready: You give away free hot dogs and put up an inflatable gorilla, shit's gonna go down.
Don Ready: Hey, uh, Paxton... Lance Bass called, He said he, uh... Oh, fucking forget it.
Paxton Harding: Yeah, like he would have your number.
Stu Harding: Hey, Lance Bass never opened for OTown, My boy did. You can Google it.
Paxton Harding: Yeah. I told them that already, dad. They refused to Google it.
DeeJay: [in cheerful DJ voice] Hey guys! A couple of guys came in here earlier looking for Vanessa and I got a little bit of bad news for you... Vanessa is dead! Here's Radio Moscow...
Ben Selleck: And who is this guy? Well you are a strapping young man.
Brent Gage: Brent Gage, Sir.
Ben Selleck: Brent Gage, Now that is a strong name. I don't know why but right off the bat i like you... *a lot*
Jibby Newsome: Listen man, I haven't been home in a year and a half... and I'm about 90% sure I left the front door open.
Teddy Dang: Ahhhh, it feels like a Smurf jizzed all over my face!
Jibby Newsome: I'm
Jibby Newsome: making love.
Heather: [moans] making love.
Jibby Newsome: You know what nobody ever told me 'bout making love?
Jibby Newsome: How borin' it is.
Jibby Newsome: [pause] You can do anything you want. My safe word is blueberry pancakes.
Don Ready: Hey McDermott, we did it. A happy ending!
McDermott: Yeah, if you call selling cars in Temecula a happy ending.
Angels: [signing] Temecula! It's not even motherfucking Fresno!
Ben Selleck: Look, I may be old fashioned, but when a man tells me to wear my boner pants I wear my boner pants.
Dick Lewiston: I never cared much for Jews, queers, or fuckin' Eskimos. It was just the way I was raised.
Brent Gage: Is that it?
Dick Lewiston: Yeah! I thought we were opening up here!
Dick Lewiston: Rock climbing? Why would anybody go climb a rock? Man, things are changing. I remember when men were "men" and women were "gals" and we called coloreds "coloreds"...
Babs Merrick: Honey, we just finished the last job three hours ago. I still smell like customer!
Stewardess Stacey: Sir, there's no smoking on airplanes.
Don Ready: I know! It's ridiculous, isn't it? Don't worry about it, I'll be quick.
Don Ready: Like Henry David Thoreau and Rosa Parks and David Lee Roth when he left Van Halen we can say "Enough! Enough injustice!"
Don Ready: I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm... I'm a Christian man or whatever religion dominates the region I'm selling in, but you have to admit it did sound like she was talking about the big va-jay-jay, right?
McDermott: Most people who're this situation, their life flashes before their eyes and they go through a list of regrets. For the next 45 seconds I want to go through the list of things I've done right. Number one. Full length back tattoo of the Hawaiian punch guy. 10% real fruit juice MOTHER FUCKERS!
Don Ready: I'm Don "The Goods" Ready. Everyone here told you their story, here's mine... I have hair on my balls and I sell cars. The end.
Don Ready: Alright everyone just calm down. Bottom line, we have all just committed a federal offense. Which means that G-men are going to be crawling all over this lot. Let's get our stories straight... Dang came at us with a samurai sword, fire extinguisher and Chinese throwing stars.
Brent Gage: Fat kids... customer hates you. Fat wife... customer pities you. Shit Zooha, that's the best fat wife I've seen in four or five years. Can I have a copy of it?
Jibby Newsome: See, I try to tell women all the time... Auto Lister is like MySpace for serial killers.
Selleck Customer - Gary: It's a good car, right?
Babs Merrick: No.
Selleck Customer - Gary: I don't give a shit. I'll push the motherfucker.
Babs Merrick: Go see the dudes in the back. Run, man!
Don Ready: Are you in a boy band?
Paxton Harding: No. I'm in a man band. We're all over 30. We call it a man band.
Don Ready: You're men in a boy band.
Brent Gage: [during lap dance] Oh, that's disgusting! But don't get me wrong... I have an erection.
Babs Merrick: You're a virgin?
Jibby Newsome: Oh, hell no!
Babs Merrick: Oh.
Jibby Newsome: No, I been with hundreds of women... maybe thousands. I... I just ain't never really ever made love to a woman. You know, I've done 3-ways, 4-ways, menage-a-tois, menage sept, menage seises... I've sixty-nined, eighty-nined... one hundred fourteened. Golden, diamond and platinum showers. I like that. I mean, I ripped shit up. Done all that... but I ain't never ever made love to a woman.
DeeJay: Hey guys! Get those food orders in quickly 'cause in 25 minutes the kitchen is rented out for a porno shoot. Are you disgusted? I am!
Babs Merrick: Make no mistake, gentlemen. When you die... poop... leaves... your butt.
Brent Gage: [Knocking on motel room door] Come on Don... come on.
Babs Merrick: What's going on? Don's never been late for the last day of a sale.
Ivy Selleck: [Opening door] Don's gone. Aaaaand you did not see me here. Okay.
Babs Merrick: Well did he go to the lot?
Ivy Selleck: I don't know. He kind of just freaked out and left.
Jibby Newsome: 'Querque all over again.
Babs Merrick: Fuckin' 'Querque.
Blake: Are you saying I should pretend to be his son? Because Brent, that's fucked up.
Brent Gage: Is it? Or is it fucked down?
Don Ready: And we're looking at an even better day tomorrow. Bo Bice's brother comin' in here to sing some tunes.
Wade Zooha: Shut up! Eric Bice?
Don Ready: Don't even get me started on Pearl Harbor, our Navy boys out there enjoying the nice Hawaiian sun when here come the Japs flyin' in low and fast
Dick Lewiston: She's a real beauty huh? Yep a real beaut... This car is for you. Now let me guess, the man of the house needs a second car so the little lady can go to the garden club while you play gin rummy... with the boys huh?
Selleck Customer - Wife: Actually we need a car so we can go rock climbing.
Dick Lewiston: Rock climbing? Why would anybody go climb a rock? Man things are changing i remember when men were men and women were gals and we called coloreds... coloreds.
Selleck Customer - Wife: You know actually i think were gonna get going.
Dick Lewiston: Come on sweetie now don't be a bitch lets talk some numbers here.
Selleck Customer - Husband: Hey hey hey don't talk to my wife like that.
Dick Lewiston: Hey boy! I fought in the big war i mean *NOBODY* tells me what to do! Hold this.
[punches customer in face]
Teddy Dang: Mr. Selleck, I think i made a sale.
Ben Selleck: Terrific, good job Teddy!
Teddy Dang: And he wants to pay in cash, non sequential unmarked bills, neatly packed in this canvas bag.
Ben Selleck: well thats a bank bag Teddy...
[bag full of blue dye packs explodes in Teddy's face, customer speeds away]
Teddy Dang: Ah! My eyes, My eyes! My Lasik!
Ben Selleck: Awe shit somebody call the cops.
Teddy Dang: It Burns!
Ben Selleck: Teddy go flush your eyes out.
Teddy Dang: I feel like a smurf just jizzed in my face!
Don Ready: You're here from Selleck Motors?
Peter Selleck: No but my dad is.
Don Ready: You know you're supposed to put the name of the party you're picking up not your own. Love the drawing though.
Peter Selleck: Yea I'm a really good drawer, I like to draw stomach muscles the most. I can also draw Darth Vader's Helmet, I can also draw him, I can draw uhh a saber, A lightsaber or a regular sword it dudnt even matter
Don Ready: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are ya drunk? Are you retarded? Because were here to help you.
Peter Selleck: Don't move! Dad! Amber Alert! Adult! Stranger Danger Stranger Danger! Dad!
Babs Merrick: Looks like it wasn't the fax ink, hes some sort of man child.
Ben Selleck: Its a pituitary problem ma'am, Hes 10... in the developing body of an adult
Don Ready: Awe I'm sorry buddy, I'm totally sorry. Put it up there high five, good effort there
Ben Selleck: Hey Brent, you see my wife over there?
Brent Gage: Yea
Ben Selleck: it is a *dead* marriage but, ya know, ya learn to live with it. Drive around out at night windows down, music up. Some people call it cruisin' me i call it looking for a friend. Are you my friend Brent?
Brent Gage: No!
Don Ready: Make sure your underwear is *tight* tomorrow... because you will have a boner.
Peter Selleck: Hahaha!
Jibby Newsome: Amen
Ben Selleck: I like the sound of that, Right Brent?
Brent Gage: [Ben is looking at him sexually] Hey... Come on man. Uh Jibby was a pro-baller for two years on the tour. Hes got a lot of great stories.
Tammy Selleck: You know Paxton here is in one of those popular bands in Temecula. Balls out!
Paxton Harding: No Big ups.
Tammy Selleck: Big Ups.
Don Ready: Either way.
Paxton Harding: Big ups is the name of the band! It's me and Ricky and Jason and we ya know we sing about life and love and passion, I'm not gonna lie to you we have some pretty *sick* dance moves.
Don Ready: Are, are you in a boy band?
Paxton Harding: No I'm in a man band, Were all over 30 we call it a man band,
Don Ready: You're... You're men in a boy band.
Paxton Harding: We open for O-Town! Right here in Temecula okay. Google it.
Brent Gage: No.
Paxton Harding: Google it
Brent Gage: No.
Paxton Harding: Why wouldn't you Google it, I just told you to Google it. Google "Big Ups"
Babs Merrick: No i Googled it, it said you *fucking* blow.
Paxton Harding: That was O-Town's website.
Paxton Harding: You know what. I'm rising above this, while you guys are yukking it up I'm gonna go rehearse with Big Ups.
Brent Gage: You can do this. You are a winner. Don Ready has the heart of a champion.
Don Ready: I'm a fucking stallion. I should be owned by a goddamn middle eastern sheik!
Brent Gage: There's almost no doubt you invented the phrase "It's all good".
Brent Gage: In the schoolyard a Don Ready is a euphemism for a hard-on.
Brent Gage: You were the first person to wear a Von Dutch trucker hat.
Don Ready: I really regret that!
Brent Gage: As well you should.
Brent Gage: Mmmm look at my husband, looks like hes got a Don Ready!
Don Ready: Give me a minute.
Dick Lewiston: I feel exactly like i did before i landed on Iwo Jima. I *swear* to *God*! there's no difference at all!