6.6/10
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Private Gold 89: X-Girls (2007)

Private: X-Girls: The Lost X-Teens (original title)
X | Adult

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Cast

Cast overview:
Priva ...
Yoko
Judith Fox ...
The Secretary
Nikky Blond ...
Vanessa (as Nikki Blond)
Tera Bond
Nikki Rider ...
Maria
Katalin Kiraly ...
Miss Universe (as Katalin)
Cindy ...
The Kid
Roxy Panther ...
Air-Girl (as Roxy)
Antonio Ross ...
Antoan
Choky Ice ...
John
Horst Baron ...
Professor Heart
Matt Bird
Lauro Giotto ...
Minister of Mutant Affairs
Richard Rifkin ...
The Minister (non sex)
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Adult

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X
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Private Gold 89: X-Girls  »

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Mutants always take themselves so seriously
17 November 2009 | by (The House of the Rising Sun) – See all my reviews

Having completed the epic Porn Wars trilogy, writer Curtis Andrews and special effects maestro Milk decided their next subject to tackle was the Superhero genre, specifically the first X-men film. And this time Curtis would take place in the directors chair. Notice that I didn't refer to X-Girls as a 'spoof' for the entire one hour and fifty-four minute presentation is played deadly serious. Sure, Antonio Ross attempts to channel Jim Carry's Riddler instead of Ian McKellen's Magneto but ends up being neither funny nor scary. Ross was the hero of Porn Wars and is the villainous Antoan this time around. Likewise, Horst Baron has swapped the dark side for the good and plays the noble Professor Heart (as in 'X').

In between all the lengthy sex scenes there are some impressive CG effects (though some do look like leftovers from the earlier Jodi vs Seth trilogy), interesting costume design and even a couple of nice fight scenes. They also went all they way with the X-Men/Spider-man/Hulk molecule filled opening credits and comic book frames a la the classic A-Ha music video 'Take On Me'. All in all the production values are quite impressive for a film of this kind but, like other Fraserside productions, none of the principal actors are native English speakers. No matter how hard they try, their pronoun-cation is extremely hard to understand. The sole exception is Richard Rifkin who manages a convincing American accent. This is because he is actually a proper actor who appeared in such films as 'Eragon' and 'Hellboy II' and also likes to do non-sex bit parts in these Fraserside productions. On top of that, all the audio seems to have been recorded on set and on location which amounts to a whole lot of background noise. Here follows a description of the story for as far as I could decipher it, or in other words: spoilers. Nuff said.

Lauro Giotto plays Ignition, who works at the Ministry of Mutant Affairs and has the power to ignite flames in the palm of his hand. Roxy is Air-Girl who can move as swift as the wind. She ambushes Ignition at his lavish home and accuses him of being a traitor to Mutant kind. Then they have sex by the pool. And some more on his couch. She ends up straddling his rod between her boots which seems rather dangerous considering their powers. In a nice touch, these two characters are introduced with Wonder Woman style captions. Unfortunately, none of the other mutants are given similar care, so their code-name and powers have to be surmised from the spoken dialog, which isn't easy. The end credits don't help either.

Following the opening titles and a short but confusing fight sequence, we are introduced to Priva as 'Yoko'. Dressed up as an angel (no relation to the X-man of that name) Yoko finds her boyfriend John (Chokey Ice) dead after a wild night of passion. You see, she's the X-Girls version of 'Rogue'. Although at first the action seemed to take place in an expensive whore house, it soon transpires that Yoko's parents were in the next room. Naturally, they decide to drop her off at Professor Heart's school. Meanwhile, at the ministry, the weak-minded minister or senator or what ever (Lauro Giotto) is being seduced as well as influenced by his evil Mutant secretary (Judith Fox). She uses her mind and sex powers to turn him against the X's.

Ignition takes a jet up to the moon (!) to talk to the leader of the Evil Brotherhood, Antoan. The reason he's all the way up here is so Prof Heart can't find him with Xerebro. Meanwhile Yoko is receiving a tour of the X-Mansion from April (Katalin) which ends with her meeting the all powerful Professor. Meanwhile, two other X-Girls (who remain unidentified but are played by Nikki Rider and Tera Bond) are practicing in the Danger Room and decide to use the holographic marvel to play out their fantasies involving the professor.

Antoan sends Vanessa (Nikky Blond) down to Earth to fetch the Professor's walking stick. This he plans to plant at the scene of his ultimate crime: the assassination of the Minister (the guy from Eragon). But another evil Mutant, 'The Kid' (Cindy) has seen the error of her ways and spills the beans to April in return for some lesbian action. So the Professor has no other choice but to intercept the Brotherhood before they get to the harbor. And they do so in the woods. Notice that during the big fight scene, all the porn actors stand back so the uncredited martial artists and pyrotechnic stunt-people can do their thing. However they manage to dispose each other so quickly, that it comes down to a foursome between two X-girls and two Brotherhood members (April & Nikki Rider vs Ignition & The Secretary).

Yoko is not allowed to join in (remember, she kills people with her body) but when she joins Heart on the Minister's yacht, he decides she should use her special gift to lure Antoan into a trap while he takes on Vanessa. Being the heroic type, Heart also puts himself at risk by doubling up with his arch nemesis on Yoko. Both Mutant men end up in a weakened state, allowing Antoan to be captured and put in an even more elaborate and far fetched jail cell than Magneto was at the end of the first X-film. Strangely, there doesn't seem to be a sequel as yet...

7 out of 10


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