Special Agent Lars Ewing: This goes against every federal bone in my body, but who are you guys?
Shawn Spencer: I'm not familiar with the federal bone. Is that connected to the hip bone or the knee bone?
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Well, I can tell you what the knee bone is going to connect with if you don't get out of my way.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm gonna guess not the funny bone?
Lindsay Leikin: Does something smell like pineapple?
Shawn Spencer: Pineapple upside-down cake. Would you like some? Wait, before you answer that, are you a fan of delicious flavor?
Carlton Lassiter: [after Bianca touches the body] Hey! You can't do that!
Karen Vick: Please, we're lucky if our psychic doesn't lick the body
Shawn Spencer: Wait a minute... you're not Lassie.
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Well, I don't know what a "lassie" is, but I'm not it. Special Agent Lars Ewing, with the FTD.
Shawn Spencer: You're a special florist?
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Federal Treasury Department.
Shawn Spencer: We have a department that deals exclusively with treasures?
Shawn Spencer: You give a bad name to psychics like me who pride themselves on the purity of that gift. There are so many people out there who already doubt what we do. Now you've given them all a reason to think that we're fakes. You sicken me. I'm sickened. I mean, sure, I'm still wildly attracted to you on a physical level, but spiritually, psychically... you're dead to me.
Juliet O'Hara: [about Ewing] Do you think I wanted to pick up my phone at 2 a.m. and hear his voice, all gravelly and masculine? Probably called from the hotel, maybe just got out of the shower... or finished with a swim... dripping wet...
[Ewing and Lassiter try to one-up each other]
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Presidential Recommendation for Distinguished Service.
Carlton Lassiter: Presidential Physical Fitness Award, 8th, 9th, and 10th grade... and I've got a cocktail napkin from Air Force One.
Special Agent Lars Ewing: I personally arrested Ivan Boesky.
Carlton Lassiter: I wrestled in high school.
Special Agent Lars Ewing: What, with your conscience?
Carlton Lassiter: Is that a recording device? Government-issued?
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Asking if that is a recording device...
[takes a pen out of his jacket]
Special Agent Lars Ewing: ...is like asking if this is a pen.
Carlton Lassiter: Is it a pen?
Special Agent Lars Ewing: That's classified.
Carlton Lassiter: Hey, what color is that suit?
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Black.
Carlton Lassiter: Really? It seems blacker than black.
Special Agent Lars Ewing: It's Washington black.
[Lindsay Leikin invites Shawn to her hotel room to "discuss the case"]
Shawn Spencer: Oh, I'm so rude. Gus, buddy, would you like to join us?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Well, I probably shou...
Shawn Spencer: That *sucks*!
Shawn Spencer: Dad, I'm confused. These are plans for a wet bar.
Henry Spencer: Yeah, that's right. For entertaining.
Shawn Spencer: Right, but I don't see anywhere in the plans the portal into 1976.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It takes nineteen hours to cook a pineapple upside-down cake?
Shawn Spencer: It does when it's being cooked by a sixty-watt bulb.
Shawn Spencer: You read Ewing's informational packet?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Cover to cover.
Shawn Spencer: That's weird. I just read the cover.
Shawn Spencer: You might want to check the cash from the dealership, because it's not all counterfeit.
Special Agent Lars Ewing: That's ridiculous. If I had learned how to laugh as a child, I would right now.
Shawn Spencer: I'm Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Gus "Silly Pants" Jackson.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn, I think we're not welcome here.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be a paranoid schizophrenic. We're always welcome here.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No. Look.
[Shawn looks around the room; no one will make eye contact]
Shawn Spencer: Oh my God, we're not welcome.
Lindsay Leikin: Well, you were wrong about one thing, Shawn. I didn't sleep with you because you were my enemy. I did it because I really thought we had something.
Shawn Spencer: Okay, first of all, a little discretion would be nice, all right? I mean, these... these are my coworkers.
Shawn Spencer: In that case, maybe we should just date.
Lindsay Leikin: I'm seeing someone.
Shawn Spencer: Well, is it...
Lindsay Leikin: Serious? Yes.
Shawn Spencer: You didn't know I was...
Lindsay Leikin: Yes, I did.
Lindsay Leikin: I'm getting a visual. He printed a batch of about fifty thousand, which should last him a while.
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Five bills a sheet, at least eighty sheets missing from this ream, that sounds about right.
Shawn Spencer: [puts his hand to his head] Wait. No... I'm getting more. I'm getting a lot more. Like five *hundred* thousand, which would last more than just a while, maybe... maybe a lifetime.
Lindsay Leikin: That's not possible.
Shawn Spencer: It is if you live in one of the Baltic states.
Shawn Spencer: Dude, what time is 2200 hours?
[Gus rolls his eyes, walks away]
Shawn Spencer: Gus! Buddy, help me out! What is it? Is it, like, eleven o'clock times two? Buddy?
Lindsay Leikin: [Shawn is accusing her of knowing the thief] This is ridiculous.
Shawn Spencer: Is it? It's not like I'm wearing a giant moose costume.
Security Guard: Excuse me, can I help you guys?
Shawn Spencer: Hello...
[reads the Security Guard's name tag]
Shawn Spencer: Garrison, we're working on the counterfeiting case and we need to see all of yesterday's security footage.
Security Guard: How do you know my name's Garrison?
Shawn Spencer: [aside to Gus] ... you thought this was going to be a problem.