Dwight Schrute: I am going to be your new boss.
Dwight Schrute: It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Checkout time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay. Just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell, and you are co-running a bed-and-breakfast with the Devil.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: $80,000 a year.
[during a talking heads segment about Jan's boob job]
Meredith Palmer: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front.
Kevin Malone: I love fake boobs. Oftentimes, you find them on strippers.
Creed Bratton: I find it offensive. Au naturel, baby. That's how I like them. Swing low, sweet chariots.
Dwight Schrute: What is the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley Hudson: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Dwight Schrute: Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.
David Wallace: So I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. Great. I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
Ryan Howard: I'm excited, too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly Kapoor: Who was that?
Ryan Howard: Nobody,
Ryan Howard: You and I are done.
Kelly Kapoor: What?
[glances at the camera]
Pam Beesly: So you would be the regional manager and the assistant regional manager, Andy is your number two. I would be the secret assistant regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm, let's call it secret assistant to the regional manager.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: Do you accept?
Pam Beesly: Absolutely I do.
[after Jim interrupts her confessional and asks her out]
Pam Beesley: I'm sorry. What was the question?
Dwight Schrute: Although, publicly, I am going to retain the assistant regional manager position.
Pam Beesly: You will be your own assistant.
Dwight Schrute: Correct. I need someone I can trust.
Michael Scott: Why is my office black?
Dwight Schrute: To intimidate my subordinates.
Michael Scott: That's stupid.
Michael Scott: Hey, Hunter! Whazzup mah brotha?
[to Jim and Karen]
Michael Scott: This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire.
Hunter: Uh, administrative assistant.
Michael Scott: Jan in yet?
Hunter: I think she's coming in later.
Michael Scott: Can you give her a message for me when she gets in?
[pulls out notepad]
Michael Scott: Just say, "I want to squeeze them". It's code, she'll know what it means.
Hunter: [closes notepad] Okay.
Michael Scott: Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her
[obscene motorboating gesture]
Michael Scott: also?
[Hunter leaves dismissively]
Jan Levinson: [barging into David's office] You son of a bitch.
David Wallace: Jan, this isn't the time. I'm in an interview.
Jan Levinson: You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
David Wallace: Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
Jan Levinson: Erratic?
David Wallace: Recently you haven't even shown interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office; you spend most of the day online shopping; you disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days, always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale; you go to Scranton far more often than you need to...
Jan Levinson: [takes off jacket, exposing cleavage] Is it because of these?
Michael Scott: [sulking outside of office] Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan...
Jan Levinson: I wanna know! I wanna know because if it is, then-then I will see you in court!
David Wallace: It's not. It's not.
Jan Levinson: [indicating Michael] 'Cause he likes them, okay? He likes them! A-and that is all I care about.
David Wallace: The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.
Michael Scott: Hey, you're unstable.
[David glares at Michael]
Jan Levinson: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Nope. We're all unstable, so...
Jan Levinson: Okay, you know what, I'm just not leaving! I'm not leaving! I'm not leaving.
Michael Scott: David, I did not tell her.