Parental Guidance (2012)
Drayton Glass: We're looking for guys who Tweet.
Artie Decker: I'll tweet, I make any kind of noise you want.
Artie Decker: I feel 10 years younger than I am, and I look 10 years younger than that, so you're asking a 38 year old to retire.
Diane Decker: You're 38? Good, paint the house.
Turner Simmons: It's d-dirty out here.
Barker Simmons: And windy.
Artie Decker: Yeah, it's called outdoors.
Artie Decker: For the record, I was never going to actually spank Barker.
Harper Decker Simmons: But you said you were.
Artie Decker: But I didn't.
Harper Decker Simmons: But he didn't know that.
Artie Decker: That's *why* it worked.
Harper Decker Simmons: [with a mouthful of cake] Yogurt not like ice cream! You lied!
Diane Decker: Artie!
Artie Decker: I'm sorry! I can't take this anymore! This whole "teachable moments" of protecting their self-esteem and nobody gets punished and every game ends in a tie! All I hear is "Use your words. Use your words," but the word they never use with the kids is "No!"
Artie Decker: [pauses movie] They made 6 of these?
Alice Simmons: You threatened her violin teacher?
Diane Decker: She says threatened, I call it defending my granddaughter.
Diane Decker: You know what we are? We're the OTHER grandparents.
Artie Decker: Well we can't be all 4.
Harper Decker Simmons: [eating ice cream cake] Mom, you lied to me! Yogurt is not like ice cream!
Artie Decker: Harper, here're your sausages.
Harper Decker Simmons: Soy-sages.
Artie Decker: Soysages? Where are you, the Bronx?
Diane Decker: Bravo! Oh, wow! Harper, that was wonderful!
Harper Decker Simmons: I stunk.
Diane Decker: You most certainly did not!
[to Dr. Schveer]
Diane Decker: Wasn't she wonderful?
Dr. Schveer: No. This will *not* be good enough for your audition. You must practice more! When my daughter underperforms, I shun her. *This* girl should be shunned!
Barker Simmons: Carl and I wanna leave.
Artie Decker: Don't leave your seat.
Barker Simmons: You said "don't".
Artie Decker: Consider the consequences, mister.
Artie Decker: Eggless egg salad, how am I gonna know it when I see it?
Diane Decker: Dr. Schveer? I shun you, consider yourself shunned.
Mr. Cheng: My parents are Japanese, I'm Chinese, my kids are Korean and they go to a Hebrew school, oy vey!
Harper Decker Simmons: Just type in 'get to school'.
Artie Decker: Why is that easier than you just telling me how to get there?