Henry Spencer: [reading his horoscope] Sagittarius: Please return the BB gun you confiscated from your son in the second grade. P.S. You are a cranky-pants.
Farmer Al Mooney: A guy came in here a couple of weeks ago, and he had the exact same questions.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Do you remember this person's name?
Farmer Al Mooney: Can't say that I do, but I remember exactly what he looked like.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Can you give us a description?
Farmer Al Mooney: Yeah, okay. The guy was about nine feet tall, right? He had sunshine coming out of his mouth, and he had a hippopotamus for a hand.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I don't think I have any more questions.
Shawn Spencer: Yep, that'll do it.
Shawn Spencer: We're from the Health Department. We're here for a surprise inspection.
Chef Antonio: Again? We just had the surprise inspection a few days ago. Why, is there a problem?
Shawn Spencer: Yes. You weren't surprised enough.
Shawn Spencer: You know, I went to two comic book stores and three women's volleyball games looking for you. Luckily, your phones has GPS.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You tracked me?
Shawn Spencer: Yes, I did, with a little help from my friends at your wireless service provider. By the way, they might be calling. They think you're a fugitive from justice. Run with it.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I told her I was working part-time at a psychic detective agency. She must have misunderstood because now everybody on my mom's side of the family thinks that I'm a psychic detective and that you're...
Shawn Spencer: Gay?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No.
Shawn Spencer: German?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No.
Shawn Spencer: Invisible?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: My assistant, Shawn!
Shawn Spencer: Wow.
Shawn Spencer: His tongue was coated black. Now, what else could possibly cause something like that?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Bismuth subsalicylate.
Shawn Spencer: That dude who used to play for the Mavericks?
[Shawn is doing charades so Gus can look psychic in front of his uncle]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Somebody... at a restaurant... put something in his food... which made him sick... and that is what *killed*...
[Shawn touches his nose]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That's what killed his *nose*!
[Shawn mouths 'NO!']
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That is what killed him!
Cooper: We call them the Angry Chef Letters. Every chef who ever got a bad review would write a nasty letter to Mr. Wagner about it.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: So you're saying this is all hate mail?
Cooper: Well, I don't know if I'd call it all "hate" mail. It ranges from "mild dislike" mail to "extreme abhorrence" mail...
Shawn Spencer: How about "I wish you were dead" mail?
Cooper: Oh, we have those, too. Back here.
Uncle Burton Guster: Shawn, this place is a sty. Maybe you should tidy up once in a while, huh? Or did you forget that you're the assistant?
Shawn Spencer: [at Gus] You are absolutely right, sir. The person who's NOT the psychic detective should be in charge of ALL the cleaning. It just makes sense.
Phil: Every single person who works here is playing some sort of angle to get the restaurant critic job.
[Nick walks in, holding a bag of Cheetos]
Nick: Sir? Meeting in five. You know, this Cheeto is so... crispy, yet airy. And its subtle flavor is such a wonderful contrast to its eye-catching color.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Call the restaurant and make a reservation... for justice.
Shawn Spencer: Is "justice" the time or the number of people in our party?
Perry: Do you know what he wrote in his review of my famous Miso Yellowtail Roll? "Me-So Disappointed."
[Shawn and Gus snicker]
Perry: Don't laugh. It's not funny.
Shawn Spencer: No, it's not.
Kat: Put it this way - he once referred to my White Chocolate Tiramisu as "ass cake."
Shawn Spencer: Whoa... now that just seems mean.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: The cops already have a suspect, but we're pretty sure that Chef Antonio was framed.
Henry Spencer: Well, then I assume you know all about the veggie burger incident.
Shawn Spencer: Of course we know about the veggie burger incident, Dad. We're professional detectives.
Shawn Spencer: Gus?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Googling it.
Henry Spencer: A couple of months ago, vegetarian customers at Antonio's Restaurant started complaining about how bad the vegetarian burgers were. Now, in my opinion, you eat a burger without beef in it...
Shawn Spencer: Heard that speech before. Just call someone a hippie and get to the point.
Shawn Spencer: The first thing you needed was a fall guy. Unfortunately, Lee Majors wasn't available.
[Gus leans over and whispers in Shawn's ear]
Shawn Spencer: Apparently, he was available. He lives here in town. But he was a little out of your price range!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I sense that you're at peace with your husband's passing.
Mrs. Wagner: Well, not exactly at peace, but it wasn't easy being married to a food critic. He rated everything I did.
Shawn Spencer: [suggestively] Surely he couldn't have rated *everything*.
[Shawn chuckles, but stops when Mrs. Wagner nods]
Mrs. Wagner: I never broke two stars.
Shawn Spencer: Wow, that's... awfully harsh.
Uncle Burton Guster: I wanna thank you for an incredible day, Burton. You're a regular "Rockford Files".
[Uncle Burton leaves]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Did my uncle just thank me for an incredible day?
Shawn Spencer: More important question: How much TV does he watch?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm serious, Shawn. My cousin took him to the Super Bowl on a helicopter, and he never even thanked him for that.
Shawn Spencer: I'm serious, too. He's like this crazy tank-shaped encyclopedia of detective shows. I bet he even saw "Manimal".
Shawn Spencer: The curvy A!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Curvy A? That doesn't sound like a place that serves food, Shawn.
Shawn Spencer: It's not the name, it's the symbol on top of the box. Come on, man, you eat out all the time. What place has a big swoopy, curving A?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I don't know. What does it look like?
[Shawn grabs a pen, draws the logo on Gus's hand]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Antonio's!
Shawn Spencer: Sweet!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [frowns] Why did you write on my hand?
Shawn Spencer: Why would I write on my own hand? This thing is totally permanent.