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The only thing remotely funny about this movie is the "Lesbian Vampire Killers" title. I don't know if they are going for campy fun or just using the title desperately to try to sway horny thirteen year old boys to rent this awful movie, but the movie is just terrible. They obviously are going for the Shaun of the Dead crowd by having British comics and replacing the zombies with vampires, but the jokes in this movie as well as all the actors/characters in it are just painful. I could barely manage to get through this travesty of a film, it was totally un-entertaining on every level imaginable. Main problem was the terrible writing with lazy, predictable, unfunny jokes, but the actors were also hammy and terrible. I can't believe anybody actually put money into making this film.
This film isn't intelligent (even is a cool post-modern kind of way). If you are a braying idiot who just likes base humour, you'll be in your element. It would be unfair to say this was badly acted or made. It isn't. The film is called 'Lesbian vampire killers' so the most important thing is.......it has to be FUN. This film is not. It is dull. It even fails as a party movie. When I saw this I really wanted to like it, but it's just so badly written and so misjudged that i feel kinda sorry for it. If it's aiming for tits and arse jokes, why are there barely any tits and arse? The protagonists spout blue jokes all the way through the film, but the violence is slight and childish. The lesbianism is virtually non-existent. I guess the makers were aiming for American pie meets Dracula but everything is so toned down that it becomes totally unbalanced. Like an episode of 'Goosebumps' but with two swearing cretins. Actually that description makes it sound better than it is.
There is one word for this film: Weak. If you think you're going to get
Shaun Of The Dead with vampires as one comment suggests you will be
This film is not without it's laughs, but sadly they are few and far between and mostly in the trailer (the werewolf line is still the best in the whole film so work out how much that made you laugh in the trailer, figure that's the best you're getting and decide from there).
It is only 87 minutes but it still manages to get dull, something Shaun avoided. It does not have the deft lightness, charm and flow of Shaun and this is largely due to sub-Carry On writing that thinks it's funny when you are rolling eyes and groaning. The direction is lazy and feels more like one of the standard rubbish 'Brit comedian(s) comedy' like Sex Lives Of The Potato Men or Parole Officer. It's better than Potato Men of course - on a sort of level with Parole Officer I suppose or the Oz comedy Black Sheep.
Perhaps if Horne and Corden had written it, as Pegg and Wright did for Shaun, it would have worked for them better. But this is a weak film that only comes off as the pair trying (and failing) to do their own Shaun. Avoid unless a die-hard Horne and Corden fan, and even then you'll have to talk yourself into enjoying it if you're sober!
(Credit IMDb) Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the
Vampire Queen Carmilla in the remote Cragwich; however, before
decapitating the evil vampire, she curses the locals and descendants of
the baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampire
on the eighteenth birthday. On the present days, the clumsy and naive
cuckold Jimmy is dumped again by his girlfriend Judy and misses her.
His best friend Fletch is fired in his job of clown after hitting an
annoying boy. The two friends are broken and decide to camp in the
countryside to forget their problems, and Jimmy throws a dart in a map
in a pub to decide where they should go. They head to Cragwich and when
they arrive in the bar Baron's Rest, they see four hot girls leaving
the place in a Kombi. The innkeeper offers the old Mircalla cottage in
the woods for them, the same place the girls will lodge. Meanwhile,
I rented this out of pure curiosity, due to the titling itself. I really didn't expect much for a film of this nature, and I pretty much got what I bargained for. It's nothing downright horrible, but nothing overly amusing either. It tries so hard to follow in the vain of Shaun of the Dead, but it doesn't have the laughs or the talent to accomplish that feat. The characters themselves aren't very intriguing, and it really only gained steam for me in the final 35 minutes or so.
Bottom line. Mediocre sums up the word for this movie perfectly. Don't remember much about it, don't really care too. Worth a look I guess, but it's vastly forgettable.
4 ½ /10
Really, I watched this because of the title. It sounded like a cheesy B
horror movie which is right up my alley. I wasn't expecting much from
it, but it was certainly much better than expected.
Overall, I'd say the movie is in the vein of Shaun of the Dead, except with lesbian vampires instead of zombies. Given that premise, most people I tell about this movie look at me funny. OK fine. But, despite the whole idea of lesbian vampires, there is very little nudity (although plenty of scantily clad attractive ladies and a few bare breasts thrown in).
I was impressed with the characters, who although all seem to be complete unknowns did an impressive job. The camera work, dialog, settings and special effects were well above low budget horror standards. The movie was very funny with enough action to keep things going, and enough eye candy to make it fun without turning it into a soft core porn.
No, it's not high brow cinema, but it is FAR from the worst movies I've seen. Despite the title, it has a plot and a lot of very funny moments, and is very watchable.
I saw 'Lesbian Vampire Killers' on sky and I wish I didn't , it stars
'Gavin and Stacey' stars James Corden and Mat Horne, it's their movie
debut The plot is easy: dumped by his deceitful girlfriend Judy,
unlucky Jimmy (Horne) drags his friend Fletch (Corden) on a trip to
Norfolk. They run into trouble with a clan of girl-hungry vampires.
'Lesbian Vampire Killers' is just bad playground comedy that assumes that swearing and boob flashing will recompense for the absence of actual jokes. It's a furtive revenge fantasy of two adolescent nerds against the entire female gender. The women in the film are, sexually ravenous, man-hating bitches, and it's hard not to feel nauseous as they are dispatched in a number of unimaginative, brutal ways.
The plot is overstretched at 86 minutes, conclusion, this is just plain bad.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
There are movies that you would rather suffer extreme torture than
watch again. This is one of them. Granted, I never expected it to be an
incisive commentary of female homosexuality in modern Britain, but nor
was I expecting drivel on the level that makes Hammer's "Vampire
Lovers" look like a) a faithful adaptation of LeFanu's source material
and b) as good as "Lawrence of Arabia". I should also have taken heed
when the narrator of the prologue uses profanity when describing the
origin of the curse which apparently turns good normal straight girls
into chiffon-clad man eating lesbian vampires who think being
threatening consists of standing around posing and gesturing
seductively. Not once did I consider them a credible threat, except to
The level of of humour in the movie can be summed up by the fact they think that having a sword with a phallus for a hilt that channels the power of the tentacle-demon Dilido (?) is actually funny. It isn't. It's just cringe-worthy. Corden and Horne I didn't expect to know any better but Paul McGann should have steered well clear of this mess, since he is wasted in his small role as the vampire-hunting vicar. (He was actually better served in the 1996 "Doctor Who" TV movie.)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Don't get me wrong - I didn't go into this expecting Citizen Kane but
as a fan of Hammer films and Matt Horne in The Catherine Tate Show and
Gavin and Stacey, I expected more than this complete tripe.
If you find "gags" about "bumming", "ponces" and "hot d+kes" amusing then you won't be disappointed. It's full of them.
The film's really got nothing to commend it - if you don't like James Corden, this won't be the film to change your mind. He basically reprises his role as Smithy in Gavin and Stacey - right down to the robotic dancing. Matt Horne does slightly better with terrible material to work with and the less said about the vampires the better. They won't be getting into RADA based on these performances and accents.
The script writers seem to be under the impression that sticking a swearword into a line of dialogue somehow makes it amusing. It doesn't.
So, don't waste 80 minutes of your life!
Opening night at the cinema, 2 dozen people at most in it. The writers
must have relied entirely on the humorous title and the fact that the
two male leads are from a moderately successful British sit-com to
bring the crouds in. Their character development is minimal, Try to
think of "Shaun of the Dead" or "Withnail and I" with all the humour
taken out. Lesbianism that is just a bit of kissing and some boobie
shots, and there's a bit of blood and biting for the vampire scenes.
None of the characters are really likable though. Why cheer for Jimmy
if all he does is stand there looking gormless all the time? Hang on,
he's pretending to be Ash from the Evil Dead series.... maybe not.
Fletch's character is someone who thinks 4 letter words are funny.
There's a strange feeling of unbalance in this film. One of my gripes was the sound. it's way over-produced, every single spooky noise going through the whole surround system in sequence to the point where it's not spooky at all. The effects and scenes are top notch, so are the costumes and make-up on the vampire girls, so why wasn't more effort put into the script and the filming? There's barely enough material to fill half an hour here, and sometimes the action feel clumsy and awkward as if neither the actors nor the film crew really knew what's going on.
Put it this way, if you want to watch vampires being killed, watch Blade or Dusk till dawn. If you want to watch lesbians, search the internet. And it you can't find a teen comedy, you need to get out more.
I opened this account because I cannot understand the mediocre rating this movie has, which may many people drive away from seeing it. And this is a shame because for me, it was one of the funniest movies I ever saw. As guideline, 10 out of ten means for me a movie does exactly what it's aimed for. A comedy should be fun, a thriller should be thrilling, and so on. Other tens for me would be The Naked Gun, Ronin, Citizen Kane, The Usual Suspects, for instance. This movie is a cheap comedy but in the very best meaning, it is naive, blunt, sometimes heart-warming, most times hilarious, it is often exaggerated, in fact it is like a 5 year old boy, if you know what I mean. It is always fun to watch, sometimes a little bit hard to understand but its charm will always make you smile. So, please, go watch it. You will not regret.
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