G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) Poster

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1/10
Does contains spoilers, but please read because it'll save you money.
jacobsevanes15 August 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Bad expectations, movie even worse.

I went to see this movie because a friend of mine really wanted to go there and I thought: why not, I didn't hate transformers 2 (although it wasn't really good), and I had seen the trailer with the Eiffel Tower scene which looks pretty amazing. The rest of the film was pretty amazing too. But not amazing in a good way. I just couldn't believe how bad it was. I am actually still amazed as hell. The story is so crappy that I think I could write a thousand stories which are better. Here is a series of 'highlights'. It all starts in the Middle Ages, where some weapon maker is being punished for selling weapons to both sides. This has almost nothing to do with the film except that the weapon maker is an ancestor of a really bad guy in the movie. Then there is a transport of very high tech rockets which are almost stolen by some guys with really high tech weapons, but some other guys with high tech weapons come to the rescue. (indeed, every weapon in the movie is high tech, like year 3009 high tech). The rescue guys appear to be a special forces team called G.I. Joe. The surviving guys from the transport really like to join the team, but they need to be trained first. At the end of the first day of training they are almost scoring highest in the history of the team, so they are done. Right. Then the bad guys come in and steal the rockets. This time they succeed so the G.I. Joes need to get them back. This results in some really good action scenes including the Eiffel Tower coming down. It all looks really realistic. But after this it's only down the hill. The bad guys seem to have built a base under the polar ice, the size of a little city. Somehow no one ever noticed something happening there. Or everyone knew but just didn't inform G.I. Joe. By the way: it actually wasn't really cold out there somehow, because a lot of people didn't wear special clothes while walking around on the ice and it didn't seem to bother them at all. Or the actors just didn't know how to act like it was cold. That is possible because none of the actors was really looking like he/she cared a lot. Marlon Wayans was probably the least bad while he wasn't even funny. I think that says enough. The polar base is destroyed after a fight won by the good guys and because of the explosions the polar ice sinks together with the base. Yes, dear readers, the ice sinks. So alls well that ends well. oh, first one of the good guys needs to take down some rockets the bad guys managed to shoot just before the base was destroyed. Somehow the rockets can only be taken out by a supersonic plane that can only be controlled by speaking Celtic, which one of members of G.I.Joe happens to speak. So actually it's not really a problem, I think. Maybe it is a problem, I don't know, but it just doesn't make sense. Nothing in the whole script makes any sense. I still don't believe it. I'm sorry guys, it's overwhelming me. I need to stop writing or I'll start crying or worse. Just remember: don't watch the movie!
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7/10
The Critics should remove the Stick!
serennishiyama9 August 2009
I just saw G.I. Joe, and I must say that I actually enjoyed it. This is NOT a masterpiece. This is a fun, Summer action flick. The so-called professional critics who obviously miss that point do not deserve their cushy jobs. The action is unbelievable, non-stop, breathless, and requires a total suspension of disbelief. The critics that have a problem with that should remember one thing. This is a movie based on a cartoon that's sole purpose was to sell a set of toys to 5-12 year old boys. Nothing more. Expecting "War and Peace" from this source material shows a lack of insight and intelligence from most of the reviews that I have read. If you like action films, you will enjoy this one. If you want angst-ridden characters stopping every five minutes to discuss their feelings... pull the stick out and move along to a sappy low-budget romance; this isn't your kind of film.
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3/10
$170 budget and not one writer
Matt Schafer10 August 2009
I came in with low expectations and got even less. I'm kind of offended that someone got paid to write this because its essentially a big-budget movie made with a fan-fiction caliber script. The plot riddled with holes, characters speak in clichés and the laws of physics are completely ignored. The female characters are treated with the action-movie standard sexism, and there are some subtle racist undertones as well. Seriously, 12-year-old boys write text messages that are more coherent than this script. The screen writers should use their payday to refund the tickets of everyone who went to see this movie.

I'm okay with going a movie just for the special effects, but even that is sub-par. The martial arts choreography is good, and stunning in one scene. The practical effects are believable, but the computer graphics are mostly cartoonish and detract from the visual impact of the film, so its hard to say go see it even if your standard for a good movie is if they blow stuff up in new and interesting ways.

I did enjoy the sheer audacity of its failure. Surely the filmmakers had watched even one movie before and knew they had a piece of Star Wars/James Bond ripoff fan fiction on their hands and just tried to be as bad as possible. This movie has a lot of laughs in it, although probably not where the filmmakers intended.
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1/10
Don't waste your money.
ihatedgijoe17 August 2009
Warning: Spoilers
First off, I would like to say that I created an IMDb account for the sole purpose of warning others about this terrible crap movie. At first, I was really excited to see the GI Joe movie. I got to the movie theater, and my friends and I were the only ones in the theater. I didn't think anything of it, I just thought that being alone would make the movie even better. Now I know why I was the only one in the theater. GI Joke was a horrible movie. It is a contender for the coveted title of the worst movie of the year. This movie was awful. I have pooped out better movies than this. The acting-crap. The casting-terrible (who cast Marlon Wayans in a serious part?) Character Development-absent Fight scenes-overdone and absurd Special effects-decent, but not good enough to distract me from all the suck around it. The only cool part was when they were chasing the car in Paris, but I have a hard time believing that one of the guys could catch up with the other after falling back like half a mile, but neither of them could gain thirty feet to catch the car they were chasing. This movie was sooooooooo cheesy and predictable. Who would have thought that duke and Anna would end up together? Who would have thought that snake eyes would killed his brother in the final showdown, and still keep his vow of silence? Who would have thought that Marlon wayans would have ended up with the redhead? And what the **** is up with cobra commander? He's just darth vader with a monocle. And why in gods green earth would they show you cobra commander's face?!? That's unacceptable. Shame on the writers, shame on the directors, shame on the actors, producers, and editors for making such a disgraceful movie as this. Do yourself a favor and burn your ten dollars. It'll be more amusing than spending it to watch this crap.
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7/10
Good for what it is
Filmaholic786 August 2009
I watched this film last night and luckily I had no high expectations. As a fan of the G.I Joe toys when I was a kid (back then they where called Action Force) I had a good idea of the characters and story before hand. I am glad to say this film stayed true to most of the original concepts with a few tweaks for the better here and there.

Go see this film if you want to see a fun action film full of special effects and doesn't take itself too seriously.

Don't go and see this film if you are an uptight, unhappy film critic that spends too much time highlighting plot holes and acting because that's not what this film is about. It's more of a roller-coaster ride. Fast, furious and just fun.
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3/10
There's a reason for the strict release to critics by paramount...
Tyler G7 August 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Oh my god.

First of all, and most importantly, I have nothing against a FUN, entertaining movie. But the only entertainment in the movie was how painful it was at times.

Acting: 2/10 Terrible. A fellow moviegoer commented that "You know it was a failure when one of the Wayans brothers was the best piece of acting" It was bad. Dennis Quaid was plain boring. He looked like he was having no fun.

Screenplay 1/10 HOW IN HOLY HELL DID THEY GET THIS APPROVED?!! All the memorable lines were the most terrible ones that everyone in the theater laughed at. It felt like a really bad TV show. The end of the movie was WAY more epic than it was supposed to be for a summer action blockbuster. Not intelligent, not funny, and not cohesive whatsoever. The setting changed about every 15 minutes, going all over the world. And brace yourself stereotypical, cheesy, predictable romance too.

Special Effects/Editing 3/10 Some of the obvious fully computer rendered scenes looked worse than the old star wars flicks. (The polar bear moment and the planes flying over the pyramids made many laugh) Other scenes, such as the Paris action looked good. Way too many explosions, even more than Michael Bay would want. The editing cut to different shots faster than any action movie I've ever seen. There were plenty of "What the hell just happened?" moments.

Its a big G.I BLOW Unfortunately.

For more info: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090804/ap_en_ot/us_film_gi_joe
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1/10
This was as bad as you think
cpva7412 August 2009
Warning: Spoilers
May contain Spoilers: From the very beginning of the movie I could tell it was going to be horrible. The writing was awful, the special effects looked lame & the acting...don't get me started. The worst in the movie was Marlon Wayans and this has to be Dennis Quaid's worst performance (aside from his awful turn as Doc Holiday in Wyatt Earp). Everyone seemed so wooden. I actually busted out laughing when Cobra Commander comes on the screen. The only thing worth watching was Sienna Miller.

Spoilers: * Why make the Baroness be under influence of a mind control device. She is supposed to be with Destro and according to the comics ends up joining with Major Blood to try and take control of Cobra from CC. She was never good. As far as I know she was never with Duke. Lame storyline

* You don't see Destro's mask or Cobra Commander's until the end of the movie and it's not worth the wait. Destro looks laughably bad and Cobra Commander's mask looks like some retarded hazmat mask End Spoilers

All in all this is destined to be nominated for a ton of Razzies and they will be well deserved...Terrible movie.
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1/10
worst movie ever made
onlyihavethisname19 August 2009
Warning: Spoilers
well, i went into the cinema with no expectations about the movie, having never played with the toys as a kid, not really seen any of the trailers or hype, and not read any of the reviews about it. To be honest, the only reason i even went to see it is because i had already seen time travellers wife. i was not disappointed, i had no expectations and left the cinema after 2 hours wondering what on earth i had just been watching. to anyone thinking about paying to see this movie, save your money, buy a brightly coloured tin of paint, and a brush, and watch that dry instead. it will be more entertaining, i promise, and you will have a newly painted wall to show for the effort too.

OK, so lets diagnose the movie. the beginning starts out o.k. but.. hang on... the beginning seems to be the same as the middle.. and the end.. in fact, the entire movie is essentially just an especially long sequence of fancy effects sequences.

so, it begins and some cool suited people beam down and steal some warheads or something, and some other cool suited people come and try to stop them but fail. there is lots of shooting and explosions and fancy aeroplanes.

then, they all go off to some big base and talk about the stolen weapons for a few minutes, and then there is more shooting and explosions and cool vehicles.

then, they go off to Paris, apparently going after the warheads or something and there is more cool suits and shooting and aeroplanes, and you get the picture.

oh yeah, then, at the end, one of the guys turns to metal for some reason.

ultimately, the problem with this movie is that its the sort of movie you would get if you asked a 5 year old to script and direct it. its similar to transformers, x-men, iron man etc except with the main protagonists being entirely uninteresting characters with no discernible personality traits other than being "good guy" or "bad guy".

The acting and story are about as plastic as the toys the movie is based on.
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8/10
Had Low Expectations. Loved The Movie!
DaleP197911 August 2009
OK, I had almost every GI Joe toy growing up. I also watched the cartoon. Being a young kid during the 80's was awesome. As far as I am concerned, the toys and the cartoons from that era are the best. However, after first seeing the preview for GI Joe, and seeing that they now wore mech suits...... I had very low expectations for the movie. Just figured they were trying yet another way to milk money off of the remainder of 80's cartoons/ re-imaging.

However, I have to say, even though there was a little cheesiness to it, I really enjoyed this movie. This movie is based off a toy/cartoon/comic book. It isn't like other comics that could be deep, or thought provoking. It was always mainly about action, cool weapons, good guys and bad guys, getting caught and then escaping. This movie is just that. A action movie from start to finish. Has enough of a storyline to make it from beginning to end, but is mainly about the action. It doesn't give you a lot of back story to the characters. You do get a couple flashbacks, just so you know who people are, and how they are connected. But this isn't really an origins movie. I think some people were expecting some kind of epic movie experience. This movie is not that! This is a popcorn/ summer action movie/ and a way to relive some childhood memories for those of us who grew up watching the cartoon, or playing with the toys.

For those of you complaining about plot holes, and/or unbelievable science......... come on!!! What about the original cartoons was so believable??? This is fantasy!!!

I will admit though, although I did like the movie, some of the special effects were not that good. There were a few times during the movie where I saw something that just looked too fake, and I was like ... "that is just cheesy". But overall, it was a fun movie. Definitely not one I regret going to see.
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7/10
Delivers exactly what it promises and that's the point.
Please, take note that I rated this film 8 only because of it's value as an action film, but that's exactly the point I came here to get across. Everybody seems to have the same argument when they trash this film.. "it's all effects and no brains or dramatic undertones". OK, that is true, I've got to admit, but then again what kind of movie were these people actually expecting to see? Huh?!

G.I. Joe is as pure as an action film can possibly be and most importantly, it doesn't pretend to be anything else. Look at the poster. Check out the trailer. After those, were you perhaps waiting to see an Ingmar Bergman film? IT'S G.I. JOE, for Christ's sake! And I must say that in it's category, it isn't that bad. Sommers can direct good action sequences (the pursuit on the streets of Paris is stunning!) and although the film is obviously overblown with ridiculous gadgets and over the top plot lines, it doesn't matter because Joe succeeds in it's ONLY primary mission: to be entertaining. It's never boring and it's the silly fun it was always going to be.

So in a nutshell.. if you want a serious film to watch, check out There Will Be Blood or Doubt, but if you just want to forget for two hours the mess your leaders have left your nation, nay, the *world* and just have fun, check out this action film. Thank you.
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