Tom:
People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated.
Tom:
What happens when you fall in love?
Summer:
You believe in that?
Tom:
It's love, it's not Santa Claus.
Tom:
It's official. I'm in love with Summer.
[
while Montage of Summer plays]
Tom:
I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. I love how she licks her lips before she talks. I love her heart-shaped birthmark on her neck. I love it when she sleeps.
Paul:
[
Opens the door to Tom's apartment] We didn't know who to call.
McKenzie:
It's Amanda Heller all over again.
Rachel Hansen:
You did the right thing.
Rachel Hansen:
Just because she's likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate.
Author's Note:
The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jenny Beckman. Bitch.
Partygoer:
So Tom, what is it that you do?
Tom:
I uh, I write greeting cards.
Summer:
Tom could be a really great architect if he wanted to be.
Partygoer:
That's unusual, I mean, what made you go from one to the other?
Tom:
I guess I just figured, why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that last forever, like a greeting card.
Summer:
We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now.
Tom:
Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious.
Summer:
No I'm Sid.
Tom:
Oh, so I'm Nancy...
[
Pancakes arrive]
Summer:
Let's just eat and we'll talk about it later. Mmm, that is good, I'm really glad we did this. I love these pancakes... what?
[
Tom gets up and walks away from the table]
Summer:
Tom, don't go! You're still my best friend!
Narrator:
This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.
Rachel Hansen:
Tom, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Next time you look back, I think you should look again.
Rachel Hansen:
You know, all my friends love you and think you're great. It's like they say, there's plenty of fish in the sea.
Tom:
[
Looks at a group of twelve year old girls who wave at him and giggle] Those aren't fish. They're guppies.
Rachel Hansen:
Better that you find this out now before you come home and find her in bed with Lars from Norway.
Tom:
Who's Lars from Norway?
Rachel Hansen:
He's some guy she met at the gym with Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs.
Summer:
You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me.
Rachel Hansen:
Quit being a pussy.
Vance:
[
reading a card that Tom has written] Roses are red, violets are blue... Fuck you, whore!
Narrator:
This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie 'The Graduate'. The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parent's marriage she'd only love two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.
Tom:
She took a giant shit on my face. Literally.
Alison:
Literally?
Tom:
Well, no, not literally. That's disgusting.
Tom:
[
Montage of Summer] I hate her crooked teeth. I hate the way she smacks her lips. I hate her knooby knees. I hate that cockroach shape splotch on her neck.
[
Fade to black]
Tom:
[
Swayze's She's Like the Wind plays briefly] I HATE THIS SONG!
Bus Driver:
[
Open to Tom standing while bus comes to a sudden stop] Sir, you need to get off the bus.
Summer:
I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom:
Knew what?
Summer:
What I was never sure of with you.
Tom:
Darling...
[
Summer looks up at him]
Tom:
I don't know how to tell you this, but... there's a Chinese family in our bathroom.
Tom:
My name's Tom.
Girl at Interview:
[
shaking hands] Nice to meet you. I'm Autumn.
Narrator:
Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. May 23rd was a Wednesday.
Tom:
Paul, seriously...
Paul:
Did you bang her?
Tom:
No!
Paul:
Blow job?
Tom:
No!
Paul:
Hand job?
Tom:
No, Paul, no jobs. I'm still unemployed. We just kissed.
Summer:
I named my cat after Springsteen.
Tom:
Cool... what was his name?
Summer:
Bruce.
Paul:
Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real.
Tom:
You don't want to be named as someone's boyfriend, and now your someone's wife?
McKenzie:
Hey, don't you have like 20 cards to write by Friday?
Tom:
Nope, all done.
McKenzie:
Really? Well, could you help me with mine? Because I'm running out of ways to say "Congratulations". So far, I've got: "Congrats", "Good job" and "Well done".
Tom:
Hmmm. How about..."Every day you make me proud. But today you get a card."
McKenzie:
Shit, that's good!
Tom:
I know.
Rachel Hansen:
PMS?
Tom:
What do you know about PMS?
Rachel Hansen:
More than you, Tom.
Tom:
Either she's an evil, emotionless, miserable human being, or... she's a robot.
Tom:
Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency.
Summer:
I know.
Tom:
I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently.
Summer:
And I can't give you that. Nobody can.
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