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(TV Series)

(2007)

Quotes

Dwight Schrute: My girlfriend and I broke up recently, and I must say I am relieved. It gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care. They're your oats.

Michael Scott: I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep and try it all again the next night.

Michael Scott: Used to have two cars, traded them in. Now we're down to one. Good economic sense, although the new car's a Porsche, for her.

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Michael Scott: Yes. Money has been a little bit tight lately, but at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm gonna be thinking about how many friends I have and my children and my comedy albums.

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Dwight Schrute: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.

Pam Beesly: What are the themes?

Dwight Schrute: America, Irrigation and Nighttime.

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Dwight Schrute: Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?

Jim Halpert: Yes. We will be requiring a bedtime story.

Dwight Schrute: No.

Jim Halpert: Not even "Harry Potter"?

Dwight Schrute: No, Jim, come on.

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Jim Halpert: I just realized that this is Pam's and my first night away together. I used to play it over in my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a nice hotel, or a romantic dinner, wine, but wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just less.

Dwight Schrute: This is beet food. Mose, what are you doing? No, Mose. Put the manure down. Put it down! Do not throw it! Do not... Ow!

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Figgero: This is a trading game. You give a quick pitch, you make the sale, you move on. That's how Vikram does it.

Michael Scott: Vikram doesn't have my people skills.

Figgero: Good for Vikram, because he outsells you every night.

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Dwight Schrute: Come in. Did you have another nightmare?

Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.

Jim Halpert: Does Mose have nightmares?

Dwight Schrute: [ominously] Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.

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Dwight Schrute: Is everything satisfactory with your stay?

Jim Halpert: Yeah.

Dwight Schrute: All right.

Jim Halpert: I just thought I heard crying or moaning or something in here.

Dwight Schrute: Oh, well, I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.

Jim Halpert: Good night, Dwight.

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Michael Scott: I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me.

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Andy Bernard: [about Angela] You need to set me up with her. I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.

Pam Beesly: What moves?

Andy Bernard: I have moonwalked past accounting, like, 10 times.

Pam Beesly: I can't believe that's not working.

Andy Bernard: Yeah.

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Andy Bernard: Okay, well, I come from a line of WASPs so long it leads back to Moses.

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Kevin Malone: Women be shopping.

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Creed Bratton: Hey, coz. Heard you're having money problems.

Michael Scott: No, you didn't.

Creed Bratton: Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.

Creed Bratton: [in confessional] Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to

[holds up a fake passport]

Creed Bratton: William Charles Schneider.

Michael Scott: How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.

Creed Bratton: You don't go by Monopoly, man. That game is *nuts*. Nobody just pick up Get Out of Jail Free cards. Those things cost thousands.

Michael Scott: That is a good point.

Creed Bratton: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start. It's a clean slate.

Michael Scott: Like the Witness Protection Program.

Creed Bratton: [simultaneously] Exactly.

Oscar Martinez: [simultaneously] Not at all.

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[last lines]

Michael Scott: Don't sell your implants, please.

Jan Levinson: I'm keeping them. I know you like them.

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Kelly Kapoor: Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

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Pam Beesly: Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight. Or Angela.

[pause]

Pam Beesly: Or Andy.

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Michael Scott: Hey, guys. What you talking about? Okay. I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, and I think...

Pam Beesley: Michael.

Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey.

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Oscar: Hey. I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word "bankruptcy" and expect anything to happen.

Michael Scott: I didn't say it. I declared it.

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Dwight Schrute: And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Shrute Farms, but as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get all that power back on.

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Jan Levinson-Gould: So, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.

Michael Scott: Oh, actually I need the car.

Jan Levinson-Gould: Why? For improv? Why don't you just pretend that you have a car?

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Stanley: [on the phone] When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats, drinking red wine, watching my mystery stories the last thing in the whole godforsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.

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Meredith: [talking about Michael] I can't believe he has a second job.

Oscar: He's not even good at his first one.

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Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems?

Michael Scott: Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?

Oscar: I know you heard me correctly.

Michael Scott: [sighs] Oh, I hate monkeys.

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Ryan Howard: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.

Michael Scott: [chuckles] Okay.

Ryan Howard: What?

Michael Scott: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.

Ryan Howard: No, it's 'whomever'.

Michael Scott: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.

Jim Halpert: Well, sometimes it's right.

Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.

Andy Bernard: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.

Oscar Martinez: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.

Michael Scott: [to camera] Not a native speaker.

Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

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[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']

Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

Ryan Howard: Do you really know which one is correct?

Kevin Malone: I don't know.

Pam Beesly: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.

Phyllis Lapin: That sounds right.

Michael Scott: Well, it sounds right, but is it?

Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?

Ryan Howard: As an object.

Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used *me* as an object.

Stanley: Is he right about that...?

Pam Beesly: How did he use it again?

Toby Flenderson: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...

Michael Scott: Thank you!

Toby Flenderson: ...to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.

Michael Scott: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

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[deleted scene]

Dwight Schrute: State your business!

Andy Bernard: I am dying of love sickness and horny sickness.

Dwight Schrute: That isn't possible, unless you mean gonorrhea.

Andy Bernard: I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?

Dwight Schrute: Yes, I did, except I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat and she is in a kind of grieving process and it makes her say things. So, best you just lay off.

Andy Bernard: No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.

Jim Halpert: Oh, my God. You do have gonorrhea.

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Jim Halpert: Dwight, how's the hotel business?

Dwight Schrute: Stupid.

Jim Halpert: Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?

Dwight Schrute: No.

Jim Halpert: Maybe you should.

Dwight Schrute: Maybe you should... Whatever.

[talking head]

Pam Beesly: We wrote a good review. Under "Comments," we wrote, "The natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times."

Jim Halpert: "The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings."

Pam Beesly: "Table-making never seemed so possible."

Jim Halpert: "You will never want to leave your room."

Pam Beesly: "The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm."

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Michael Scott: I owe you an apology.

Pam Beesly: You finished the movie.

Michael Scott: Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.

Pam Beesly: No. Go ahead.

Michael Scott: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never saw it coming. Anyway, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, minooshka.

Pam Beesly: [whispers] Minooshka.

Pam Beesly: [later] Mo cuishle. He's watching "Million Dollar Baby."

[pause]

Pam Beesly: He's gonna try to kill me.

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Darryl Philbin: [about Kelly] It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's getting to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.

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Kelly Kapoor: Well, I just need to know where this is going.

Darryl Philbin: Hey, I like you. All right? What's not to like? But you need to access your un-crazy side; otherwise, maybe this thing has run its course.

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Michael Scott: Hey, congrats on the bonus.

Vikram: Thank you, Michael.

Michael Scott: I'm gonna nab it one of these nights.

Vikram: Well, if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.

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[Dwight moans in stairwell]

Jim Halpert: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?

[Dwight mumbles]

Jim Halpert: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.

Dwight Schrute: [mumbling] Beesley?

Jim Halpert: Yeah. I mean, she was with Roy, and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate on anything. And weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

[Jim sighs and returns to the office]

Pam Beesley: Hey, I was thinking about dinner, we...

[Jim kisses Pam passionately, cutting her off]

Jim Halpert: Dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place where the dry cleaner used to be.

Pam Beesley: [a bit shocked, smiling] Okay.

Jim Halpert: Yeah?

Pam Beesley: Yeah.

Jim Halpert: Okay.

Pam Beesley: [in confessional] Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.

[smiles]

Jim Halpert: [smiling] Yeah. I'm very passionate about Italian food.

[Jim sits back down at his desk; Pam and Jim smiling at each other]

Jim Halpert: In fact, I'm in love with Italian food.

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Dwight Schrute: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin. Dwight Schrute. Please hold.

[he transfers the phone, and begins looking around in a file on his desk, then resumes his conversation]

Dwight Schrute: Schrute Farms, Guten Tag! How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh, no. I'm sorry. No king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes.

[Jim, who has been staring confusedly at Dwight this whole time, hangs up his own phone]

Dwight Schrute: Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf Wiedersehen.

[hangs up]

Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute: None of your business, Jim.

Jim Halpert: You running a bed and breakfast?

Dwight Schrute: It is not a B&B.

Dwight Schrute: [later, to the camera] Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.

Jim Halpert: Does the Department of Health know about this?

Dwight Schrute: I am not telling you anything.

[to the camera]

Dwight Schrute: Permits are pending.

[his phone rings]

Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.

Pam Beesly: Hello. I'm looking for a room.

Dwight Schrute: Okay. This is a misuse of company phones.

Pam Beesly: It says here you cater to the elderly.

Dwight Schrute: Where did you read that?

Pam Beesly: Trip Advisor.

Dwight Schrute: [to camera] Trip Advisor is the lifeblood of the agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you may as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn, one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.

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Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used me as an object.

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Michael Scott: [to the entire office] I declare... BANKRUPTCY!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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