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"House M.D." The Jerk (TV Episode 2007) Poster

(TV Series)

(2007)

Quotes

Dr. Robert Chase: Does your head hurt?

Nate: Are you an idiot?

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Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You killed Foreman's job interview.

Dr. James Wilson: Why would I...?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Somebody did. Wasn't me and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House which means it has to be someone who actually likes House, which means it's either you or the weird night janitor who wears his pants backwards.

Dr. James Wilson: I want Foreman to leave. House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron is in love with him, Chase is afraid of him, and I enable him. House needs limits.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I give him...

Dr. James Wilson: You authorize magic mushrooms.

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Dr. Gregory House: I like this kid.

Dr. Robert Chase: You haven't met him.

Dr. Gregory House: I know you don't like him. What else do I need to know?

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Dr. Gregory House: I hate this kid.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I like this kid.

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Dr. Eric Foreman: Hey!

[House heads to the elevator]

Dr. Gregory House: Something on your mind?

[hits elevator button]

Dr. Gregory House: Because you totally can't tell.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I had a job interview lined up at New York Mercy yesterday.

Dr. Gregory House: Hospital for Manhattan's glitterati. Big coup. Your homies must be kvelling.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [angry tone] Didn't happen because apparently I called to cancel. I don't remember making that call. You think I have neurological issues?

Dr. Gregory House: Yes.

[elevator dings and doors open]

Dr. Eric Foreman: [shouting] Why are you jerking me around?

Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't me.

[gets into the elevator]

Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, it was one of the other petty, socially-repressed asses I work for.

[gets into the elevator with House]

Dr. Gregory House: Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher.

[the elevator closes; scene cuts to House and Foreman walking off the elevator]

Dr. Eric Foreman: If you want me to stay, tell me you want me to stay.

Dr. Gregory House: Would it matter?

Dr. Eric Foreman: No, but it'd be the adult way to handle it.

Dr. Gregory House: If the adult way doesn't work, why bother with it?

Dr. Eric Foreman: I've been totally professional! Gave two weeks notice, continued to work cases, scheduled my interviews on my own time! You have no right to screw with my future.

Dr. Gregory House: You're gonna be all whiny during the differental diagnosis, aren't you?

Dr. Gregory House: [Foreman starts to walk away] It wasn't me.

[Foreman turns to House]

Dr. Gregory House: I only sabotage people I consider worth it.

[Foreman walks away; House heads to his office]

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Dr. Robert Chase: [while giving Nate mushrooms] Nate, how's the pain?

Nate: Hey, it's Skippy, the bush kangaroo!

Dr. Robert Chase: Your head, Nate. We need to know how the pain is.

Nate: What I got here is the opposite of pain.

Dr. Allison Cameron: That means you're suffering from cluster headaches which means hopefully...

[Nate looks at Cameron]

Nate: [laughs] Man, you're hot!

[turns to Chase]

Nate: She's making me horny.

Dr. Robert Chase: Deal with it.

Nate: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can't get me stoned then not close the deal.

Dr. Robert Chase: [under his breath] God, shut up.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [to Chase] Take it easy, he's not well.

Nate: [laughs] You'll regret saying no. Check it out.

[Nate opens his gown exposing himself to Chase and Cameron]

Dr. Robert Chase: [disgusted tone] Oh, for God's sake!

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Dr. Allison Cameron: Where's Foreman?

Dr. Gregory House: He's mad at me.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Why?

Dr. Gregory House: No reason.

Dr. Robert Chase: [scoffs] Yeah, that makes sense.

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Dr. James Wilson: House is a 6-year-old who thinks he's better off without parents. A few tummy-aches after dinners of ice cream and ketchup might do him some good.

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Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson after suspecting him of sabotaging Foreman's job interview] You made that call and because of that call, you basically guaranteed Foreman's out of here.

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Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy thinks I sabotaged Foreman's interview. She's gonna fire me.

Dr. Allison Cameron: I don't believe it.

Dr. James Wilson: She said it was unprofessional and...

Dr. Allison Cameron: No, I mean I literally don't believe it. Cuddy wouldn't fire you for something like that.

[Wilson looks guilty]

Dr. Allison Cameron: Which means either she lied to you or you're lying to me.

Dr. James Wilson: You so would have fallen for that three years ago.

Dr. Allison Cameron: You were looking for a reaction. You were looking for me to feel bad for you, save your skin. But how am I gonna save you? Unless you think I'm the one who really did it.

Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy's logic was Foreman's valuable to House. I care about House. Ergo, I would do anything to save him.

Dr. Allison Cameron: And your logic was I care about House as much as you do, ergo...

[Wilson nods]

Dr. Allison Cameron: It wasn't me. I don't care about House.

Dr. James Wilson: I don't believe you.

Dr. Allison Cameron: No one does. House is nothing more than my boss, Foreman's nothing more than a colleague.

Dr. James Wilson: [nods his head] You're lying.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Everyone does, but it wasn't me.

Dr. James Wilson: [nods and leaves]

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Dr. Allison Cameron: Foreman's interview in New York got screwed up.

Dr. Robert Chase: I heard.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Foreman thought it was House, House thought it was Cuddy, Cuddy thought it was Wilson, Wilson thought it was me.

[stares accusingly at Chase]

Dr. Robert Chase: And you think it was me?

[chuckles]

Dr. Robert Chase: God, you think I sabotaged Foreman? I don't even want him here.

Dr. Allison Cameron: I know.

Dr. Robert Chase: Then why would I do...?

Dr. Allison Cameron: I think you sabotaged Foreman just to sabotage Foreman.

Dr. Robert Chase: So everyone's a suspect because everyone wants to help House, except for me. I'm a suspect because I'm a petty, vindictive jerk?

[Cameron stares at him]

Dr. Robert Chase: You actually think I would do something like that?

Dr. Allison Cameron: It was someone.

Dr. Robert Chase: [firm tone] It wasn't me.

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Dr. Robert Chase: It's Tuesday.

Dr. Allison Cameron: I know.

Dr. Robert Chase: I like you.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [smiles] I know. See you next Tuesday.

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Nate: Hey, Dr. X?

[Foreman looks at him]

Nate: I know you've busted ass trying to save me.

Dr. Eric Foreman: It's all right.

Nate: I wasn't gonna thank you.

[coughs]

Nate: I was gonna tell you you really suck at this.

Dr. Eric Foreman: We're doing our best.

Nate: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.

[Foreman sighs]

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Nate: So, do people watch what they say around you?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Because I'm black?

Nate: No, because you're gay.

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Dr. Eric Foreman: And when that case comes along that I can't figure out, you know who I'd have to go to?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Or you can just let that patient die, that's completely up to you.

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Dr. Gregory House: Oh, almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [sarcastically] No problem.

[House exits her office]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [chasing after House] I was being sarcastic!

Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript.

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Dr. Eric Foreman: Nate went medieval on the other kid... could be

Dr. Gregory House: Hold on. I'm having a moment... this...

[feigning emotion]

Dr. Gregory House: ...this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting adrenal gland tumor.

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Dr. Robert Chase: Blood thinners and TMS had no effect; it's not cluster headaches.

Dr. Gregory House: You accusing the symptoms of lying?

Dr. Allison Cameron: Could be hemacomatosis.

Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't account for the personality disorder.

Dr. Robert Chase: Hypothyroidism.

Dr. Gregory House: He's not getting aggressive and lethargic, he's getting aggressive and aggressiver.

Dr. Allison Cameron: What about ruptured dermoid cyst?

Dr. Gregory House: [House stumbles backward] Sorry. I just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. Its Foreman's turn to be shot down.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [listlessly] The thing that Cameron said.

Dr. Gregory House: Way to think outside the box. No fat in the ventricles. It's cluster headaches.

Dr. Robert Chase: Normal treatment didn't work. Abnormal treatment didn't work.

Dr. Gregory House: Good point, Foreman. The normal treatments don't always work. Symptoms never lie.

Dr. Allison Cameron: The only approved treatment left for cluster headaches is brain surgery and that's not even a guarantee.

Dr. Gregory House: Back off, Foreman!

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Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] You are one evil, cunning woman. It's a massive turn-on.

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Nate: Pain's gettin' worse! Need. 'Shrooms. *now*.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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