Sam Witwicky: You won't give me a day, huh? You won't give me one day in college?
Optimus Prime: I'm sorry, Sam, but the last fragment of the All Spark was stolen.
Sam Witwicky: Like what? Like Decepticons stole it?
Optimus Prime: We placed it under human protection at your government's request... but I'm here for your help, Sam, because your leaders believe we brought vengeance upon your planet. Perhaps they are right. That is why they must be reminded by another human of the trust we share.
Sam Witwicky: This isn't my war!
Optimus Prime: Not yet. But I fear it soon will be. Your world must not share the same fate as Cybertron. Whole generations lost...
Sam Witwicky: I know, and I want to help you, I do, but I am not some alien ambassador, you know? I'm a normal kid with normal problems. I am where I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry, I... I really am.
Optimus Prime: Sam, fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing.
Sam Witwicky: You're Optimus Prime. You don't need me.
[Sam walks away]
Optimus Prime: We do, more than you know.
Mikaela Banes: Okay, so how do we stop him?
Jetfire: Only a Prime can defeat the Fallen.
Sam Witwicky: Optimus Prime?
[Jetfire leans forward to look at Sam]
Jetfire: So you've met a Prime? Why, you must have met a great descendant. Is he alive? Here, on this planet?
Sam Witwicky: He sacrificed himself to save me.
Jetfire: So he's dead. Without a Prime, it's impossible. No one else could have stopped the Fallen.
Sam Witwicky: So, the same energy that's gonna be used to reactivate the machine... could that energy somehow be used to reactive Optimus and bring him back to life?
Jetfire: It was never designed for that purpose, but it's an energy like no other.
Sam Witwicky: So, then how do you get us to the Matrix before the Decepticons get to me?
Jetfire: Follow your mind, your map, your symbols! What you carved in the sand, it's your clue: "When dawn lights the Dagger's Tip, Three Kings will reveal the doorway!" Find the doorway! Go now! GO! That was my mission! It's YOUR mission now! Go before the Decepticons find me and find you!
[Sam, Mikaela, Leo, Simmons, Bumblebee and the Twins leave]
[surrounded by Devastator's Constructicon vehicles]
Agent Simmons: You ever see "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral"?
Agent Simmons: Starring Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas?
Leo: No, why?
Agent Simmons: Looks like we're right in the middle of it.
Leo: Is that good?
Agent Simmons: A lot of people died...
[the Constructicons transform and combine to form Devastator]
Sam Witwicky: Bee, I want to talk to you about the college thing, okay?
Bumblebee: [does a dance] "I'm so excited, / And I just can't hide it..."
Sam Witwicky: Hey! I'm not taking you with me!
[Bumblebee is downcast]
Mikaela Banes: I'm gonna wait outside...
[goes outside and starts to strip]
Sam Witwicky: Bumblebee, just hear me out okay? You know, freshmen aren't allowed to have cars, that's all it is. It is best for both of us. I know it doesn't sound like it but... you're an Autobot, you shouldn't be living in my dad's garage. I mean you're suffocating in here. Hey will you look at me please? Hey, come on big guy...
[gives Bumblebee a hug]
Sam Witwicky: Look, the guardian thing is done, okay? You did your job. It's over with. You've gotta be something else, you've got have a bigger purpose then just me, Bee! I can't be the end all deal in your life! I wanna be normal, I want to go to college. Everybody has this, and I should be able to experience this. And I can't do that with you.
[Bumblebee bursts into tears; literally, with his windscreen cleaners malfunctioning]
Sam Witwicky: Come on... it's not the last time I'm gonna see you, you know? Come on, don't do that... Bee, you're killing me...
[Bee angrily gesticulates to Sam to go away]
Sam Witwicky: You'll always be my first car man. I love you.
[leaves the garage]
Jetfire: What do you want?
Sam Witwicky: Look, we just want to talk!
Jetfire: I've got no time to talk, I'm on a mission! I'm a mercenary doom-bringer!... What planet am I on?
Sam Witwicky: Earth.
Jetfire: Earth? Terrible name for a planet. Might as well call it DIRT, Planet Dirt...
[the Twins, in ice cream truck mode, enter a NEST warehouse]
Skids: Badass ice cream truck coming through... scuse me, scuse me...
[New alternate modes are seen: two cars, green and red]
Skids: Yeah, baby! It's upgrade time!
Mudflap: Yes, sir! This is my booty call right here. Time to get my sexy on with the green...
[does a dance]
Skids: Ah, no, green is MINE! I call green!
[tackles Mudflap and flips him over]
Skids: I got the green!
Mudflap: That hurt, man!
Skids: It's supposed to hurt, it's an ass-kickin'!
[the Witwicky home is under siege by Decepticons]
Ron Witwicky: What was that?
Sam Witwicky: That's the whole kitchen!
Jetfire: I have issues of my own, and it started with my mother! My ancestors have been here for centuries! My father, why, he was a wheel! The FIRST wheel! Do you know what he tranformed into?
Agent Simmons: No.
Jetfire: NOTHING! But he did so with honour! DIGNITY, damn it!
Optimus Prime: You picked the wrong planet! Give me your FACE!
[tears off the Fallen's face and sticks him with his staff]
Optimus Prime: I rise... you FALL!
Megatron: NOOO! NOOO!
Megatron: There is another source of Energon hidden on this planet. The boy could lead us to it.
[Megatron sends Prime sprawling with a kick]
Sam Witwicky: OPTIMUS!
[Megatron blasts Optimus]
Megatron: Is the future of our race not worth a single human life?
Sam Witwicky: Up! GET UP!
Optimus Prime: You'll never stop at one!
[Surrounded by Decepticons, Optimus Prime unsheathes Energon blades]
Optimus Prime: I'll take you ALL on!
Sam Witwicky: Bee, if you hate me I understand. I messed up. I'm sorry.
Bumblebee: [through his radio] "You are the person I care for most in my life, and if there is anything you need I won't be far away."
Optimus Prime: Our races, united by a history long forgotten and a future we shall face together. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message so that our past will always be remembered. For in those memories, we live on.
Starscream: Not to call you a coward, master, but sometimes, cowards do survive...
Megatron: This isn't over.
Agent Simmons: [positioned under Devastator on the pyramid to give a position for the rail gun, sees two wrecking balls hanging from Devastator's groin] I am directly below... the enemy's scrotum.
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [the pilot calls for a bailout due to "engine failure". Lennox is prepping Galloway and moves him toward the rear of the plane]
Galloway: Why aren't you wearing your chute?
Major Lennox: Because I have to secure the VIPs first! Ok I want you to listen very carefully, and memorize everything that I say. Each chute has a GPS tracker so you can be found by Search and Rescue. Right next to that's a fabric webbing called a bridle, which holds the pin that keeps the main container closed. Ok, are you listening?
Galloway: I can't hear what...
Major Lennox: [slaps Galloway] Stop that!
Galloway: All right, all right...
Major Lennox: All right when the pilot chute inflates into the air, it pulls the pin and opens the main. Red's your backup, blue's your primary. I want you to pull the blue. I need you to pull it really hard!
[Galloway pulls the blue cord]
Major Lennox: Not now, we're on the plane you dumbass!
Galloway: What? NO!
[as the chute deploys, he gets sucked out of the plane; a satisfied Lennox heads back into the plane]
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: Did he say good-bye?
Major Lennox: No, he didn't say good-bye.
Megatron: [entering the Nemesis starship] Starscream, I'm home.
Starscream: [grovelling] Lord Megatron, I was so relieved to hear of your resurrection...
Megatron: [squeezing Starscream] You left me to die on that pathetic insect planet!
Starscream: Only to help spawn our new army! The Fallen decrees it! After all, in your absence, SOMEONE had to take command...
[Megatron slams Starscream against the wall containing protoform sacks]
Megatron: So disappointing...
Starscream: [gasping for air] Hatchlings! Hatchlings! Careful, fragile!
Megatron: Even in death, there is no command but MINE!
Jetfire: Tell me, is that robot civil war still going on? Who's winning?
Sam Witwicky: The Decepticons.
[Jetfire grimaces and spits]
Jetfire: Well, I changed sides to the Autobots.
Sam Witwicky: What do you mean, changed sides?
Jetfire: It's a choice. It's an intensely personal decision. So much negativity... Who wants to live a life filled with hate?
Wheelie: You mean you don't have to work for those miserable freaking Decepticons?
Jetfire: If the Decepticons had their way, they'd destroy the whole universe!
Jetfire: In my Decepticon life, I never did a thing worth doing until now... Optimus, take my parts, and you will have a power you've never known. Fulfill your destiny...!
[rips out his spark]
[an ice cream truck trundles along a Shanghai road]
Skids: Ding-a-ling! Come out and get your ice cream...
Mudflap: Any bad robot out there better get ready for an ass-whoopin'!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: I hope those F-16s got good aim.
Major Lennox: Yeah? Why's that?
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: I told them to hit the orange smoke.
[looks slowly at the orange smoke a few feet to his right]
Major Lennox: You mean that orange smoke?
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: It wasn't my best throw...
[makes a break for it as the rain comes]
Doctor: [examining Megatron's body] Need parts! Kill ze little one!
[the Constructicons dismember one of their members]
Skids: Oh, look who came sashaying back!
Mudflap: Hair growing like a Chia Pet, look at him!
Leo: I had a bit of a mild panic attack earlier, right?
Mudflap: That's 'cause you're a pussy!
Leo: I think I'm allowed that, considering what I've been through.
[directs attention to Sam]
Leo: Hey, you say you have in your head? I know someone who can help.
Sam Witwicky: Who?
Sam Witwicky: I'm sorry, what were you saying?
[Jetfire thrusts himself right in their faces, making them fall over]
Jetfire: I told you my name was Jetfire! So stop judging me!
Wheelie: Whoa, somebody shit the bed this morning!
Megatron: Come here, boy. Closer... You remember me, don't you?
Sam Witwicky: I'll do what you say, all right? Just don't hurt them...
Megatron: SHUT UP!
[flicks Sam through a wall and onto a table]
Megatron: [pinning Sam down] It feels good to grab your flesh! I am going to kill you slowly, painfully, but first, we have some delicate work to do. How could I snap your limbs off!
Optimus Prime: Sam? Where are you?
[Megatron runs Optimus Prime through with his blade and blasts him through the wound]
Megatron: You are so WEAK!
[back on Earth, a shocked Sam watches Optimus collapse]
Optimus Prime: Sam... run!
[Wheelie leads the group to an SR-71 Blackbird jet]
Wheelie: Oh, there he is... This guy's a legend, like the Chairman of the Board! Yo, freshman, point the shard and watch the magic happen.
[Sam sticks the Allspark shard into the jet. Mikaela makes a closer examination of the plane, and discovers a symbol... ]
Mikaela Banes: Oh, shit... It's a Deception!
Agent Simmons: Decepticon? Behind the MiG NOW!
[Sam, Mikaela, Leo and Simmons scramble away as the Blackbird transforms]
Jetfire: What sort of hideous mausoleum is this?
[Jetfire spots the humans]
Jetfire: Answer me, pawns and knaves! Show yourselves, or suffer my infinite wrath!
[Cautiously, the humans approach the robot]
Jetfire: You little spinal-cord-based organisms...!
[bangs his head on a model of a satellite, which drops and just misses Sam]
Jetfire: Oh, bugger it!
Jetfire: Behold, the eternal glory of Jetfire! Prepare for remote systems override!
Wheelie: I tell you, this guy did NOT age well!
Mikaela Banes: I don't think he's gonna hurt us...
[in the middle of the Egyptian desert]
Leo: [looking around] Hey, I think we're in Vegas!
Agent Simmons: That really, really hurt. You're just lucky that I didn't get hurt! People could have gotten killed, okay? And if I would have gotten hurt, you would have heard...
Jetfire: Oh, shut up! I told you I was opening a space bridge, it's the fastest way to travel to Egypt...
Sam Witwicky: [his hand injured and bandaged] When did you... When did you tell us? You didn't tell us anything. You didn't tell us anything. Why are we in Egypt?
Jetfire: Don't you get snippy with me, fleshling! You were duly informed!
[after the forest fight]
Megatron: That went well.
Starscream: We've lost the boy, master. The Autobots must be shielding their signals...
Megatron: I can't even rely on you to swat a simple insect!
[Megatron thwacks Starscream with his own arm and kicks him]
Starscream: One insect, among seven billion...?
Megatron: [steps on Starscream] SHUT UP!
Starscream: He could be anywhere!
Megatron: Then we will force them to find him for us! It's time for the world to know about our presence. No more disguises. NO MERCY! The time has come for my master's arrival.
Jetfire: Itchy, wretched rust in my arse!
Jetfire: Somewhere buried in this desert, our ancestors built a great machine. It harvests Energon by destroying suns.
Sam Witwicky: Destroy suns?
Leo: You mean blow them up?
Jetfire: Yes! You see, in the beginning, there were seven Primes, our original leaders. And they set out into the universe, seeking distant suns to harvest. The Primes set out with one rule: never destroy a planet with life. Until one of them tried to defy this rule. And his name was, forevermore, the Fallen...
[projects a hologram and narrates the events seen within]
Jetfire: He despised the human race, and he wanted to kill you all by turning on that machine. The only way to activate it is with a legendary key called the Matrix of Leadership. A great battle took place over the possession of the Matrix. The Fallen was stronger than his brothers, so they had no choice but to steal and hide it from him. In the ultimate sacrifice, they gave their lives to seal the Matrix away in a tomb made of their very own bodies. A tomb we cannot find.
[shuts off the hologram]
Jetfire: Somewhere, buried in this desert, that deadly machine remains. The Fallen knows where it is, and if he finds the Tomb of the Primes, you world will be no more.
Mudflap: Nobody messes with me! In your face!
[fires on Devastator]
Skids: [climbs on Devastator] Kick butt, Mudflap!
[Mudflap jumps off Devastator and Skids hurls him a grapple to swing on]
Mudflap: Nobody messes with the Twins!
[Skids and Mudflap try to chase Sideways as an ice cream, but crash into a wall]
Mudflap: I messed that up... I'm okay...
Skids: This is combat, man!
Mudflap: I got brain freeze!
Skids: What's wrong with you?
[At dawn, Sam looks up in the sky and makes a discovery]
Sam Witwicky: [points at a cluster of stars] See those stars, see how the last one touches the horizon? That's Orion's Belt. It's also called the Three Kings, the reason for that is because the three Egyptian kings who ruled in Giza built them to mirror those stars. So, it's like an arrow staring you in the face...
Agent Simmons: They all point due east, towards Jordan. The mountains of Petra...
[arriving at the Pyramids]
Starscream: Master, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the soldiers brought the body of Prime.
Megatron: The boy must have the Matrix... we cannot let him reach Optimus! Decepticons! Begin our assault!
[Sam and Mikaela run through pillars]
Starscream: Rampage, spring the trap.
[Rampage unloads Ron and Judy]
Skids: Shhh! Undercover, y'all! You gotta blend in with your surroundings, you gotta be part of the landscape...
[starting a fight]
Skids: Are you scared?
Mudflap: Scared? Scared of your ugly face!
Skids: I'm ugly? Well, we're twins, you stupid genius!
[Lennox and Sam are under attack by Mixmaster]
Jetfire: [flying] INCOMING!
Jetfire: Stick the landing... Arrggghhhh!
[crash-lands, and attacks Mixmaster]
Jetfire: Behold the glory of Jetfire!
[slices Mixmaster in half]
Jetfire: Now let me show you how we brought the pain in MY day!
[stomps on Mixmaster and breaks off his head]
Leo: This thing's gonna give me a heart attack, I swear.
Mudflap: That's 'cause you's a wuss.
Leo: You guys forced me into that car, right? So...
Mudflap: I think he's scared!
Skids: Hey, Mudflap, what are we gonna do with this shrimp taco?
Mudflap: Let's pop a cap in his ass, throw him in the trunk and then nobody gonna know nothing, know what I mean?
Skids: Not in MY trunk!
Leo: Yo, bumper cars? I'm hearing you, okay? I'm right here and I can hear you! No one's popping any caps in any asses, okay? I've had a HELL of a day!
Mudflap: [mockingly] Boogy-boogy-boogy-boo!
Skids: Why don't you get a haircut with your bitch ass?
Mudflap: Go whine to your boyfriend!
Jetfire: This planet was visited by our race once before, by our earliest ancestors, millennia ago. They were on an exploratory mission to harvest Energon, the lifeblood of our race. Without it, we'll all perish, oxidize and rust... like my wretched self! Do you have any idea what it's like to slowly fall part and die?
Agent Simmons: Let's not get episodic, okay, old-timer? Beginning, middle, end. Facts, details. Condense: Plot. Tell it!
[Soundwave tracks down the Witwickys in Paris]
[makes a call]
Judy Witwicky: Hello? I mean, bon soir!
[hears Soundave breathing]
Judy Witwicky: What? Who is this?
Soundwave: Where is the boy?
Judy Witwicky: For Pete's sakes, I'm not impressed with your perverted mouth-breathing!
Galloway: Now, what do we know so far? We know that the enemy leader - classified NBE-1, aka Megatron - is rusting in peace at the bottom of the Laurentian Abyss, surrounded by sophisticated detection nets AND full-time submarine surveillance. We also know that the only remaining piece of your alien All Spark is locked in an electromagnetic vault, here on one of the most secure naval bases in the world...
Soundwave: Decepticons: we have located the shard.
[Grindor and Starscream enter the forest]
Starscream: [snaps tree down as he's landing] Come here, boy!
[Devastator activates his vortex grinder]
Mudflap: Oh, look at this motherf...!
Skids: [smacked in the head by whirlwind debris] Mean robots suck!
[Optimus shoots Megatron in the face and blasts him through a wall]
[empowered by Jetfire, Ratchet and Jolt]
Optimus Prime: Let's ROLL!
[sucked into Devastator's vortex]
Mudflap: I don't want to die! Kung fu grip, boy, kung fu grip...!
[gets sucked inside]
Sam Witwicky: Maybe we can help each other. You know things I don't know, I know things you don't know...
Leo: I don't think he knows what we know.
[Sam carves Cybertronian symbols into the ground with a dagger]
Sam Witwicky: I could do this all day. It comes in waves, these vivid symbols. They're symbols, but they're in my mind. You see, all this is in my mind, and Megatron want what's in my mind, him and someone called the Fallen...
Jetfire: The Fallen? I know him. He left me here to rust! The original Decepticon! He's terrible to work for, it's always apocalyose, chaos, crisis...
[scrutinizes the symbols]
Jetfire: These transcriptions, they were part of my mission! The Fallen's search... I remember now!... for the Dagger's Tip, a-and the Key!
Sam Witwicky: Slow down! The Dagger's Tip? The Key? What are you talking about?
Jetfire: [activating a space bridge] No time to explain! Hold on, everybody! Stay still or you'll die!
[Humans and robots vanish into a flare of light, they all fall in the sand as they arrive in Egypt]
Jetfire: Well, that wasn't so bad. I just hope we're still on the right planet.
Wheelie: [tumbling] Hey, that freaking hurt!
Ron Witwicky: Sam!
Judy Witwicky: What?
Ron Witwicky: Sam!
Sam Witwicky: Mom! Dad!
[Rampage launches himself in front of Sam, tossing his parents around]
Sam Witwicky: Wait! WAIT!
Ron Witwicky: Sam, listen to me! I want you to run!
Sam Witwicky: Wait, wait, wai...
[Sam hears a whistle, and catches sight of a hidden Bumblebee... ]
Sam Witwicky: Okay...
[holds up his sock]
Sam Witwicky: Okay, this is what you want... and I know you need me, 'cause I know about the Matrix...
Rampage: [growling] Sam Witwicky...
Ron Witwicky: Sam, just go!
Judy Witwicky: Sam, listen to your father!
Ron Witwicky: Sam, they're gonna kill us all anyway!
Sam Witwicky: Look, just come over here and take it, don't harm them... okay. BUMBLEBEE!
[Bumblebee jumps on Rampage]
Sam Witwicky: Take 'im down, Bee!
Mikaela Banes: [to Wheelie] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about your eye. But if you're a good boy, then I'm not gonna put out your other eye. I'm not gonna hurt you. Just tell me what these symbols are, please...
Wheelie: [examines the documents] Oh... oh, I know that, that's the language of the Primes! I don't read it, but these guys... Where the frick did you find photos of these guys?
Sam Witwicky: Is this them?
Wheelie: Yeah! Seekers, pal! Oldest of the old! They've been here for thousands of years, looking for something. I don't know what, nobody tells me nothing. But they'll translate those symbols for you. And I know where to find them!
[Wheelie tracks Mikaela as she leaves the Witwicky home]
Wheelie: [transmitting] Female has sliver from Cube...
Soundwave: Soundwave acknowledges. Pursue her, retrieve it.
Mudflap: [breaking out of Devastator's head] You're never eating me! I'm gonna bust your face up!
Megatron: Dotor, examine this alien specimen...
[the Doctor transforms and crawls on Sam]
Doctor: I'll scan you. Let's take a look at your face. I'm ze Doctor. Ze oddjob. Information!
[shoves a probe down Sam's throat, and acquires readings from a hologram]
Megatron: Oh, there they are...
Sam Witwicky: What?
Megatron: These symbols can lead us to the Energon source!
Doctor: We must have ze brain on ze table! Chop chop!
Sam Witwicky: Brain? What does he mean by my brain?
Megatron: Well, you have something on your mind, something I need...
Sam Witwicky: Hold on, I know you're pissed, I know you're pissed because I tried to kill, you and it's completely understandable! If somebody tried to kill me, I'd be upset too! I think we have an oppurtunity here to start anew, and-and develop our relationship, and see what it leads us, okay? So, you just call the Doctor Inspector off and let's just talk for five seconds!
[the Doctor pulls out a buzzsaw]
Wheelie: I will have so many Decepticons on your butt!
Mikaela Banes: [brings out blowtorch] Hey, behave!
Sam Witwicky: What is it, a Decepticon?
Mikaela Banes: Yeah.
Sam Witwicky: And you're training him?
Mikaela Banes: I'm trying to.
Agent Simmons: I spent my whole adult life combing the planet for aliens, and you're carrying around one in your purse like a little Chihuahua.
Wheelie: Huh? Do you want a throwdown, you pubic 'fro-head?
[Bumblebee throws the Twins out of Petra]
Skids: Ah, now that's rude...
Doctor: Ze shard make Energon!
[sticks the shard into Megatron's chest]
[hiding from the police, hanging on a wall]
Skids: This is what's called blending in, like a ninja...
Mudflap: Shut up or I'll blend my fist in your face!
Optimus Prime: For the last two years, an advanced team of new Autobots has taken refuge here under my command. Together, we form an alliance with the humans: a secret but brave squad of soldiers, a classified strike team called NEST. We hunt for what remains of our Decepticon foes, hiding in different countries around the globe...
Agent Simmons: Before I got fired, I looked through Sector Seven's crown jewel. Several files of alien research point to one inescapable fact: the Transformers, they've been here a long, long time. How do I know?
[tosses a box file to Leo]
Agent Simmons: Archeologists found these unexplained markings on ancient ruins all over the world: China, Egypt, Greece...
[runs an old film that shows archeologists and the said markings]
Agent Simmons: Shot in 1932. These the symbols you're seeing in your head? Same ones over here, right? So tell me, how did they end up all drawing the same thing?... Aliens. And I think some of them stayed. Check this out: Project Black Knife...
[holds up photos of vehicles]
Agent Simmons: Robots in disguise, hiding here! We detected radioactive signatures all across the country. I pleaded on my knees with S-7 to investigate, but they said the readings were infinitesimal, that I was obsessed! Me! Can you imagine that?
Soundwave: Decepticons: boy's location detected.
Starscream: Starscream in pursuit.
General Morshower: Holy shit, it's a trick! Commence Operation Firestorm!
Sam Witwicky: You don't stop, you don't hide. You run. You understand me?
Ron Witwicky: No!
Sam Witwicky: You've gotta let me go. You've gotta let me go.
Judy Witwicky: Let him go.
Ron Witwicky: You come back! YOU COME BACK!
[Sam shows Mikaela Bumblebee testing his vocal processors]
Mikaela Banes: Is he still having voice problems?
Sam Witwicky: He's playing it off.
Sam Witwicky: [on the phone with Mikeala] I just read a 903-page astronomy book in 32.6 seconds. I had a meltdown in the middle of my class. I am seeing symbols ever since I...
Mikaela Banes: Since what?
Sam Witwicky: Ever since I touched the Cube splinter.
Sam Witwicky: Hey, beautiful! I made you a long-distance relationship kit... I got you a webcam so we can communicate 24/7!
Mikaela Banes: Sounds cute. I can't wait...
[arriving at Sam's college]
Judy Witwicky: Look at this place! I feel smarter already! Can you smell that?
Ron Witwicky: Yeah, smells like $40,000 a year.
[Mikaela dresses up in a fancy dress to surprise Sam]
Sam Witwicky: Wow!
Sam Witwicky: Hey, you know the glyphs? These? The symbols that have been rattling around in my head?
[shows the Twins the symbols he drew]
Skids: That's old school, yo. That's like... That's Cybertronian.
Mudflap: That's some serious stuff, right there.
Sam Witwicky: They gotta mean something, like a map or like map. Like a map to an Energon source! Can you read this?
Mudflap: No. We don't really do much reading. Not so much.
Sam Witwicky: If you can't read it, we gotta find somebody who can.
Major Lennox: Look who showed up... Director Galloway, what an unexpected surprise...
Galloway: Save it! Shanghai's a mess!
[Sam and Mikaela discover Simmons working in a diner]
Sam Witwicky: You gotta be kidding me...
Galloway: What we need is to come up with a suitable diplomatic solution...
Major Lennox: What, like giving up the kid? There's NO negotiating with them!
[after Bumblebee blasts the house to destroy the kitchen bots]
Judy Witwicky: Sam, Sam, listen to me... When you go, he goes. I cannot live with a psychotic alien in my garage!
Ron Witwicky: Judy, national security... Look, if we stay quiet, they're gonna take care of everything. Just consider this the official start of our remodel, okay?
Judy Witwicky: Fine. If the government's paying, I want a pool and a hot tub! And I'm gonna skinny-dip and you can't say shit about it!
[Sam, Mikaela and Leo are on the run from Decepticons]
Leo: Okay, so what else don't I know, all right? Since you guys forgot to mention some minor details.
Sam Witwicky: [to Leo] That thing that you saw back there, that was the little baby... WHHOOOAAAA!
[Grindor comes for them]
[Grindor carries a car with Leo, Sam and Mikaela in it towards an abandoned factory, and drops it... ]
Leo: We're gonna die!
Sam Witwicky: [after Bumblebee sprays Alice with fluid] I got Wetnaps. I got Wetnaps for your face!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [after seeing the onslaught of Decepticons] We're about to get our asses WHOOPED!
[spying on Mikaela]
Wheelie: You're hot, but you ain't too bright!
[Leo observes Frenzy's head in a jar]
Agent Simmons: Hey! Still radioactive, hands off!
Mikaela Banes: It took all this to say you love me.
Sam Witwicky: You said it first.
The Fallen: Die like your brothers!
Optimus Prime: They were your brothers too!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: We've shed blood, sweat, and precious metal together...
Galloway: Soldier, you're trained to shoot, not to talk!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: Don't tempt me...
Optimus Prime: [to Epps] Easy.
Judy Witwicky: [high, to Ron] Hey, Professor, I'd do anything for an A!
Leo: I'm the key to this. The aliens, they want me 'cause of my site.
The Fallen: My brothers could not stop me from this...
[activates the solar harvester with the Matrix]
The Fallen: Now, I claim your sun!
Ironhide: [to a captured Demolishor] Punk-ass Decepticon!
Optimus Prime: Any last words?
Wheelbot: This is not your planet to rule! The Fallen shall rise again!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [puzzled] That did not sound good.
Optimus Prime: Not today.
[blasts Wheelbot in the head]
Megatron: My master, I failed you on Earth. The Allspark is destroyed and without it, our race will perish.
The Fallen: Oh, you much have much to learn, my disciple. The Cube was merely a vessel. It's power, it's knowledge, can never be destroyed. It can only transform.
Megatron: How is that possible?
The Fallen: It has been absorbed by the human child. The key to saving our race now lies within his mind.
Megatron: Well, then, let me strip the very flesh from his body!
The Fallen: And you will, my apprentice, in time. For millennia, I have dreamed of my return to that wretched planet where I, too, was once betrayed by the Primes I called my brothers. Only a Prime can defeat me... and now, only one remains.
Megatron: Optimus... he protects the boy.
The Fallen: Then the boy will lead us too him, and revenge will be ours.
Starscream: The boy will not escape us! We have him in our sights!
Starscream: [watching a hatchling die] Without the energon, the hatchlings will keep dying.
Agent Simmons: [handing out a jar] Here, take one of these pills and slip it under your tongue. It's the high concentrate Polymer they put in Oreo cookies. It flukes the polygraph every time.
[after seeing Optimus Prime transform]
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: You gotta wonder: if God made us in His image, who made him?
Major Lennox: Bring in Sideswipe!
Sideswipe: [transforms] Clear a path!
Ron Witwicky: Let's go. March, young lady!
[to his son's horror, Ron slaps his wife's derriere]
Judy Witwicky: I love it when you call me "young lady," you dirty old man.
[goes upstairs giggling]
Ron Witwicky: You ain't seen nothing yet...
Sam Witwicky: Dad, Dad, Dad, whoa!
Ron Witwicky: What?
Sam Witwicky: I'm watching what you're doing, Dad. It's not a rap video.
Ron Witwicky: It's just like a coach thing.
Sam Witwicky: That was a really creepy move just now, Dad.
Ratchet: Ironhide, we should leave this planet...
Ironhide: That's not what Optimus would want.
Leo: Dead pigs...!
Mikaela Banes: YUCK!
Agent Simmons: What you are about to see is top secret. Do NOT tell my mother!
[Simmons reveals a secret bunker in a meat locker]
Leo: Swine flu, not good...
Agent Simmons: Now you know: next time you eat a goat or a pig, there's a story behind it, sad little story...
Mikaela Banes: Here we are in the middle of the desert, with the stars above us, and you still can't tell me you love me.
[Optimus is resurrected with the Matrix]
Optimus Prime: [to Sam] Boy, you returned for me...
Jetfire: [awestruck] A living Prime... I don't believe it!
[the Fallen warps and jumps on Prime, and plucks the Matrix from his chest]
The Fallen: My Matrix.
Optimus Prime: Earth, birthplace of the human race. A species much like our own, capable of great compassion and great violence. For in our quest to protect the humans, a deeper revelation dawns: our worlds have met before...
[Mikaela throws her suitcase at Alice, and collects it back]
Wheelie: [inside the case] Let me out! Let me out!
Leo: [about Simmons] You know him?
Sam Witwicky: We're old friends...
Agent Simmons: Old FRIENDS? You are the case that shut down Sector Seven! Now that it disbanded, no security clearance, no retirement, no nothing! All because of you!
[looks at Mikaela]
Agent Simmons: And your little criminal girlfriend. Look at her now, so mature...
Wheelie: I'm changing sides. I'm changing sides too, Warrior Goddess!
[climbs on Mikaela's foot]
Wheelie: Who's your little Autobot?
Mikaela Banes: Aww, you're cute...
Wheelie: Name's Wheelie. Yeah. Say my name, say my name...
Sam Witwicky: What are you allowing to happen to your foot just now?
Mikaela Banes: At least he's faithful, Sam.
Mikaela Banes: Yeah, well, he's faithful and he's nude and he's perverted. Can you just... Can you stop?
[pulls Wheelie off Mikaela]
Wheelie: Hey, what are you doing?
Sam Witwicky: Just stay right there, okay? I'm not gonna tell you again.
Galloway: Now, under the Classified Alien-Autobot Cooperation Act, you agreed to share your intel with us but not your advancements in weaponry.
Optimus Prime: We've witnessed your human capacity for war. You would absolutely bring more harm than good.
[on the radio with a difficult captain]
Agent Simmons: We have got the mother of ALL NBEs on us...!
Ratchet: Jolt, electrify! Transfer those afterburners!
[Jolt charges and fuses Jetfire's parts with Optimus]
[Leo dials on a cellphone]
Sam Witwicky: What're you doing?
Leo: Making a call so I can get outta here!
[Sam snatches the phone]
Sam Witwicky: Dude, the government can track us with these!
[breaks the phone]
Leo: They can track us?
[Mikaela catches Sam with Alice]
Alice: Is that your girlfriend?
Mikaela Banes: EX!
[Sam invites Alice into his Camaro for a ride]
Bumblebee: [through his radio] "Your cheatin' heart..."
Sam Witwicky: I love it when you say "camshafts." Whisper it to me.
Mikaela Banes: Camshafts.
Agent Simmons: One man, alone...
Leo: Stop saying that!
Agent Simmons: ...betrayed by the country he loves...
Leo: Oh, my goodness, I'm in the car with you. You're not alone!
Leo: [breaking down during the assault by the Decepticons] Oh, God. Please, God! Please...!
Mikaela Banes: Leo, stop freaking out, stop freaking out...
Agent Simmons: Shut this guy up, huh?
Leo: Please, just let me live, just let me live!
Mikaela Banes: Shut up and let him drive!
Sam Witwicky: Just stop screaming...
Agent Simmons: All right, that's it!
[tases Leo, rendering him unconscious]
Agent Simmons: I can't take that guy anymore!
Galloway: I'm ordering you to stand down.
[rips off Lennox's badges]
Galloway: [sneer] You won't be needing this anymore. Get your assets back to base! And take that pile of scrap metal back to Diego Garcia. Let's go!
[leaves as Epps comes to stand next to Lennox]
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: I really don't like that dude. He's an asshole.
[NEST brings Optimus's body to Egypt]
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: We just dropped ten tons of dead robot out in the middle of nowhere. I sure hope this kid knows what he's doing...
Major Lennox: Yeah, me too.
[Mikaela discovers Wheelie and captures him]
Wheelie: Is that the best you got, huh? Is that the best you can do?
Mikaela Banes: What are you doing here, you little freak?
[she grabs a blowtorch, and burns Wheelie's right eye off]
Wheelie: That's my eye, you crazy bitch!
[clips a blue eye over his injured one as a replacement]
Mikaela Banes: You gonna talk now?
Wheelie: I seek knowledge from the Cube. The Fallen demands me!
Mikaela Banes: What knowledge?
Wheelie: You got the shard, I need the shard. Give me the shard. I need the shard. They're gonna whack me! I'm gonna be dead with that shard!
[Mikaela toys with Wheelie's good eye with the blowtorch]
Wheelie: Easy, Warrior Goddess, I'm just a little salvage-scrap drone!
Mikaela Banes: Then I'm your worst nightmare!
Wheelie: Hey, hey, hey!
[Mikaela grabs Wheelie and stuffs him in a box]
Sam Witwicky: Okay guys, low profile, all right?
Wheelie: Some of us have work to do! Dumb Autobots...
Galloway: "The Fallen shall rise again"? Sounds to me like something's coming. So let me ask: If we ultimately conclude that our national security is best served by denying you further asylum on our planet, will you leave peacefully?
Optimus Prime: Freedom is your right. If you make that request, we will honour it. But before your President decides, please ask him this: What if we leave, and you're wrong?
Major Lennox: [poking Galloway] That's a good question...
Ticket Agent: And have any strangers given you anything suspicious to carry on today?
Wheelie: [muffled, inside a box] Yeah, a live bomb! Tick, tick, tick...
[Mikaela slams her foot on the box]
Mikaela Banes: No.
[the Fallen makes a broadcast in Times Square]
The Fallen: Citizens of the human hive, your leaders have withheld the truth. You are not alone in the universe. We have lived among you, hidden, but no more. As you've seen, we destroy your cities at will, unless you turn over this boy.
[images of Sam appear]
The Fallen: If you resist, we will destroy the world as you know it.
[a Camaro crashes Sam's college party]
Leo: You have a car, man? That's awesome!
[Wheelie gets his foot caught in a mousetrap and starts cursing, catching Bones's attention]
Wheelie: What're you looking at, yah slobberpuss?
[he gets his other foot caught in a sticky pad]
Wheelie: This place is a freaking house of horrors!
The Fallen: Yeesss... the last Prime is dead.
[gets up from his throne]
Leo: Okay, I'm just gonna go to the cops, all right? I'm going to tell the truth...
Sam Witwicky: Hey, you wanted this! You wanted the Real Deal? Wake up, you're in the MIDDLE of it! You want to go, nobody's in your way!
[Leo stares at Sam, at a loss of words]
Leo: Stop complaining!
[deployed to intercept Demolishor]
Optimus Prime: Autobots, I'm in pursuit!
Judy Witwicky: [touring Sam's college] People are sure friendly here. Some kids just gave me this bag of brownies.
Sam Witwicky: Mom, that's not a brownie! Don't take it!
Judy Witwicky: Sam, I am your mother and I can do what I want!
Ron Witwicky: Honey! They baked it with reefer!
[Sam, Mikaela, Leo and Simmons run after Jetfire, the Autobots joining in the chase]
Agent Simmons: [looking back at the smashed wall] The museum is going to be very angry, very angry! We gotta catch that plane!
Leo: We're trusting old Grandpa Blackbird, who can't even remember which planet he's on?
Agent Simmons: Well, in his defense, this is the biggest doorway I've seen in my life...
Leo: All right. Let me do a quick check.
Leo: Nope! Doesn't look like archeologists have been here, guys?
Agent Simmons: Sometimes you make it to the end of the rainbow, and a leprechaun's placed a booby-trap on you!
Optimus Prime: Thank you, Sam, for saving my life.
Sam Witwicky: You're welcome. Thank you for believing in me.
Judy Witwicky: Sam Witwicky, you and I are gonna have a word!
[turns to Mikaela, who has just arrived at the house]
Judy Witwicky: Hi, Mikaela. I have a bald spot.
[Optimus, in truck mode and carrying Sam, is being chased by Megatron in tank mode]
Sam Witwicky: Here he comes!
[Megatron and Optimus Prime transform; Megatron tackles Prime just as Sam jumps out]
Optimus Prime: HIDE, SAM!
Arcee: Follow us through the pillars. We'll take you to Optimus...
[Sam encounters the Dynasty of Seven Primes]
Prime #1, Prime #2, Prime #3: Sam... we have been watching you for a long, long time. You have fought for Optimus, our last descendant, with courage and sacrifice, the qualities of a leader. A leader worthy of our secret. The Matrix of Leadership cannot be found, it must be earned. Return now to Optimus. Merge the Matrix with his spark. It was, and has always been, your destiny...
[Sam wakes up]
Sam Witwicky: [about the kiss from Alice] You ever had your stomach tongued by a mountain ox with a five-foot tongue? It's fun for me, okay, Mikaela? And it smelled like... Like diesel! Like a diesel-y tinge to it!
Mikaela Banes: You're such a little girl!
[a diminutive Egyptian Guard comes up to them]
Agent Simmons: These are my people. I'm one-thirty-six Arab.
Wheelie: Great, a freaking Munchkin! Little people are mean. Tell him he's tall.
Major Lennox: [trying to revive Sam] Stay back! Mikaela, stay back!
Mikaela Banes: Fucking do something!
[surrounded by soldiers]
Sideswipe: What is the meaning of this?
Ironhide: You dare point a weapon at ME? You want a piece of me? I WILL TEAR YOU APART!
[Galloway interrupts the NEST briefing to General Morshaower]
Major Lennox: Director Galloway, our National Security Advisor. The President just appointed him liaison...
[rolls his eyes]
General Morshower: Well I guess I didn't get that memo.
[in a bout of flatulence, a parachute ejects from Jetfire, causing him to topple backwards]
Jetfire: [creaking] My boosters are fried...!
Sam Witwicky: Bee, get in the garage! NOW!
Bumblebee: [through his radio] "Whatever!"
Mikaela Banes: You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sam Witwicky: And?
Mikaela Banes: I'd do anything for you.
Mikaela Banes: And?
Judy Witwicky: [watching intently] He's about to say the L-word?
Ron Witwicky: [impatient] Come on, kiddo.
Sam Witwicky: I... adore you.
Agent Simmons: [ripping off pants and throwing them to Sam] Hold those.
[he is wearing a jock strap]
Sam Witwicky: What is THAT?
Agent Simmons: What? Oh, I wear it when I'm in a funk. So does Giambi, Jeter... It's a baseball thing.
[Leo comes out of bathroom with pants down and trips, accidentally tazers himself in the chest and falls on top of the guard he had just tased]
Agent Simmons: [entering the toilet] What is going on here?
Leo: [in agony] How many times can you get tazered in the nuts before you can't have kids?
Agent Simmons: You're an amateur, kid, a rank amateur...!
Ron Witwicky: You'll see that a lot in college, too.
Sam Witwicky: What are you talking about, Dad?
Ron Witwicky: There's gonna be a lot of women there.
Sam Witwicky: Yeah, well, I'm a one-woman kind of guy.
Ron Witwicky: Look, Mikaela's the greatest, but you gotta give each other room to grow, okay? You're no different than any other couple your age.
Sam Witwicky: Except we discovered an alien race together.
Ron Witwicky: [scoffs] How long you gonna ride that scooter?
Sam Witwicky: You know what this is? This is the awkward moment. Yeah, see, you're trying to see if I'm a normal guy. I'm trying to see if you're a normal guy. Balanced, unmedicated, nothing under the crawl space.
Leo: Good personal hygiene, won't stab me in my sleep.
Sam Witwicky: No criminal record, won't steal anything.
Leo: Including girlfriends.
Sam Witwicky: Especially girlfriends.
Leo: You got a girlfriend?
Sam Witwicky: I do. You?
Leo: No, not a chance.
[Autobot reinforcements arrive at the forest fight]
Ironhide: Autobots, attack!
Ratchet: Bumblebee, get them out of here!
[straddling a wrecked and sinking naval carrier]
The Fallen: Revenge is mine!
[Alice attempts to seduce Sam]
Leo: Can I just sit and watch? I'll eat my pizza quietly!
Frat guy: Freshman!
Sam Witwicky: Yeah?
Frat guy: Is that your car in our bushes?
Sam Witwicky: No... uh, this is a friend of mine's, he just... went to go get you a tighter shirt...
Frat guy: There isn't a tighter shirt! We checked!
Frat guy: How about I park my foot up your ass?
Sam Witwicky: What size shoe do you wear?
Leo: [to Alice] Hey! I got ya pizza!
Alice: Is Sam around?
Leo: Uh, he died...
[attacked by Alice]
Sam Witwicky: Tongue, tongue, tongue, tongue, tongue!
Jetfire: I command these doors to open!
[aims his blaster at a door]
Jetfire: Fire!... I said, FIRE!
[the blaster malfunctions and misfires]
Jetfire: Oh, bollocks! Damn these worthless parts...
[smashes his way out of the museum]
Leo: That's it! No mas! I'm not going anywhere, all right? And you guys are crazy! You don't even know where you're going! I'm staying! Who's with me, huh?
Leo: Viva la revolution!
Mikaela Banes: Good luck, Leo.
Sam Witwicky: Enjoy the heat!
Agent Simmons: You're better off staying, you're slowing down the mission. I give you twenty minutes before the vultures start pecking at you like lunch meat! Try swallowing your tongue, go out quickly. End it with dignity.
[Everyone gets in the car and leaves]
Leo: Wait, wait, wait! Don't leave me with this old-ass plane... WAIT!
[runs after the convoy]
Professor Colan: Young man, I will not be punk'd in front of the dean. No, this is my universe here. Do you understand me? I am the alpha and the omega. Get out of my class!
Sam Witwicky: Yes, sir.
Professor Colan: Anyone else care to have some sort of mental breakdown?
[Sam appears back in college]
Professor Colan: So glad you could join us, Professor Einstein.
Sam Witwicky: Yeah, I was kinda busy. Okay.
Diego Garcia Soldier: Major, incoming SOS from Autobots!
Diego Garcia Soldier: Multiple Deception contacts in motion. Vicinity, eastern United States, sir!
General Morshower: As in how many?
Diego Garcia Soldier: Unclear, sir.
General Morshower: Well, get clear!
[from director's cut]
Sam Witwicky: Bumblebee, just hear me out okay? You know, freshmen aren't allowed to have cars, that's all it is. It is best for both of us. I know it doesn't sound like it but... you're an Autobot, you shouldn't be living in my dad's garage. I mean you're suffocating in here. Hey will you look at me please? Hey, come on big guy...
[gives Bumblebee a hug]
Sam Witwicky: Look, the guardian thing is done, okay? You did your job. It's over with. You've gotta be something else, you've got have a bigger purpose then just me, Bee! I can't be the end all deal in your life!
Bumblebee: What is YOUR purpose, Sam?
Sam Witwicky: I don't know. I... I wanna be normal, I want to go to college. Everybody has this, and I should be able to experience this. And I can't do that with you.
[Bumblebee bursts into tears; literally, with his windscreen cleaners malfunctioning]
Sam Witwicky: [to Alice and Leo as they enter the room to find he's written in Cybertronian all over the walls] Hey! You ever have a song stuck in your head? Its like the worst song ever, but you cant help but whistle it or sing it cause it repeats itself, repeats itself, repeats itself, repeats itself, repeats itself, repeats itself. Kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar.
Leo: Dude, what the eff?
Sam Witwicky: I know you're freaking out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Easy fix. Puzzle code in my head. Now it's on the walls. Everything is good.
[Devastator climbs the Great Pyramid]
Agent Simmons: Oh, God, this is it. The Pyramid's built right over the machine! They turn that machine on... no more sun. Not on my watch. Not on MY watch!
[climbs the Pyramid]
Mikaela Banes: You live with your momma?
Agent Simmons: No, my momma lives with me. There's a big difference.
Agent Simmons: [about the Great Pyramid] Aliens built that! Yeah!
Sam Witwicky: Look, I am slowly losing my mind, okay? I had a little crab bot plug in to my brain and start projecting little alien symbols like a freaking home movie! And on top of that, I am a wanted fugitive! So you think you got it rough?
Agent Simmons: You said it projected images from your brain?
Sam Witwicky: Yeah.
Agent Simmons: Meat locker, now!
Leo: HEY! Who drove a freaking yellow Camaro? There's a car on the porch!
[Sam rushes out to see Bumblebee outside]
Sam Witwicky: What are you doing here?
Bumblebee: [through his radio] "Houston, we have a problem."