Susan Harper: Why must you be late for everything?
Ben Harper: Well, because you only told me about it five minutes ago!
Susan Harper: That's no excuse! Get changed!
Ben Harper: Apparently, Ted and Joanna Draper's marriage is in trouble.
Susan Harper: Oh no!
Ben Harper: They're heading for divorce.
Susan Harper: Oh no! I'm going to call them.
Ben Harper: Oh no!
Susan Harper: [about their friends] They're both Janey's godparents. Ted taught Michael to swim. He's had your drill for 15 years.
Ben Harper: He's got my drill?
Susan Harper: They're our oldest friends.
Ben Harper: Well, maybe that's God's way of saying ditch them and get new ones!
Susan Harper: I just want to see how they're doing. I won't even mention dinner.
Ben Harper: Oh, why do you have to add to their problems by inviting them around here?
Susan Harper: [On the phone] Joanna, hi! It's Susan - how are you? Yes, it's been ages! Well, yes, we should get together! Why don't you come here? 8 o'clock? Sounds fine - see you then! Bye!
Susan Harper: Sorry, were you trying to say something?
Ben Harper: I thought you weren't going to mention dinner.
Susan Harper: Did you hear me say the word 'dinner'?
Ben Harper: [Thinks] You're good, Susan! You're very good!
Susan Harper: [about Kenzo] He's certainly a good-looking boy!
Janey Harper: And that is why we've decided to call an agent and get him an advert too!
Susan Harper: We?
Janey Harper: Me and Kenzo!
Susan Harper: He wants to do this?
Janey Harper: Well, of course he does! Loves the idea!
Susan Harper: [Gives Janey a look]
Janey Harper: At least he will when I tell him!
Alfie Butts: Sorry to interrupt you, Michael.
Michael Harper: It's alright, Alfie. Let me just finish this. I'm ordering myself a girlfriend from Thailand. Want one?
Alfie Butts: No, er... no, thank you. Before you know where you are, they've taken all your money, left you for your best friend, married him and claimed UK citizenship...
Michael Harper: [Gives Alfie a look]
Alfie Butts: ...I'm told.
Alfie Butts: I've already done a couple of warm-up gigs upstairs at The Dog & Duck.
Michael Harper: How did they go?
Alfie Butts: Pretty well, yes! All six customers seemed to enjoy it! At the end, I had two women fighting over me!
Michael Harper: Hey! Not bad!
Alfie Butts: No, I was crouched on the floor protecting my guitar. They were fighting *over* me.
Ben Harper: Oh, my God! Bloody drains blocked up?
Susan Harper: It's not the drains. It's camomile candles.
Ben Harper: What?
Susan Harper: They're calming... to human beings.
Susan Harper: Listen, Ben, this has to be a peaceful, pleasant evening. No tension. No stress.
Ben Harper: No Ben?
Susan Harper: No chance!
Susan Harper: She said you were having a few problems and we want to be here for you.
Ted Draper: Well, that's very sweet. I really do... *we* really do appreciate it.
Susan Harper: Good. Because a problem shared is a problem halved.
Ben Harper: That's true. Oh, isn't that? That's so true, isn't it?
Susan Harper: Love will keep us together.
Ben Harper: ...as Neil Sedaka once said!
Susan Harper: Because there's nothing so broken that can't be mended!
Ben Harper: And who put the Ram in the Ramalamadingdong?
Alfie Butts: [after filming a music video] That was my latest composition entitled 'Bangor For Fun'.
Michael Harper: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Alfie! It's bad enough you called your album 'Butts Unplugged'! You can't have a song called 'Bangor For Fun'.
Alfie Butts: Why not?
Michael Harper: Think about it.
Alfie Butts: [Thinks a while, but fails to get the innuendo] Why not?
Joanna Draper: [about Ted] Oh, it's such a mess. We don't talk any more. We never have sex - although, that is actually one of the perks!
Susan Harper: It's so sad when a relationship goes bad like that.
Ben Harper: I know, darling. Happens to a lot of couples. Kids grow up, leave home and then find they find they've got nothing to talk about.
Susan Harper: Whereas you've never shown any interest in the kids, anyway.
Ben Harper: Exactly! So? Problem averted!