Sue O'Malley: What are you majoring in?
Joel: Russian literature and Slavic languages.
Sue O'Malley: Oh wow, that's pretty interesting. What career track is that?
Joel: Cabby, hot dog vendor, marijuana delivery guy. The world is my oyster.
[People attend the horse game. James looks at Bobby and Paulette, who nod, and then decides to exaggerate]
James Brennan: Ladies and gentlemen, put down your mint juleps. Horses are all at the starting gate. Okay, and they're off! And Red bolts out of the gate, taking an early lead! But look out! Here comes Green, issuing a challenge from the outside lane. Green runs well on a muddy track, folks, so today's conditions might give him a slight edge. And Yellow is dead last! What a dissapointment after Yellow's strong showing at Saratoga last spring. Wait! Look out! Wait a second! Out of nowhere, Orange breaks ahead of the pack, and now, in the backstretch, Orange and Green. Orange and Green, and Orange takes it by a nose! Green places and Red shows. Please come to the window to collect your winnings!
Adult Contestant: What window?
James Brennan: Huh?
Adult Contestant: What window? There's a window?
James Brennan: Uh, no. No, there's not. Here you go.
[gives the man his prize]
James Brennan: Congratulations, sir.
[Em stares at him, puzzled, but also clearly entertained. James notices her, now embarrassed]
James Brennan: I'm new.
Sue O'Malley: [turning down a date from Joel] He told my parents. We're Catholic. He told my parents that you're Jewish.
Joel: Oh, but I'm an atheist, maybe more of a pragmatic nihilist I guess or an existential pagan if you will...
Sue O'Malley: Yeah, yeah um, but my parents are really strict. Sorry.
James Brennan: My theory is you can't just avoid everybody you screw up with. You can trust me on that because I'm a New Yorker.
Em Lewin: [to James, after he has been punched in the balls by Frigo] What the hell was that?
James Brennan: It's just my life.
Em Lewin: [yelling at Sue] You know you don't deserve to date Joel. You're an anti-Semitic asshole, what do you like hate gay people too? Do you support apartheid?
Em Lewin: What are you doing here?
James Brennan: Are you and Connell, like?
Em Lewin: Uh, it started in like. I didn't know you when it. How did you? What are you? How did you find me here?
James Brennan: Lisa P. told me that Connell used to take some other girl here last summer. To his mother's basement.
Em Lewin: Right.
James Brennan: Yeah, I just, like, I don't understand how you could do this.
Em Lewin: I came here to.
James Brennan: I know. I know I fucked up too, okay? I fucked up one time and I fucking told you about it! And you think I'm like some kind of fucking pathetic idiot or something.
Em Lewin: [crying] You're not a fucking idiot. I'm a fucking idiot!
James Brennan: [fighting tears] Yeah, that's right.
Em Lewin: Shit.
Em Lewin: Was the sex good?
James Brennan: She was very sexy.
Em Lewin: You've been with a lot of girls?
James Brennan: Yep. Are we talking about intercourse specifically?
Em Lewin: [laughs] Yeah.
James Brennan: Yeah, yeah. No in that case there were actually a few times that I could have done that. But it wasn't, it wasn't exactly right.
Em Lewin: [shocked] Wait, so you're telling me you're a virgin?
James Brennan: There were circumstances.
Em Lewin: Oh my God.
James Brennan: No! Okay, alright for example, junior year I was dating this girl Betsy Cooke. Betsy was kind of like, she was kind of a prude actually. Anyway one day I was reading Shakespeare and I realized I don't really love this person. You know? It was one of the sonnets, "being your slave, what should I do but tend upon the hours and times of your desires?" And I realized I don't want to tend to Betsy's hours or her times. Alright that doesn't matter. Anyway, I drove to Betsy's house and I was literally about to tell her and that's the night she said she wanted to have sex. Can you believe it? It was the same night.
Em Lewin: And you didn't just fuck her anyway?
James Brennan: Hmm? No. So what about you and intercourse?
Em Lewin: Can you stop saying intercourse?
James Brennan: Sure, sure.
Em Lewin: I don't know. There were guys in high school and then, like, there were other ones.
James Brennan: Were you in love with any of them?
Em Lewin: No. Hell no.
James Brennan: Gotcha.
Em Lewin: Where are you taking me? You've been to this place before?
James Brennan: No.
Em Lewin: I think you might be the coolest and cutest guy I ever met.
James Brennan: Really?
Em Lewin: I mean, I'm really high but.
Em Lewin: I don't want to lose you.
James Brennan: Yeah, Frigo was my best friend. Then, I turned four.
Joel: [playing arcade game] Two options: I can play it safe, pick them off from back here, or I can rush into the breach guns a blazing, make a run to the cortex and... bombs away!
[sound of beating a level]
Joel: "Audentes Fortunas Juvat", Fortune Favors the Bold. Virgil said that.
Em Lewin: I'm sure Virgil had Bionic Mutant in mind.
Joel: What's the point of being a writer or an artist anyway? Herman Melville wrote fuckin' Moby Dick, he was so poor and forgot by the time he died that in his obituary they called him Henry Melville. You know, like why bother? They're just going to forget our fuckin' names anyway. I heard Em went back to New York.
James Brennan: I wish it didn't end like that, I should've - I don't know.
James Brennan: Your Herman Melville story that - that's bullshit.
Joel: It's true, they called him Henry.
James Brennan: No, I mean, he wrote a seven-hundred page allegorical novel about the whaling industry. I think he was a pretty passionate guy, Joel. I hope they call me Henry when I die, too.
Joel: One can only hope
Guest: I love what you've done with the house.
Francy: Thank you.
Mr. Lewin: It's clean.
Em Lewin: I thought the house was a lot nicer the way my mum used to have it, it's pretty barfirific if you ask me.
Francy: Is that some kind of joke Emily?
Em Lewin: No, it's not.
Francy: I think you own me an apology right now.
Em Lewin: I don't owe you shit.
Park customer: [throws ball at dummy's hat, nothing happens] I hit that thing dead on!
Joel: Yet he still retains his chapeau.
Bobby: Brennan, you been toking up?
James Brennan: What?
Bobby: You been drinking drugs?
James Brennan: [nervously] No.
Paulette: Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?
James Brennan: Yea, maybe like a little bit.
James Brennan: I am amazed at how tiny my paycheck is.
Joel: We are doing the work of lazy, pathetic morons.
Mike Connell: Are you crazy? You can't come here!
Em Lewin: [crying] I just can't do this anymore. I'm starting to really fucking hate myself, you know?
Mike Connell: [panicking] Oh, Christ. My wife probably heard me come in. I gotta... we'll find someplace to talk. I gotta go make an excuse. Park outside my mom's house, okay?
Em Lewin: Okay.
Mike Connell: Alright.
Em Lewin: [crying] I don't want to drink. Did you know James went out with Lisa P. last week?
Mike Connell: I know.
Em Lewin: You know.
Mike Connell: You want me to rat out James?
Em Lewin: Right.
Mike Connell: Can you sit down, please? Just for a second.
[Em sits on couch]
Mike Connell: Look you want to end this?
Em Lewin: Yes.
James Brennan: Hey, I feel like I should tell you.
Em Lewin: Tell me what?
James Brennan: I had my heart broken recently.
James Brennan: Is that... I don't know, I just thought I should tell you.
Em Lewin: That sucks.
James Brennan: Yeah.
Em Lewin: Who broke your heart?
James Brennan: A girl at school. Yeah, it's typical. I actually, I think there was something there. I think we actually had, like, potential. I don't know. I think she was afraid.
Em Lewin: Afraid of what?
James Brennan: I don't know. Afraid of it being good or something.
Em Lewin: I thought you were off today.
James Brennan: I need to tell you something. Last week I went on a date with Lisa P. She asked me out. It was nothing. We kissed a little bit at the end of the date and I felt her breast a little bit, but nothing else.
Em Lewin: Right. No intercourse?
James Brennan: No. No intercourse. Look, I'm sorry. It's just you and I never talked about being exclusive. I don't want to see her again, okay? You're the one I.
James Brennan: Look, we'll both be in New York soon and I want to hang out with you. I want to get to know you better if you want to get to know me better as well.
Em Lewin: James, you don't owe me anything.
James Brennan: I know, but, I want to owe you things. I'm ready to owe you things, okay? Because I really, really care about you. Are you mad at me? Because I'm sorry.
Em Lewin: No. No, I'm not mad at you. Thanks for telling me. That was, like, really sweet.
James Brennan: Hey, is it because of Sue?
James Brennan: Why you quit. Because, Joel, you're a great guy, you know, and she doesn't deserve you.
Joel: James, look at me. I'm not a good looking guy. And I'm poor. Girls aren't gonna go near me when there's all these fucking yuppies around.
James Brennan: That's ridiculous. Not all women are like that. You know, Em isn't like that.
James Brennan: Yeah.
Joel: You don't even appreciate what you have. You're chasing after Lisa P. when you have this incredible, beautiful girl right fucking there. Fuck this.
James Brennan: Frigo, get the fuck out of here, and you can't tell anybody about this, okay?
Tommy Frigo: All right, all right, relax, Brennan. What's it worth to you?
James Brennan: You're shaking me down?
Tommy Frigo: No... Yeah, yeah.
James Brennan: I hate you with such great fervor.
James Brennan: [after being told that Lisa P. is back] Who's Lisa P?
Joel: [Points] That's Lisa P.
[They watch her walk and turn around]
Joel: Oh my God, look at the shape of her ass. It's a platonic ideal. That ass is a higher truth. Look, look at that little portal of light, just below her crotch, right where the thigh meets the pudendum.
James Brennan: The pudendum? Are you pre-med?
Joel: I'm telling you, man, I've had dreams about that diamond-shape portal.
[Joel stands up]
Joel: Oh shit, she's coming over here, man. Be cool.
James Brennan: Okay, I'll try to hold it together.
James Brennan: I think somebody was trying to write "Satan Lives" on that wall but they spelled it "Satin Lives".
Em Lewin: One of those textile worshiping cults no doubt.
Mike Connell: Hey, James... you still have anymore of those baby joints?
Joel: [after getting hit in the head with a corn-dog] That was a whole corndog!
Tommy Frigo: James, don't get all drunk and fall asleep or anything.
James Brennan: Why not?
Tommy Frigo: Because I'll jack off on your face.
Em Lewin: [after her stepmom tells her to apologize to her] I don't owe you shit
James Brennan: [Falco's Rock Me Amadeus song is played once again at the amusement park] Jesus Fucking Christ! They play this song like 20 times a day!
Joel: Fucking sadists. Fucking sadists!
Joel: We pay little Malaysian kids 10 cents a day to make these toys, we can't just *give* them away.
Joel: [looking at fish bowls] A little more than 40% of these fish are dead.
Em Lewin: I can't believe my dad wants to be with that.
Em Lewin: Do you want to hear something fucked up?
James Brennan: What?
Em Lewin: When my mom first started getting, like, really sick my dad starts going to temple. He's never been serious about his faith. But he decided to buddy up to God like he thought it was going to help save my mom. And that's where he met Francy.
Em Lewin: My mom loses her hair in chemo and my dad starts fucking a bald woman. It's just weird.
Rich: Park's closed, Em.
Em Lewin: [chuckles] Yeah. Rich, you scared the hell out of us.
James Brennan: Rich, it's me James.
Rich: Park's closed, James.
James Brennan: Okay. We'll leave soon, okay?
Rich: Better leave now. The park's closed.
James Brennan: Alright. We better leave now.
Em Lewin: Okay, here we go.
Francy: So, it was a lovely party at the Melnick's and, you know, their daughter Lori is lovely. She said you two used to be best friends.
Em Lewin: She used to sleep over in, like, junior high.
Francy: Did you know that she is at law school at Northwestern?
Em Lewin: Lori Melnick. She once violated our cat Gypsy with a ball point pen!
Francy: [irritated] Alright, Emily! That is enough, young lady.
Mike Connell: [watching Lisa P] It's nice when Paulette's got the day off. Put that disco station on.
Bobby: Hey, you know, I'm a one-man woman so...
Mike Connell: Huh?
Bobby: Hey honey, I'm running out of googly eyes. Do you have any more over there?
Paulette: Yeah, me too. But I found these.
[holds up eye patches]
Paulette: So I have just been sort of.
Em Lewin: [enters office] Hey.
Bobby: Hey Em! What's up?
Em Lewin: [punches clock] Uh, I quit! See ya.
Rich: I saw Em and Connell in his car.
Tommy Frigo: What were they doing in the car, Rich?
Rich: They were doing push-ups in his car. They didn't have any pants on.
Tommy Frigo: No pants. Naked push ups, retard, for fucking! James, they were fucking!
James Brennan: Frigo, Frigo shut up. When did you see this, Rich?
Rich: Like, a while ago. A while ago.
Tommy Frigo: It was just a couple weeks ago. Right, Rich?
Em Lewin: Well, you know, my dad's a lawyer. It's been his life-long dream for his daughter to work at Adventureland.
Em Lewin: So, Joel told me you're gonna go to Columbia for grad school.
James Brennan: Yeah.
Em Lewin: Wow. I'm at NYU right now.
James Brennan: Oh really? Oh, that's cool. Maybe I'll run into you on the streets of NYC.
Em Lewin: What are you studying?
Em Lewin: Journalism. I want to be, like, a travel essayist. But I want to report on the real state of the world. You know, like Charles Dickens, for example, wrote what you might call travel books but he visited prisons and mental asylums.
Em Lewin: That's cool.
James Brennan: Is it?
Em Lewin: Yeah.
James Brennan: Okay.
Em Lewin: No, it is. But why do you have to go to grad school for that?
James Brennan: No, that's a valid question. But actually journalism is kind of like this old boys' network still. You need the right connections. It's very Ivy League, very exclusive. Stupid. I think my mother would rather I intern as some Fortune 500 company or something like that.
Em Lewin: Fuck that, right?
James Brennan: Yeah.
James Brennan: Who's that?
Em Lewin: It's my stepmom. I don't think there's any pictures of my mom in here. She died two years ago.
James Brennan: Really? I'm sorry.
Em Lewin: My dad remarried last year. That's Francy. You see that unholy abomination on her head? It's a wig.
James Brennan: Is it?
Em Lewin: She had, like, a nervous breakdown when her first husband divorced her. Lost all her hair. I would feel bad if she wasn't such a status-obsessed witch.
James Brennan: Hey, I heard you jammed with Lou Reed.
Mike Connell: Don't believe everything you hear.
James Brennan: Okay.
Mike Connell: I'll tell you about it sometime.
James Brennan: So, where does your band play?
Mike Connell: Usual shitholes around town. I need better musicians. I'm starting a new band out in L.A.
James Brennan: Los Angeles?
Mike Connell: Yeah, it's going to be cool. Going this winter.
James Brennan: [kid pukes near James] Jesus! Nasty.
Mike Connell: You'll get better at avoiding that.
Guest: This faggot's trying to rip off a kid! Why don't you give the kid a fucking panda.
Em Lewin: Here you go! Here's your panda.
Guest: Yeah thanks. Here you go, Dom. I mean, he's just a little kid.
James Brennan: Look, am I gonna get in trouble? No one's ever supposed to lose a giant-ass panda.
Em Lewin: Is it worth getting knifed over?
James Brennan: No. Hi, I'm James Brennan. I just started.
Em Lewin: Em, nice to meet you. Sucks you're gonna lose your job your second day, James.
James Brennan: No. Shit! I need this job.
Em Lewin: I'm kidding.
Em Lewin: You're okay. I'll tell Bobby you lost the panda at knife point.
Em Lewin: [surprised] Wow.
James Brennan: Hi. I just got off the bus. I'm a New Yorker now. I guess I should probably buy an umbrella.
Em Lewin: I don't think I can see you.
James Brennan: What?
Em Lewin: This summer was rough. I did things that I really, really regret.
James Brennan: Yeah, me too. I'm sorry I told Lisa P. about you and Connell. She told the rest of the world, but I'm not gonna lie. I was really angry at you but you didn't deserve that.
Em Lewin: You know, James, I am so sorry for fucking this up. You were the only good thing that happened this summer.
[starts to walk away]
James Brennan: Wait, Em! I think I maybe see you a little differently than you see yourself. Yes I see the person who fucked up, but I also see the person who saved me from being knifed over a giant-ass panda, who introduced me to psychotropic chocolate-chip cookies, who stood up for Joel, and who doesn't make apologies for herself. Look, my theory is you can't just avoid everybody you screw up with. And you should trust me, I'm a New Yorker.
Em Lewin: So you're going to Columbia?
James Brennan: No. No, maybe next year.
Em Lewin: Why?
James Brennan: I wrecked my dad's car and I lost all my carny money.
Em Lewin: So what's the plan?
James Brennan: I'm gonna crash at the Y for a week, I'm gonna look for a shitty job, and I don't know.
Em Lewin: Hey, give me your shirt.
[takes James' wet shirt]
Em Lewin: I'll get you another shirt.
James Brennan: Thanks.
James Brennan: Hey, Em. I really missed you.
Em Lewin: You wanna wear this?
[hold up Adventureland games t-shirt]
James Brennan: No! No, I never wanna see that again. Why do you have that? Why do you have that stupid shirt?
Joel: [Giving James, who's just been hired, a tour of the games] Okay, new guy, let's get this over with. Here we are at the first of many shitty games. This one is inexplicably called The *Flighing* Dutchman. Even more inexplicable is how they decided to spell it.
Joel: So your life must be utter shit, or you wouldn't be here.
James Brennan: I was supposed to go to Europe, but my family has money problems.
[James is commenting a horse game race without much enthusiasm]
James Brennan: Okay, we have a winner. It's the purple horse. Uh... Okay, green's in second, and yellow's third. Congratulations.
[gives a teddy bear to a girl]
James Brennan: Here you go, you can have that.
Bobby: Hey, James?
James Brennan: Yeah?
Bobby: Maybe you could, uh, take it up a notch?
James Brennan: Yeah, I know... Maybe I'm not the right guy to run this game. I really... I think I should probably be on the rides department.
Bobby: Oh, no, no, no. No. You're more of a game guy.
Paulette: Yeah, you're very... you're very gamey.
James Brennan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Bobby: Have you ever seen a horse race before? Have you ever, like, heard one on the radio?
James Brennan: Harness racing or, like, the normal kind?
Paulette: That's a good question.
Bobby: That doesn't really matter. Look, the Kentucky Derby, have you seen the Kentucky Derby? The way they announce it on the radio, and it's really...
Paulette: Yeah, 100, 200, going...
Bobby: That's an auction, sweetie.