Leonard: I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
Wolowitz: Because he looks better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kind of dreamy.
Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
Wolowitz: So, how did it go with Leslie?
Leonard: We tried kissing but the earth didn't move. I mean any more than the 383 miles it was gonna move anyway.
Leonard: I'm a perfectly nice guy! There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe we could go for a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common: You love pottery? I love pottery! There's a pause-we both know what's happening-I lean in and we kiss; it's a little tentative at first, but then I realize she's kissing me back and she's biting my lower lip, you know? She wants me! This thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! Oh, God, oh my GOD!
[Leonard descends into a panic attack]
Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?
Wolowitz: Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray...
Wolowitz: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Wolowitz: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Koothrappali: You might be bound by them right now.
Wolowitz: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Koothrappali: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Wolowitz: I smell robot.
Leonard: Hey, what's going on?
Sheldon: Internet's been down for half an hour.
Koothrappali: Also, Sheldon may be a robot.
Sheldon: I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering that in the center of every black hole there's a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.
Wolowitz: There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I'm bit of a self taught expert.
Leonard: Look Howard if I were to ask Leslie Winkle out it would just be for dinner. I'm not gonna walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Wolowitz: Oh, then you're probably OK.
[about Leonard dating Penny]
Leonard: Oh you know what maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Sheldon: Oh no, no, no well, no. There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
[Leonard hits his head under the table at the restaurant]
Penny: Are you OK ?
Leonard: Yeah, I'm OK... Did you spill ketchup ?
Leonard: I'm not OK!
Sheldon: So? How was your date?
Sheldon: Score one for liquor and poor judgment.
Leslie Winkle: I'm trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen-iodine laser to heat up my Cup-A-Noodles.
Sheldon: I'm all sweaty. Anybody want to log on to Second Life? I just had a swimming pool built.
Wolowitz: No, thank you. I can't stand to look at you or your avatar right now.
Sheldon: Do you really think that your relationship needs will be fulfilled by a genetically altered cat?
Leonard: Maybe, if it's a cute, cuddly cat.
Leonard: Can you tell that I'm sweating?
Sheldon: No, the crescent-shaped stains under your armpits conceal it quite nicely.
[Leonard is depressed over seeing Penny with another guy and is handling it by listening to emo music and considering buying a cat. He enters with headphones on singing "Boston" by Augustana, badly]
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... '
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord.
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't wear my chaaaiiins, oh yeah... '
[takes off headphones]
Leonard: That's a good song!
Sheldon: If you're compiling a mix CD for a double suicide.
Howard Wolowitz: [Leonard, Sheldon, Howard & Raj are on their laptops playing an online role playing game] All right, just a few more feet and...
Howard Wolowitz: Here we are gentlemen, the Gates Of Elzebub.
Sheldon: Good lord!
Leonard: Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Howard Wolowitz: Stay frosty. There's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword Of Azeroth.
Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons. Magic wielders, raise your wands.
Sheldon: Lock and load.
Howard Wolowitz: Raj, blow the gates.
Raj Koothrappali: Blowing the gates.
Raj Koothrappali: Control, shift, B.
[sound of the gates blowing]
Raj Koothrappali: Oh my God, so many goblins!
Howard Wolowitz: Don't just stand there, slash and move! Slash and move!
Leonard: Stay in formation!
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard, you've got one on your tail!
Leonard: That's all right, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off!
Raj Koothrappali: I got him Leonard. Tonight, I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard: Raj, no, it's a trap! Thay're flanking us!
Raj Koothrappali: [in a wimpy tone] Oh, he's got me.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, he's got Raj, use your sleep spell! Sheldon!
[changes to an annoyed whisper]
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I've got the Sword Of Azeroth!
Leonard: Forget the sword Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon! I am the sword master!
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard look out!
Leonard: Damn it man, we're dying here!
Sheldon: Goodbye peasents.
Leonard: The bastard teleported.
Raj Koothrappali: [looks at Sheldon's screen] He's selling the sword of Azeroth on eBay.
Leonard: You betrayed us for money? Who are you?
Leonard: I'm fine. Penny's fine. The guy she's kissing is really fine.
Wolowitz: Kissing? What kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chase? French?
Leonard: What is wrong with you?
Wolowitz: I'm a romantic!
Penny: Was this supposed to be a date?
Leonard: This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn't show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.
Penny: Okay, I was just checking.
Leonard: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she's been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I'm going to go lay down for a while, good night.