Zoe Burden: [to Victoria] Just so you know, I don't blame you for hitting on my husband. He's a good-looking guy. And he's an adult. I trust him to make his own decisions. But don't hit on my kids, EVER AGAIN!
Alicia Lawson: Look, if someone doesn't want to be on a date with me, then guess what? They don't have to be on a date with me.
Caitlin Dowd: That guy at the club last night, when he asked me if I was with you, I should have said it. I didn't want to say it. He'd just ask me questions. Am I gay? Am I straight? Am I with you? These are things other people know about themselves that I, apparently, don't know about myself. It's really scary to realize you don't know them. I've never even had a really serious, really successful relationship. I don't think I can honestly say I've even had a semi-serious, moderately successful relationship. These are things you should probably know about me before you get in a relationship with me.
Alicia Lawson: Caitlin, we just met a week ago. We haven't even had a complete date yet.
Caitlin Dowd: So, too soon for the R-word then?
Mia Mason: What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be on your "lady date"?
Caitlin Dowd: I screwed it up! We ran into this guy I used to go out with and I should have told him to get lost, but I didn't.
Mia Mason: Ugh!
Caitlin Dowd: I know! I just stood there, this guy I used to go out with on one side of me, and this girl I'm going out with on the other side of me, and I'm thinking to myself, "Do I even know how to have a relationship?" 'Cause I don't think I do! My life is like a romantic comedy that's never romantic... or comedic. My life is nothing like a romantic comedy!
Juliet Draper: [to Caitlin] You're gay now?
Mia Mason: Oh, she's not gay. You know what? She's hip. It's the thing to do. It's like when everyone was pregnant, you know. Lesbians are the new babies.
Caitlin Dowd: Excuse me, can the possible lesbian answer that question? I don't know if I'm gay or I'm straight. I don't want to join a union yet or anything. I met someone I like. It happens to be a woman. That's all I got. Just please, be supportive. I don't want your opinion or permission. And don't act like this never happened to any of you.
Mia Mason: Well, I went to Wellesley. It's practically part of the curriculum.
Zoe Burden: I made out with Jenny McGruber at summer camp. She was really good at lanyard. I had some amazing plastic jewelry that summer.
Juliet Draper: I was trying to process one lesbian...
[stares at Mia and Zoe]
Juliet Draper: Now I have three.
Zoe Burden: Let's do you next. What man do you want from this list?
Caitlin Dowd: I'm good.
Zoe Burden: What? What do you mean "You're good?" You're never "good".
Caitlin Dowd: Thanks a lot. I am... have a date.
Zoe Burden: Really?
Juliet Draper: You did mention last week you kissed someone.
Mia Mason: You've been holding out on us. With whom?
Caitlin Dowd: With a woman.
[Mia, Zoe, and Juliet all stare wide-eyed and shocked at Caitlin]
Mia Mason: You really have been holding out on us!
Emily Draper: [bringing home a bad report card with a devil-may-care attitude] I need you to sign this.
Davis Draper: What is it?
Emily Draper: Math test.
Davis Draper: You got a 56?
Emily Draper: [impatiently] Just sign it.
Davis Draper: Does your Mom know about this?
Emily Draper: [sarcastically] Yeah. Communication around here has been at an all-time high.
Davis Draper: You know, the last thing I need right now, is your attitude -...
[she raises her eyebrows, behind them Juliet enters]
Juliet Draper: Is there a problem?
Emily Draper: Mom!
[seeing the off-the-shoulder red halter top]
Emily Draper: I love the new look!
Juliet Draper: Thank you.
Davis Draper: Here you go.
[Dad signs, hands Em back the report card]
Emily Draper: Thank you for caring.
Davis Draper: [mind in different place] You're welcome.