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Paul (2011) Poster

(2011)

Quotes

Agent Zoil: Motherfuckin' tittysuckin' two-balled bitch!

Graeme Willy: How come I can understand you? Are you using some neural language router?

Paul: Actually I'm speaking English you fucking idiot!

Agent Zoil: Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.

Clive Gollings: Thank you, Agent Zoil.

Agent Zoil: Please call me Lorenzo.

Clive GollingsGraeme Willy: Lorenzo Zoil?

Graeme Willy: You are an alien!

Paul: To you I am, yes.

Graeme Willy: Are you gonna probe us?

Paul: *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?

Clive Gollings: [Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.

Paul: [Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you

[Clive and Graham turn around]

Paul: Put... the phone... down!

Clive Gollings: [Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!

Paul: Aw fuck me.

Graeme Willy: [Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?

Paul: I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!

Graeme Willy: But you made him faint!

Paul: It's not like I set my phaser to faint!

Graeme Willy: You've got a phaser?

Paul: [to two rednecks] YO! fucknuts! It's Probing time.

Paul: [1980 collaboration phone call] Okay Steven, how 'bout cellular revivification?

Steven Spielberg: I don't know what that is.

Paul: Oh. Restoration of damaged tissue through telepathic manipulation of intrinsic field memory.

Steven Spielberg: What's that mean?

Paul: It means healing, Mr. Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg: Yeah right, healing. Like by touch or something like that. Like maybe his finger lights up on the end when he reaches out and touches?

Paul: Maybe... You know, sometimes I find less is more.

Steven Spielberg: Hey, trust me.

Graeme Willy: Whats the matter Clive?

Clive Gollings: There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.

Graeme Willy: Did you want tea?

Clive Gollings: No, I don't want tea!

Graeme Willy: Right, because tea is weird in America.

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Paul: [Paul is posing on the couch as Graeme prepares to draw him] Are you gonna draw me like your French girls, Jack?

[blows a kiss]

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The Big Guy: Haggard.

Agent Zoil: Zoil.

The Big Guy: Where are the other two?

Agent Zoil: One crashed and burned, the other just burned.

The Big Guy: Jesus Christ! This has been one fuck-up after another. I should have handled this myself.

Agent Zoil: I am very close. You give me one hour.

The Big Guy: An hour? I'll be eating canapès with the governor in an hour. I need this wrapped up now!

Agent Zoil: No, no. They're mine, damn it. I'm gonna finish this, once and for all.

The Big Guy: Too late, Zoil. I'm bringing in the big gun...

[Zoil shoots the radio]

Agent Zoil: Boring conversation anyway.

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Tara Walton: Get away from her, you bitch!

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Ruth Buggs: Fuck-a-roo, that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.

Paul: I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth? Look, cursing's fun, you just gotta pick your moments, okay?

Graeme Willy: Hey, maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry?

Paul: Fuck yeeah!

Ruth Buggs: You bet your big fat cock I am!

Paul: Nice!

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Paul: This is America. Kidnapping a Christian is worse than harboring a fugitive.

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Haggard: I am authorized to use deadly force! Stand down!

Moses Buggs: That thing's got my daughter!

Haggard: Stand down! This is not your mission!

Moses Buggs: I'm on a mission from God!

Haggard: Tell him you failed!

[shoots Buggs]

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Clive Gollings: It's not fat, it's power!

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State Trooper: Where are you boys from?

Clive Gollings: ...England.

State Trooper: I heard about that place: no guns.

Graeme Willy: Not many...

Clive Gollings: No, not really, just... farmers.

State Trooper: Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?

Graeme Willy: [Uncomfortable] Well they don't...

Clive Gollings: They- they try not to...

[the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]

Gas Station Attendant: [Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.

Graeme Willy: Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something.

[They hastily exit the store]

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Paul: [after getting frisked inappropriately by O'Reilly] Get your goddamn hands off my motherfuckin' junk!

O'Reilly: [Runs and screams outside of gift shop to Haggard] It's in there! It's in there!

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Tara Walton: My weed!

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Clive Gollings: They're going to rape us and break our arms!

Graeme Willy: I don't want my arms broken.

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Ruth Buggs: The world is 4000 years old and can only be the product of intelligent design.

Paul: [offscreen in the bathroom] That's horseshit!

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Ruth Buggs: [after 'partaking'] I'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages?

Graeme Willy: Uhh...

Ruth Buggs: What do you mean by that? Why do you guys hate me? Can we cook up some sausages? Ohh I have wasps in my brain!

Paul: She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.

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Paul: You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream.

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Graeme Willy: [Graeme has just been shot in the chest by Ruth's father and collapses on the ground, dying] Oh no! I really liked this T-shirt.

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Haggard: [Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?

Graeme Willy: Oh, no, that's Clive's...

Clive Gollings: It's my novel.

Haggard: [Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!

O'Reilly: That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.

Graeme Willy: [Looking disgusted] That's just sick.

O'Reilly: I was just sayin'...

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Ruth Buggs: So everything that I have been told my whole life, is just a big fat lie? Do you know how that feels?

Graeme Willy: Look. Just because your truth, isn't the true truth, doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.

Ruth Buggs: That's easy for you to say.

Graeme Willy: It's really not.

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Tara Walton: But I don't have my toothbrush!

Paul: Toothbrush? Baby, where we're going, you don't need teeth!

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Adam Shadowchild: Well, a wise man said, "You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."

Graeme Willy: Who said that?

Adam Shadowchild: I did. I just said that.

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Clive Gollings: What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?

Graeme Willy: Well apparently they don't do that.

Paul: [Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?

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Clive Gollings: Agent Mulder was right!

Paul: Agent Mulder was my idea!

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Adam Shadowchild: [Upon seeing the cover of Clive Gollings' book, which shows an alien woman with 3 breasts] Three tits? Awesome.

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The Big Guy: [from the extended version] Shit, I'd shoot you now if I didn't get off on the idea of you being hog-tied and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.

Graeme Willy: They've shut Guantanamo Bay.

The Big Guy: Did they? Be honest with yourselves.

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Ruth Buggs: Sorry you got killed by my dad.

Graeme Willy: It's fine. You want to try that kiss again?

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[repeated Line]

HaggardPat StevensAgent Zoil: Who the hell is Adam Shadowchild?

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Adam Shadowchild: 3 tits? That's awesome.

Haggard: 3 tits? That's awesome.

Agent Zoil: 3 tits? That's awesome.

Alien on Paul's ship: 3 tits? Awesome.

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O'Reilly: Why not four tits?

Graeme Willy: That's just sick.

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Sword Vendor: That there's the Black Vampire. Watch out! She bites.

Clive Gollings: How much?

Sword Vendor: $1349.99

Graeme Willy: Aren't you going to get it?

Clive Gollings: [Speaking in Klingon] Fuck that.

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Ruth Buggs: You bet your hairy love-eggs!

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Paul: [Lighting a joint and takes a hit] Do you guys partake?

Graeme Willy: No. Thank you.

Ruth Buggs: I'll partake.

Paul: Are you sure? It's pretty strong shit. I get it from the military. I think this is the stuff that killed Dylan.

Graeme Willy: Bob Dylan's not dead.

Paul: [smiles] Isn't he?

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Graeme Willy: Paul, what happens if you get caught?

Paul: Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's fucked... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?

Clive Gollings: Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.

Paul: [sings] Clive likes boning space bears!

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Graeme Willy: [while under the impression that Clive and he are being chased by rednecks] This is just like Deliverance!

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Clive Gollings: Ever since I saw "Mac and Me", I've dreamed about meeting you!

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Ruth Buggs: Well ain't that a bag of tits.

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Paul: [about boning an Ewok chick] What was it like?

Clive Gollings: Well... she was 'furry' nice!

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Paul: [shouting out the RV window as Graeme and Clive walk into a gas station] Hey! Reese's Pieces! Thank you!

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Paul: [about Clive manhandling him] If I get a dork infection, you're dead!

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Agent Zoil: You know you're a grown man, right? Probably shave, pay taxes. Have pubic hair.

O'Reilly: All of those things.

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Paul: Eyes forward butt horn.

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Graeme Willy: What do you think you're gonna dream about?

Clive Gollings: Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing. You?

Graeme Willy: Wonder woman.

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The Big Guy: I'm the one holding all the cards. And when I say "cards", I of course mean big fucking gun.

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Adam Shadowchild: I can't read this, it's a legal thing.

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Paul: Oh, we're all made in God's image?

[Throws open the bathroom door]

Paul: Then how do you explain me?

[Ruth faints]

Paul: And that's Jenga.

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Agent Zoil: Boring conversation, anyway.

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Agent Zoil: One of them crashed and burned, the other one just burned.

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[last lines]

Adam Shadowchild: Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. Give it up.

Graeme WillyClive Gollings: Three, two, one...

[take stage in front of cheering audience]

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Clive Gollings: Get your own Alien!

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The Big Guy: [to Zoil, about Paul] Shit, the little fucker's probably gonna phone home or something.

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[first lines]

Young Tara: [referring to her dog] Go on, then, Paul. Don't be long.

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Paul: Bagels and coffee!

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Paul: So weak...

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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