[Mrs. Madigan is terrified that Zack is in her class]
Zack Martin: That's odd. My new math teacher said the same thing when I walked into his class.
Mrs. Madigan: That's because there's a "Beware of Zack" poster in the teacher's lounge.
Zack Martin: Actually, my name stage name is "Nasty Z: The Dark Prince of Awesome!"
Zack Martin: Cody, there's no need to be jealous. Barbara is crazy about you.
Cody Martin: Yeah. She did give me an engraved protractor for my birthday.
Zack Martin: And if that's not nerd love, I don't know what love is.
Cody Martin: Barbara Simka Brownstein, you have betrayed me, and the love that we shared! I was learning Yiddish for you, and all I get in return is... Tsuris! We're through!
[Cody storms out of class, as Zack plays the kettle drum to the beat of his stomping. Cody gives Zack a dirty look before leaving as Zack continues to play the drum]
Zack Martin: [to Mrs. Madigan] And you got me playing the triangle.
[Cody plays a depressing rendition of a famous musical number on the French horn]
Zack Martin: Dude, you're bringing me down. What is that?
Cody Martin: "Ode to Joy".
Zack Martin: Sergei's in love with Barbara and he's going to take her back to Russia and raise llamas.
Cody Martin: What?
Zack Martin: I know. Llamas sound weird. There's more money in alpacas.
Cody Martin: Barbara, the only reason I broke up with you was because I thought you and Sergei were going to move back to Russia and raise llamas.
Barbara Brownstein: I'm not interested in Sergei. Plus, the real money is in alpacas.
Cody Martin: I'd do anything for you. That's why I learned Yiddish. You're my "latke".
Barbara Brownstein: I'm a potato pancake?
Cody Martin: Oh. I guess I need to study some more. I was going to say that you're my true love.
Barbara Brownstein: Close enough.
Mr. Moseby: London, I think you should call your father and tell him that the hotel business is not for you.
London Tipton: But it is for me. It's in my blood. I'm a Tipton.
Mr. Moseby: And you do what Tiptons do best.
London Tipton: Cut down rainforests to put up resorts?
Mr. Moseby: No.
London Tipton: Finance takeovers in foreign countries to secure mining rights?
Mr. Moseby: No, I meant do nothing. No one does nothing and orders people around better than you do.
Cody Martin: That stupid Sergei thinks he's so great just because he's...
Zack Martin: Great?
Cody Martin: Barbara seems to think so. I never want to see his stupid face again.
Zack Martin: What do you think of the poster I made for your fund-raiser?
[Cody furiously yanks the poster out of Carey's hands and rips it to shreds]
Zack Martin: A simple "I don't like it" would've been fine.
Zack Martin: Cody, you're jealous of a rumor. And I'm not even sure I heard it right.
Cody Martin: [crying] Oh, great! Now I've ruined my life by dumping Barbara,
Cody Martin: I have NOTHING!
Carey Martin: You have a family that loves you.
Cody Martin: [still crying] I mean something that I care about!
[London is trying to operate a vacuum cleaner without electricity]
Carey Martin: Uh, London dear, you have to turn the vacuum on.
London Tipton: But I don't like the noise.
Carey Martin: I don't like the dirt.
London Tipton: Well, I did it! I've done all the jobs in the hotel, and now I'm ready to do yours.
Mr. Moseby: Mine? London, you can't...
[London pulls Mr. Moseby out of his chair and sits in it]
London Tipton: Who do I yell at first?
Mr. Moseby: My job isn't yelling at people.
London Tipton: So you just do it for fun?
Mr. Moseby: [yells] NO!