Burton 'Gus' Guster: Okay, so let me get this straight. You took on this case because you felt bad for Jimmy getting kicked out of school for something he didn't do, and now you've convinced the police to reopen the case that led to Jimmy being arrested for murder.
Shawn Spencer: Did I ASK for nutshelling?
Shawn Spencer: Everyone hold your horses!
[Winning jockey bends over and hugs his horse]
Shawn Spencer: I meant metaphorically, but I like the love.
Henry Spencer: Wow, I've never been in the jockey's club before. Thanks for getting me these tickets, Shawn. Good thing we wore our lucky shirts.
Shawn Spencer: Yeah, well, I hope some guy doesn't look at me and have a seizure.
Shawn Spencer: I just helped a guy in a shirt designed by a monkey.
Shawn Spencer: Jimmy, what is it exactly you'd like for us to do?
Jimmy Nicholas: Well, uh... one of our friends from our old school told me about your company. And even though it sounds kinda gay, I thought I could hire you to come down to the track and maybe, uh... psychically figure out what's wrong with the horses.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Okay, first of all, you ride on the backs of mounts while carrying a whip. That's MUCH gayer than what we do!
Shawn Spencer: [referring to one of his father's shirts he's being forced to wear] A little girl outside started crying when she saw this shirt.
Shawn Spencer: Dude, I broke up a highly sophisticated race-fixing syndicate while wearing a shirt designed by a monkey coming off a three day sugar binge.
Shawn Spencer: [looks at his father's colorful shirt] Wow Dad. Tell me you're wearing that shirt because someone has to spot you from space.
Carlton Lassiter: [about the dead jockey] Apparently, the guy took everything in sight. He was four foot nine and three feet of that were drugs.
Juliet O'Hara: Shawn, how do you know this?
Shawn Spencer: Same way I know that as a child, Lassie wanted nothing more than a pony.
[everyone stares at Lassiter]
Carlton Lassiter: Well, come on, who didn't?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Anyone who wasn't an eight year old girl.
Shawn Spencer: Lassie, your childhood must have been pure hell. The good news? I'm available for hugs.
Shawn Spencer: Jules? How about it?
Shawn Spencer: Buddy? It's been a while.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [rolls his eyes] Please.
[looking at a model of their old classroom]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why is my name on the detention list?
Shawn Spencer: You were caught eating a Kit-Kat out of the trash can.
[Shawn inserts himself into a childhood flashback]
Young Shawn: What are you doing here?
Shawn Spencer: This is my head, dude, I can do whatever I want. So what did we miss, what's going on here?
Young Shawn: Is that what my hair looks like in the future?
Shawn Spencer: Sure is.
Young Shawn: But I thought I'd be bald by twenty. This changes everything!
Shawn Spencer: Yeah, it does. Think big.
Juliet O'Hara: Sorry, it's just that little people make me... well, let's just say I had a bad experience with a Christmas elf.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What, he didn't give you the right Christmas present?
Juliet O'Hara: No, we dated. And then he dumped me for a dancer from "The Ice Storm on Ice."
[Juliet walks away]
Shawn Spencer: She is an enigma wrapped in a little blond riddle.
Shawn Spencer: Look, after Jimmy got kicked out of school, there was all these stories about what happened to him: he ran away from home, he got thrown in juvenile hall, moved to a small town in Kansas where they outlawed singing and dancing...
Burton 'Gus' Guster: The last one is "Footloose."
Shawn Spencer: That's a coincidence.
Barry Saunder: Tracks probably closing down after this meet. 25 years I've been doing this.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why is it closing down?
Barry Saunder: Well no one comes anymore.
Shawn Spencer: Is it because of his shirt?
[points to Henry]
Shawn Spencer: Sorry dad, this is like a genocide of color. Somewhere a rainbow is weeping.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You always gotta hit it right on the nose, don't you? Why couldn't I be Crockett?
Shawn Spencer: Because, Gus, you stood in front of the entire third grade class and said, "When I grow up, I want to be Phillip Michael Thomas."
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Well, you said, "I want to be the mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers."
Shawn Spencer: Dude, he's the biggest sausage in the world!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Gus and Shawn are looking for a tall blonde woman] Shawn, look. TBW.
Shawn Spencer: Way to stay on the abbreviation train, Gus.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You mean the AT?
Shawn Spencer: Everybody stop! Let's acknowledge that the chief is wearing leopard print... and continue.
Barry Saunder: I've been collecting these artifacts for a number of years. I'm actually 1/16th Indian myself, but not Cherokee.
Shawn Spencer: Hey! Gus is 1/16th robot, and not the evil take-over-the-world from "I, Robot" kind.
Shawn Spencer: He's not going to kill us... right? I mean, people change. We haven't seen him since the fifth grade.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I don't need to see him, Shawn! Some people are just born evil: the kid from "The Omen", the Children of the Corn, Chad Michael Murray.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [after finding out that Juan Carlos was having an affair with Jimmy's wife] Looks like Juan Carlos was taking all Jimmy's mounts.
Shawn Spencer: [on Jimmy's outfit] I think he looks like a tangelo in that outfit. Or maybe a clementine with seeds full of hate.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I think he looks like an evil little Creamsicle.
Shawn Spencer: You mean Dreamsicle.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No, Shawn, Creamsicle. They're exclusively orange.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That's why my friends in school used to call me The G.
Shawn Spencer: That's funny. I thought they called you Big Head Burton.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't you ever say that name! I know it was you that started that!
Shawn Spencer: I'm sorry, Gus, I have a knack for alliteration. I'm a slave to it. Besides, how many words start with B, really?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: About a thousand. How about bold? Black? Beautiful?
Shawn Spencer: Who's going to call you Black Burton?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: He's not getting my lunch money, I tell you that much.
[Gus picks up a small bat]
Shawn Spencer: Great, you can terrify him with your Wally Joyner mini-bat.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Open the door.
[Shawn opens the door, revealing a very short Jimmy]
Jimmy Nicholas: Waddup, boys?
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] That's a good call with the mini-bat.