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Quotes

Susan Harper: Why must you be late for everything?

Ben Harper: Well, because you only told me about it five minutes ago!

Susan Harper: That's no excuse! Get changed!

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Ben Harper: Apparently, Ted and Joanna Draper's marriage is in trouble.

Susan Harper: Oh no!

Ben Harper: They're heading for divorce.

Susan Harper: Oh no! I'm going to call them.

Ben Harper: Oh no!

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Susan Harper: [about their friends] They're both Janey's godparents. Ted taught Michael to swim. He's had your drill for 15 years.

Ben Harper: He's got my drill?

Susan Harper: They're our oldest friends.

Ben Harper: Well, maybe that's God's way of saying ditch them and get new ones!

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Susan Harper: I just want to see how they're doing. I won't even mention dinner.

Ben Harper: Oh, why do you have to add to their problems by inviting them around here?

Susan Harper: [On the phone] Joanna, hi! It's Susan - how are you? Yes, it's been ages! Well, yes, we should get together! Why don't you come here? 8 o'clock? Sounds fine - see you then! Bye!

[to Ben]

Susan Harper: Sorry, were you trying to say something?

Ben Harper: I thought you weren't going to mention dinner.

Susan Harper: Did you hear me say the word 'dinner'?

Ben Harper: [Thinks] You're good, Susan! You're very good!

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Susan Harper: [about Kenzo] He's certainly a good-looking boy!

Janey Harper: And that is why we've decided to call an agent and get him an advert too!

Susan Harper: We?

Janey Harper: Me and Kenzo!

Susan Harper: He wants to do this?

Janey Harper: Well, of course he does! Loves the idea!

Susan Harper: [Gives Janey a look]

Janey Harper: At least he will when I tell him!

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Alfie Butts: Sorry to interrupt you, Michael.

Michael Harper: It's alright, Alfie. Let me just finish this. I'm ordering myself a girlfriend from Thailand. Want one?

Alfie Butts: No, er... no, thank you. Before you know where you are, they've taken all your money, left you for your best friend, married him and claimed UK citizenship...

Michael Harper: [Gives Alfie a look]

Alfie Butts: ...I'm told.

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Alfie Butts: I've already done a couple of warm-up gigs upstairs at The Dog & Duck.

Michael Harper: How did they go?

Alfie Butts: Pretty well, yes! All six customers seemed to enjoy it! At the end, I had two women fighting over me!

Michael Harper: Hey! Not bad!

Alfie Butts: No, I was crouched on the floor protecting my guitar. They were fighting *over* me.

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Ben Harper: Oh, my God! Bloody drains blocked up?

Susan Harper: It's not the drains. It's camomile candles.

Ben Harper: What?

Susan Harper: They're calming... to human beings.

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Susan Harper: Listen, Ben, this has to be a peaceful, pleasant evening. No tension. No stress.

Ben Harper: No Ben?

Susan Harper: No chance!

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Susan Harper: She said you were having a few problems and we want to be here for you.

Ted Draper: Well, that's very sweet. I really do... *we* really do appreciate it.

Susan Harper: Good. Because a problem shared is a problem halved.

Ben Harper: That's true. Oh, isn't that? That's so true, isn't it?

Susan Harper: Love will keep us together.

Ben Harper: ...as Neil Sedaka once said!

Susan Harper: Because there's nothing so broken that can't be mended!

Ben Harper: And who put the Ram in the Ramalamadingdong?

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Alfie Butts: [after filming a music video] That was my latest composition entitled 'Bangor For Fun'.

Michael Harper: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Alfie! It's bad enough you called your album 'Butts Unplugged'! You can't have a song called 'Bangor For Fun'.

Alfie Butts: Why not?

Michael Harper: Think about it.

Alfie Butts: [Thinks a while, but fails to get the innuendo] Why not?

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Joanna Draper: [about Ted] Oh, it's such a mess. We don't talk any more. We never have sex - although, that is actually one of the perks!

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Susan Harper: It's so sad when a relationship goes bad like that.

Ben Harper: I know, darling. Happens to a lot of couples. Kids grow up, leave home and then find they find they've got nothing to talk about.

Susan Harper: Whereas you've never shown any interest in the kids, anyway.

Ben Harper: Exactly! So? Problem averted!

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Susan Harper: Your being emotionally stunted has served us well over the years!

Ben Harper: Oh, it's a gift!

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Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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