Zoe Burden: Mia got the job, and Jack called it off.
Caitlin Dowd: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. And screw him.
Mia Mason: Well, not anymore
Zoe Burden: Brooke, Katherine... What is it with these girls? It's, it's like Generation Y gave way to Generation I.D.
Eric Burden: I.D.?
Zoe Burden: I deserve.
Zoe Burden: Is it hard for you to stay faithful to me?
Eric Burden: Where'd that come from?
Zoe Burden: Davis is having an affair with Cilla Grey.
Eric Burden: Does Juliet know?
Zoe Burden: Mia and Caitlin and I, we're telling her tomorrow.
Eric Burden: Wow. Will you bring nets and a tranquilizer gun?
Dan Dowd: I think the real danger you're in here is ending up crazy and alone like Aunt Ruth. Because you weren't brave enough to put yourself out there or sure enough of God's love to realize that you deserve to be loved too, for who you are.
Caitlin Dowd: The Pope would have your collar if he heard you talking like that.
Dan Dowd: I'm talking not just as your priest, but as your brother, and I want what's best for you. You've been dating for 20 years.
Caitlin Dowd: 15!
Dan Dowd: Whatever. And at some point, I think it's okay if you admit that it's not about finding the right guy anymore. It's about the right person.
Caitlin Dowd: Well, I don't even know if she's gay or straight. I don't know if I'm gay! I'm just... I don't know if she even gave me a second thought. Just, there was this vibe, you know? We're just going for drinks. Drinks are safe. You think?
Dan Dowd: I think you can do better than me for the dating do's and don'ts.
Caitlin Dowd: That's true.
Caitlin Dowd: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been God only knows when since my last confession, and here are my sins. Um... I think I might be gay. I don't know if I'm gay. Oh, God.
Jack Cutting: You know, that's what I hate about working with women.
Mia Mason: What?
Jack Cutting: You make like you're playing by the rules, but when push comes to shove, out come the little looks and the sexy little signals.
Caitlin Dowd: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! We're all wearing black?
Zoe Burden: Well, it is New York.
[Juliet walks in and sees everyone wearing dark suites]
Juliet Draper: Okay. Who died?
Caitlin Dowd: I have a teleconference with Tokyo. I gotta run. I love you.
Zoe Burden: My nanny quit.
Mia Mason: Oh, no...
Zoe Burden: A whole thing...
Juliet Draper: I have to have sex with Davis.
Juliet Draper: He's going on a business trip tomorrow. It's superstitious good luck thing with us.
Mia Mason: Kind of like a little bone-voyage?
Juliet Draper: Take a good look around at all of our friends. Go on.
Davis Draper: Okay.
Juliet Draper: Now you won't know when and you won't know who, but I'm going to take one of them as my lover and I'm going to do things with him that would curl your toes. And then I'm going to end it and you and I can start over with a clean slate.
Zoe Burden: [pleased with the way the children are reacting to their intended new blonde nanny] Well, they certainly seem to like you. So, how can we make this work?
Brooke Adaire: [all bright beaming smiles] Well, I get 900 a week, Wednesdays half-days, Sundays off, a cellphone with unlimited texting, a MetroCsrd, my own shelf in the fridge, and a TV with premium channels in my room.
Zoe Burden: [cellphone rings] Oh. I'm sorry, I just... Yes, Katherine?
Katherine Cutler: [on phone] I really need a Mental Health Day.
Zoe Burden: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to say no.
Katherine Cutler: Why not?
Zoe Burden: [veiled impatience] That research that I needed yesterday, the thing is, I need it even more today, seeing as how a day has passed.
Katherine Cutler: Ugh. Fine.
Zoe Burden: [switches off phone, then, to Brooke] So, when can you start?
Eric Burden: [intervening, to Brooke] Oh, just excuse us one second.
Eric Burden: She's a little demanding, shouldn't we-...
Zoe Burden: She's perfect! Trust me.
Zoe Burden: Thursday is my daughter's dance recital, and we underline bold CANNOT MISS IT.
Brooke Adaire: Well, how about tonight then? I could go grab a suitcase.
Zoe Burden: Done!
Zoe Burden: Late! Running!
[kisses him on the neck, then, to Brooke]
Zoe Burden: And, oh, hey, welcome to our home!
[the girl is pleased]
Eric Burden: Bye!
Brooke Adaire: [quite elated] Bye!
Emily Draper: [walking in on Mom and Dad's foreplay] Gross!
[dismayed, with her back turned towards them as they scramble for dignity, and speaking with authority]
Emily Draper: Mom, if you're gonna rekindle the flames of love, or whatever, you could at least lock the door.
[turns to leave]
Emily Draper: I'm off.
[walking away, muttering to herself]
Emily Draper: Eww, I'm gonna have nightmares.