State Trooper: Where are you boys from?
Clive Gollings: ...England.
State Trooper: I heard about that place: no guns.
Graeme Willy: Not many...
Clive Gollings: No, not really, just... farmers.
State Trooper: Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?
Graeme Willy: [Uncomfortable] Well they don't...
Clive Gollings: They- they try not to...
[the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]
Gas Station Attendant: [Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.
Graeme Willy: Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something.
[They hastily exit the store]
Agent Zoil: Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.
Clive Gollings: Thank you, Agent Zoil.
Agent Zoil: Please call me Lorenzo.
Graeme Willy: You are an alien!
Paul: To you I am, yes.
Graeme Willy: Are you gonna probe us?
Paul: *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?
Graeme Willy: Whats the matter Clive?
Clive Gollings: There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.
Graeme Willy: Did you want tea?
Clive Gollings: No, I don't want tea!
Graeme Willy: Right, because tea is weird in America.
Clive Gollings: What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?
Graeme Willy: Well apparently they don't do that.
Paul: [Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?
Clive Gollings: [Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.
Paul: [Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you
[Clive and Graham turn around]
Paul: Put... the phone... down!
Clive Gollings: [Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!
Paul: Aw fuck me.
Graeme Willy: [Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?
Paul: I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!
Graeme Willy: But you made him faint!
Paul: It's not like I set my phaser to faint!
Graeme Willy: You've got a phaser?
Clive Gollings: Agent Mulder was right!
Paul: Agent Mulder was my idea!
Sword Vendor: That there's the Black Vampire. Watch out! She bites.
Clive Gollings: How much?
Sword Vendor: $1349.99
Graeme Willy: Aren't you going to get it?
Clive Gollings: [Speaking in Klingon] Fuck that.
Paul: [Paul is posing on the couch as Graeme prepares to draw him] Are you gonna draw me like your French girls, Jack?
[blows a kiss]
Haggard: I am authorized to use deadly force! Stand down!
Moses Buggs: That thing's got my daughter!
Haggard: Stand down! This is not your mission!
Moses Buggs: I'm on a mission from God!
Haggard: Tell him you failed!
Paul: [after getting frisked inappropriately by O'Reilly] Get your goddamn hands off my motherfuckin' junk!
O'Reilly: [Runs and screams outside of gift shop to Haggard] It's in there! It's in there!
Clive Gollings: They're going to rape us and break our arms!
Graeme Willy: I don't want my arms broken.
Paul: [Lighting a joint and takes a hit] Do you guys partake?
Graeme Willy: No. Thank you.
Ruth Buggs: I'll partake.
Paul: Are you sure? It's pretty strong shit. I get it from the military. I think this is the stuff that killed Dylan.
Graeme Willy: Bob Dylan's not dead.
Paul: [smiles] Isn't he?
Graeme Willy: Paul, what happens if you get caught?
Paul: Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's fucked... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?
Clive Gollings: Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.
Paul: [sings] Clive likes boning space bears!
Ruth Buggs: The world is 4000 years old and can only be the product of intelligent design.
Paul: [offscreen in the bathroom] That's horseshit!
Graeme Willy: How come I can understand you? Are you using some neural language router?
Paul: Actually I'm speaking English you fucking idiot!
Adam Shadowchild: [Upon seeing the cover of Clive Gollings' book, which shows an alien woman with 3 breasts] Three tits? Awesome.
Graeme Willy: [while under the impression that Clive and he are being chased by rednecks] This is just like Deliverance!
Clive Gollings: Ever since I saw "Mac and Me", I've dreamed about meeting you!
Ruth Buggs: Fuck-a-roo, that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.
Paul: I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth? Look, cursing's fun, you just gotta pick your moments, okay?
Graeme Willy: Hey, maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry?
Paul: Fuck yeeah!
Ruth Buggs: You bet your big fat cock I am!
Paul: [about boning an Ewok chick] What was it like?
Clive Gollings: Well... she was 'furry' nice!
Ruth Buggs: [after 'partaking'] I'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages?
Graeme Willy: Uhh...
Ruth Buggs: What do you mean by that? Why do you guys hate me? Can we cook up some sausages? Ohh I have wasps in my brain!
Paul: She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.
Haggard: [Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?
Graeme Willy: Oh, no, that's Clive's...
Clive Gollings: It's my novel.
Haggard: [Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!
O'Reilly: That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.
Graeme Willy: [Looking disgusted] That's just sick.
O'Reilly: I was just sayin'...
Paul: [shouting out the RV window as Graeme and Clive walk into a gas station] Hey! Reese's Pieces! Thank you!
Ruth Buggs: So everything that I have been told my whole life, is just a big fat lie? Do you know how that feels?
Graeme Willy: Look. Just because your truth, isn't the true truth, doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.
Ruth Buggs: That's easy for you to say.
Graeme Willy: It's really not.
Paul: This is America. Kidnapping a Christian is worse than harboring a fugitive.
The Big Guy: [from the extended version] Shit, I'd shoot you now if I didn't get off on the idea of you being hog-tied and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.
Graeme Willy: They've shut Guantanamo Bay.
The Big Guy: Did they? Be honest with yourselves.
Young Tara: [referring to her dog] Go on, then, Paul. Don't be long.
Paul: [about Clive manhandling him] If I get a dork infection, you're dead!
Agent Zoil: You know you're a grown man, right? Probably shave, pay taxes. Have pubic hair.
O'Reilly: All of those things.
Paul: [1980 collaboration phone call] Okay Steven, how 'bout cellular revivification?
Steven Spielberg: I don't know what that is.
Paul: Oh. Restoration of damaged tissue through telepathic manipulation of intrinsic field memory.
Steven Spielberg: What's that mean?
Paul: It means healing, Mr. Spielberg.
Steven Spielberg: Yeah right, healing. Like by touch or something like that. Like maybe his finger lights up on the end when he reaches out and touches?
Paul: Maybe... You know, sometimes I find less is more.
Steven Spielberg: Hey, trust me.
Ruth Buggs: Sorry you got killed by my dad.
Graeme Willy: It's fine. You want to try that kiss again?
Adam Shadowchild: Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. Give it up.
[take stage in front of cheering audience]
The Big Guy: Haggard.
Agent Zoil: Zoil.
The Big Guy: Where are the other two?
Agent Zoil: One crashed and burned, the other just burned.
The Big Guy: Jesus Christ! This has been one fuck-up after another. I should have handled this myself.
Agent Zoil: I am very close. You give me one hour.
The Big Guy: An hour? I'll be eating canapès with the governor in an hour. I need this wrapped up now!
Agent Zoil: No, no. They're mine, damn it. I'm gonna finish this, once and for all.
The Big Guy: Too late, Zoil. I'm bringing in the big gun...
[Zoil shoots the radio]
Agent Zoil: Boring conversation anyway.
Paul: You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream.
Tara Walton: But I don't have my toothbrush!
Paul: Toothbrush? Baby, where we're going, you don't need teeth!
Adam Shadowchild: 3 tits? That's awesome.
Haggard: 3 tits? That's awesome.
Agent Zoil: 3 tits? That's awesome.
Alien on Paul's ship: 3 tits? Awesome.
Graeme Willy: [Graeme has just been shot in the chest by Ruth's father and collapses on the ground, dying] Oh no! I really liked this T-shirt.
Adam Shadowchild: Well, a wise man said, "You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."
Graeme Willy: Who said that?
Adam Shadowchild: I did. I just said that.
Graeme Willy: What do you think you're gonna dream about?
Clive Gollings: Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing. You?
Graeme Willy: Wonder woman.
The Big Guy: I'm the one holding all the cards. And when I say "cards", I of course mean big fucking gun.