Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, you missed something. We found prints.
Shawn Spencer: Was he in a little red corvette?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Under the cherry moon?
Carlton Lassiter: *Finger* prints.
Juliet O'Hara: Well, I did go to cheerleader camp for two weeks. I got kicked out.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Kicked out?
Juliet O'Hara: It's a long story. Suffice it to say I don't like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head.
Henry Spencer: That's it - take off the robe! Wearing that robe is a privilege and you, pal, have just lost it!
Nigel St. Nigel: I steadfastly refuse. This is the plushiest, most opulent robe I've ever had the pleasure of wearing.
Henry Spencer: Well, there's one thing we can agree on. Now give it up.
Nigel St. Nigel: No. I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy
Chance Cade: Nigel just called us a curious combination of inbreeding and type 2 diabetes, but he passed us through anyways.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Wow. That seems awfully harsh.
Chance Cade: Yeah, Australian people are mean.
Nigel St. Nigel: You're stiff. Inarticulate. Slightly jaundiced. Asymmetrical. You smell. The one on the right, there's something in your teeth. All in all, I'd say there's absolutely nothing worthwhile about either one of you.
Singer #1: But... we haven't even sang yet.
Nigel St. Nigel: Apples and oranges. Anybody else?
Emilina Saffron: [slurred] I like 'em.
Nigel St. Nigel: Well, of course you like them, you've been asleep for the last forty-five minutes. Zapato?
Zapato Dulce: Well, I...
Nigel St. Nigel: Good. Moving on.
Zapato Dulce: I was the first to sign on. This was supposed to be MY show! MY shot! MY comeback! You turned me into a simp! I freaking hate you! People don't even know who I am. I get fan letters addressed to Geraldo, Ricky Martin, and that guy from the El Pollo Loco commercial. You ruined everything! Why won't you die?
[Zapato lunges at Nigel, but is quickly restrained]
Nigel St. Nigel: Really? That was your plan? That has to be the poorest executed attack in history. I was two feet away from you all the time. I mean, you have to be absolutely, without doubt, the worst murderer I have ever seen.
Shawn Spencer: I'm Shawn Spenstar. This is my partner, Gus T.T. Showbiz.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: The extra T is for extra talent.
Shawn Spencer: [about American Duos] This is just another knock-off of the other knock-off of the original knock-off of that other show.
Nigel St. Nigel: I feel as if I have been incarcerated in a blueberry.
Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, you missed something. We've found prints.
Shawn Spencer: Was he in a little red Corvette...
Burton 'Gus' Guster: under the cherry moon?
Carlton Lassiter: Finger-prints
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [the phone rings] Don't you dare answer that.
Shawn Spencer: Dude, it's Jules. She could be bleeding and in a ditch.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: She's not bleeding.
Shawn Spencer: She could be in a ditch.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: She's not in a ditch.
Shawn Spencer: She could be lonely and in the shower.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: She has a shower phone?
Shawn Spencer: I certainly hope so. Dude, it's a win-win... except for the ditch one.
Emilina Saffron: Now you're trying to seduce me.
Carlton Lassiter: I never thought I would make this sound in my lifetime, but... ewww!
[in an interrogation room]
Carlton Lassiter: Great. What are you two doing down at that competition?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: We're looking for our big break.
Shawn Spencer: Do I get a phone call?
Carlton Lassiter: No. I am trying to conduct an investigation. Out!
Shawn Spencer: Don't you want to ask us if we did it?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Ask *him*. I plead the fifth.
Juliet O'Hara: Shawn, I'm a detective, not a svengali.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, come on, Jules...
Juliet O'Hara: Shawn, I think I would know if I were a svengali.
Henry Spencer: I've got an ice-cold can of whoop-ass just sitting in that fridge!
Shawn Spencer: Actually, it's diet whoop-ass.
Nigel St. Nigel: [sitting in Gus' car] I feel like I've been incarcerated in a blueberry.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn!
Nigel St. Nigel: This car makes me want to weep and then die.
Henry Spencer: Take it off!
Nigel St. Nigel: No!
Shawn Spencer: Uh, Dad? I think he's going commando under there.
Henry Spencer: No, he's not.
[looks at Nigel, who smiles]
Henry Spencer: What kind of sick bastard goes commando underneath another man's robe?
Juliet O'Hara: What about Detective Lassiter?
Nigel St. Nigel: Absolutely not. His hair looks like it was poured out of a cake mold.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn, we're in a hallway. Staying close to the wall doesn't make us invisible.
Shawn Spencer: I'm going to disagree.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: How did you know that sandwich didn't come from the kitchen?
Shawn Spencer: Easy. There were only eighty-three sesame seeds on his bun. All the other ones from the hotel have eighty-seven.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Are you serious?
Shawn Spencer: [scoffs] No. The other ones have swords, Nigel's had a toothpick. I'm not Rain Man, Gus.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You sing like Rain Man.
Nigel St. Nigel: [on Shawn and Gus's audition performance] It was real, it was rough, post-post-postmodern, yet challenging. Sandpaper-esque.
[Shawn attempts to take food off Gus's plate]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You must be out of your damn mind.
Shawn Spencer: Dude, you have three full cobs.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn, I will slap you.
Nigel St. Nigel: [seeing Henry's house] Good Lord. Who lives here, the Boringtons?
Shawn Spencer: There's a better then decent chance this goes poorly.
[Shawn is kneeling beside a toilet]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That's what you get for drinking whole milk, Shawn.
Shawn Spencer: Dude, I have bones of granite.
Emilina Saffron: Hello? I need my bag!
Emilina Saffron: Oh, Mr. Bean, thank God it's you! I really need my bag, please.
Carlton Lassiter: And I need a confession.
Emilina Saffron: I have a kid in Milwaukee. The father's Samoan. Can I now please have my bag, Tony Randall?
Nigel St. Nigel: [to Shawn] What is it with you and throwing things?
Juliet O'Hara: I wouldn't put all my eggs in Emilina's basket. She's barely lucid enough to form word endings, much less plan a series of attacks on Nigel's life.
Shawn Spencer: She could be like Keyser Soze.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: With one shoe.
Emilina Saffron: [to Lassiter] Come on, Count Chocula, I know you're in there! Don't make me pee on something! Again!
Carlton Lassiter: Well, who was it?
Emilina Saffron: I can't be sure. I thought I was dreaming, but it might have been a werewolf.
Shawn Spencer: Nigel!
Nigel St. Nigel: [crawling out from under a table] I just, um, dropped some... items.
Juliet O'Hara: Well, I did go to cheerleader camp. For two weeks. I got kicked out.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Kicked out?
Juliet O'Hara: It's a long story. Sufficient to say, I don't like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little on the back of the head.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I might have been a little pitchy; I had a dairy-heavy Jamba Juice.
Nigel St. Nigel: I feel like an angel baby, swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy.
Young Shawn: [dressed as Roland Orzabal from Tears for Fears and annoyed that Gus showed up dressed as Michael Jackson instead of Billy Ocean] Why would Michael Jackson sing with Roland Orzabal?
Young Gus: Why would Billy Ocean sing with Roland Orzabal?
Young Shawn: Because he's awesome.
[Henry Spencer is serving Steak to obnoxious reality TV show judge Nigel St. Nigel. He gives the retired cop as look of disdain]
Henry Spencer: Is there a problem?
Nigel St. Nigel: Well look at it. It's still got the marks where the Jockey was hitting it.