[after Joy is dumped by her fiancé]
Tipper: You know what? I can get a couple of my brother's loser ass friends to go over to Mason's apartment , knock on the door and when he opens it wham! They'll junk-punch him all up in his man business and he'll fall to the floor whaling and crying "why?" and then we'll say "you know why!"
Joy McNally: Wow! Did you just make that up?
Tipper: No, I thought about it a lot on the way over
Dave the Bear: Do you even know how to drive an automatic?
Tipper: You know why.
Jack Fuller: [standing outside the bathroom door] Can you hurry up?
Joy McNally: [from inside the bathroom, taking her time] Almost done!
[walks into the kitchen to find Jack pissing in their sink]
Jack Fuller: Oh yeah, this is really happening. Oh, and it's your day for dishes.
Hater: I'm the law, bitch!
Jack Fuller: ...We got robbed. All they took was the door.
Banger: So you're the lucky guy?
Jack Fuller: Yeah, Jack Fuller
[shakes Banger's hand]
Banger: Hi, i'm Richard Banger, you're in my seat!
Jack Fuller: Hold on a second, your name is Richard Banger?
Jack Fuller: So your name is Dick Banger! Dick Banger! Dick Banger!, you my friend have supplied us with jokes for the whole weekend.
Banger: And you must be Jack? Jack off! Jack off!, give it to me baby!
[Jack & Banger embrace each other]
Jack Fuller: And the old man is quick enough to think of a comeback
Jack Fuller: Jack off!, I actually like that
Tipper: I just wanna junk-punch him in his man business.
Joy McNally: That's just the topping I wanted on my popcorn. I know the box said its movie theater butter, but you guessed it. What I really wanted was Jack's Sweaty ballsack flavor!
Jack Fuller: I'm just giving you what you want, baby.
Hater: This is my lesbian sister. Tell them about your softball team, tell them about your team.
Tipper: If I could kill someone with my mind right now, it would be you.
Judge R. D. Whopper: ...Listen, I've been married for twenty five years to the same wonderful, infuriating woman. And granted there are days when I want to light her on fire but I don't, because I love her. And that would be illegal. And you know something, and I might be old fashioned but when I said those vows, I meant them.
Jack Fuller: I did take myself out of the game. If you stop betting, you never have to lose.
Joy McNally: Is there any part of the night, I don't know, maybe say the part where I was about to marry the rebound guy, that you thought, 'hey oh my God, this is a really good time for an intervention'?
Tipper: [extremely hungover] Seriously?
Joy McNally: Yeah.
Tipper: I like... threw up in my own purse... so...
Joy McNally: The grown-ups have to go to work today... What are you going to do all day?
Jack Fuller: I don't know yet
[shoves cereal in mouth]
Joy McNally: Hmph.
Jack Fuller: I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.
Joy McNally: Words to live by, Yanni.
Hater: I can have a vial of crabs here in 30 minutes.
Jack Fuller: Will to be married to me... again?
Joy McNally: [sighs] Being with you makes me be myself again so I will be married to you... again.
Joy McNally: I quit my job.
Jack Fuller: Good thing we have a ton of money!
Chong: Be whoever you want to be, you'll still gonna be my subordinate.
Joy McNally: Excuse me?
Chong: It's from the Latin, meaning "my bitch."
Mason: Well, this is my place so technically you'd be the one... who has to leave, but... are you crying?
Mason: [switches on light]
Mason: Oh... shit balls...
Hater: Lavender, you get on my head.
Chong: I eat girls like you.
Joy McNally: You eat girls?
Chong: That's not what I me...
Joy McNally: No, makes sense.
Chong: No! I'm not...
Joy McNally: Totally understandable.
Hater: I didn't invent hip hop... but I was there!
Hater: You should never let a chick get in your head; that's why I prefer not to even talk to my dates.
Jack Fuller: It's like you're trying to come in first, but it's someone else's race.
Jack Fuller: [accepting an award] I have to thank my wife Joy. She probably never told you all the story about how we met. It might come as a surprise to many of you that we didn't know each other for very long before we got hitched. What can I say - when you know, you know.
Hater: Take him to court. It might be nice.
Jack Fuller: What am I going to do about money?
Hater: Wow, you're just realizing that, right now? Fascinating.
Hater: [talking to tipper] You know what stripper? You're kind of a disgusting skank.
Hater: You're falling for your wife! Idiot!
Judge R. D. Whopper: [referring to Jack and Joy] Gay people aren't ruining the sanctity of marriage, you people are!