Mary: I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else, but you can't go around pointing it out.
Mary: Because people don't like it!
Penny: Oh, my God, this is the best cobbler I've ever had.
Mary: It was always Sheldon's favorite. You know what the secret ingredient is?
Penny: How come you didn't go into work today?
Sheldon: I'm taking a sabbatical, because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned... but, yeah.
Mary: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully He blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.
Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that by saying, "with all due respect."
Sheldon: [reluctantly apologizing to Dr. Gablehauser] As you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong... to point it out.
Mary: He gets his temper from his daddy. He's got my eyes. All that science stuff, oh, that comes from Jesus.
Sheldon: Mom, what are you doing here?
Mary: Leonard called me.
Sheldon: I know, but why?
Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the 21st Century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes.
Sheldon: This is not a serape. This is a poncho! A serape is open to the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho! And neither is a reason to call someone's mother!
Sheldon: You know, I've been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard: Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine I would just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.
Mary: Honey, why did you get a loom?
Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish and I thought... hey. Loom.
Mary: [praying before dinner; aside to Raj and Howard] Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm gonna end with "In Jesus' Name," but you two don't feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit moves you.
Leonard: Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon: I got my job back.
Leonard: Really? What happened?
Sheldon: I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
Leonard: That narrows it down.
Leonard: So... fish.
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals and I thought, hey, fish night lights.
Sheldon: The thing about tomatoes - and I think you'll really enjoy this - is they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
Penny: Mm, interesting.
Sheldon: Isn't it?
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
Leonard: Here comes our new boss. Be polite.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: [approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.
Howard Wolowitz: [shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Howard. Nice to meet you.
[turning to Sheldon]
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: And you are?
Sheldon: [shaking hands] An actual real scientist.
[turning to Leonard]
Sheldon: How was that?
Mary: I made chicken. I hope that isn't one of the animals that you people think is magic.
Sheldon: The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: Do you know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
Mary: I tell you, I love the boy to death but he has been difficult since he fell outta me at the K-Mart.
Leonard: Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an incredible leap forward.
Penny: When one door closes another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.
Mary: [tucking Sheldon into bed] I'm very proud of you, honey; you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
[she starts to leave]
Sheldon: Is Dr. Gablehauser going to be my new daddy?
Mary: We'll see. Sleep tight.
Mary: You put those on.
Sheldon: What for?
Mary: Because you're going to go down to your office, you're going to apologise to your boss and get your job back.
Mary: I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words "If it please your highness"
Koothrappali: Oh, God, look at this buffet. I love America.
Leonard: Don't they have buffets in India?
Koothrappali: Of course, but it's all Indian food. Try and find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.