Vampire Killers (2009)
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The thing that spoiled it for me was Corden. There is far too much of him playing his usual one-dimensional character that he obviously has not developed and which he thinks is funny but isn't really.
In fact, Corden's 'performance' could hardly be called 'acting' in any sense of the word - but that is hardly surprising from this talentless lump with a big mouth. There was far too much of him in this film
Hopefully we won't be seeing his smarmy face in any other movies or on television ever again - but perhaps that is hoping for too much.
The other actors were brilliant and really embraced the typically British comic element of the film.
If you like Corden (goodness knows why) then you may like this film. otherwise it is definitely worth spending your time watching something else.
This here was quite the fun and impressive vampire comedy. One of the better features here is the fact that this one really works with plenty of great work here with the narration and backstory featured here which sets this off on a great note. The opening backstory about the vampires hunting and tormenting the village, which not only goes a long way with the visuals of the girls attacking others and the swordfight itself being good enough but tying that into the curse and how they carries gives this a solid formation for this one. The more modern-day scenes that showcase the effects of this, from the group arriving at the cottage in the woods with the introduction of the local legend and how they start getting picked off one-by-one around the cottage is quite a great deal of fun with the rather chilling abductions coming to pass at bringing those connections to the forefront. Other great scenarios here include the first encounter with the group having their orgy in the woods where they get chased back inside leads to other spectacular attempts inside which give the film a great sense of atmosphere and chilling set-ups with the battle against his turned girlfriend in the bedroom as well as the rather silly battle in the bathroom that's all given a rather nice energy. As well, that energy carries over into the big finale in the graveyard where the vampires appear in their fog- enshrouded setting and giant stone altars which serves as the perfect lead-ins to the action-packed fighting here with all the small encounters throughout the woods while dealing with the fine resurrection and battle there along with the big final brawl with the queen which is just a great deal of fun and really makes this quite a thoroughly enjoyable blast with the film mixing the chilling location with frantic action and silly comedy that's quite funny. That as well is the film's other great part in this as there's a remarkably light, silly air to it that comes from the light-hearted plot and endless rounds of jokes fired off while still making it creepy enough for a believable horror villain to be present as it is here, and when given a thorough dose of fun with the sleaze and nudity on display really make for a grand time here. There's only one real flaw that holds this back, which is the film's time-honored tradition of not really providing the villagers enough of a reason to go along with the curse. Rather than insinuate that they were cursed as well in order to force her plans to eventually come to fruition, there's not much else to this one to keep it in that particular set-up here and it just seems like a weak story point. The cheese and goofiness might put some off but otherwise it's not the main issue here.
Rated R: Extreme Graphic Violence, Extreme Graphic Language, Full Nudity, several sexual scenes and drug use.
Lesbian Vampire Killers is of course intended to be a spoof of gross-out horror movies, so it's difficult to criticise it too much for the pathetic attempts at creating fearful vampirical lesbians.
So it's a good job that plenty of room is allowed for Corden to deliver a series of moderately amusing one-liners such as "Even dead women'd sooner sleep with each other than get with me it would appear." Unfortunately, by the climax, the comedy is well and truly exhausted and the movie really creaks at the seams as the heroes go about defeating the vampire queen by means of a phallus-handled sword.
"Lesbian Vampire Killers" is essentially "Carmilla" adapted for the New Lad generation. The heroes, Fletch and Jimmy, played by comedians James Corden and Matthew Horne, are a pair of unlikely lads from London who spend most of their time obsessing about beer, football and girls. And in Jimmy's case about his on/off relationship with his sluttish girlfriend Judy. It's generally "off" when Judy wants to dump Jimmy for another man, then "on" again when she discovers the other man isn't interested. Fletch and Jimmy decide to go away on holiday together, but lacking the cash for a foreign vacation decide to go hiking in England, and settle upon the Norfolk village of Cragwich.
This is not the best choice they could have made. An ancient curse, cast in the Middle Ages by the vampire queen Carmilla, means that, upon reaching her eighteenth birthday, every girl in Cragwich turns into a lesbian vampire. This phenomenon which seems to have gone quite unnoticed by the outside world, except in Germany; Fletch and Jimmy meet four attractive German students who have come to Cragwich to study its ancient legend. They also learn, from the local vicar, of an ancient prophecy which states that Carmilla will rise again from the dead and that she can only be slain by the last descendant of the Clan McLaren, which just happens to be Jimmy. (It was a McLaren who was responsible for slaying Carmilla in her previous incarnation; the Clan McLaren were, of course, originally from the Scottish Highlands, not from Norfolk, but this is not a film which places a high premium on factual accuracy). Le Fanu probably intended the name "Carmilla" to be pronounced with a long vowel in the first syllable, but here the pronunciation is generally closer to "Camilla". Perhaps this was a comment on the less-than-popular wife of our current heir to the throne.
While watching the film it struck me that the phrase "lesbian vampire killers" is triply ambiguous in that it can be interpreted in three different ways, namely (1) lesbians who kill vampires, (2) lesbian vampires who kill and (3) people who kill lesbian vampires. The producers, however, presumably intended it to be taken in the third of these senses as the initially reluctant Jimmy and Fletch take to killing as many vampires as they can, aided by Lotte (one of the tourists) and the Vicar (played by former Doctor Who Paul McGann), before Britain and the whole world are overrun by a plague of lesbian vampires. On the other hand, the title may also cover the second of the three above meanings, as the vampires themselves can certainly be pretty lethal.
The film was not popular with the critics, and it doesn't seem too popular with some reviewers on this board either. Reading some of the one-star reviews, generally written from a position of jaw-dropping political correctness, was like wading through a "Guardian" women's-page editorial from the 1970s. Of course, the idea of lesbians as blood- sucking vampires would be horribly bigoted and misogynistic if it were to be taken seriously, but the one thing you cannot do with a film like this is to take anything about it seriously. The whole thing is a spoof from start to finish, a sort of cinematic equivalent of "Viz" magazine. (McGann's foul-mouthed Vicar particularly put me in mind of a "Viz" character). I would have described it as a parody of those old Hammer films from the sixties and seventies, of which "The Vampire Lovers" is a prime example, were it not for the fact that many of those films contain a strong element of self-parody. Certainly, it is not for everyone; those inclined to take life too seriously will loathe it, and anyone averse to bawdy humour or bad language would be well-advised to give it a wide berth. It is no "Citizen Kane", but most other people will find it amusing piece of entertainment, especially if watched late at night. 5/10
When Jimmy (Mathew Horne)is again dumped by his girlfriend, he and his best mate Fletch (James Corden) go on a hiking holiday in the country. At the local village they are directed to a cottage where there is free lodgings. The house also happens to have a camper van full of girls staying in the house as well.
However in this small village, all girls that turn 18 become lesbian vampires, thanks to a curse from the lesbian vampire queen. Inevitably Jimmy and Fletch excitement to spend time with the hot girls is soon curtailed as they are turning into vampires and under attack.
This is a post modern wind up which featured the then popular television duo of Corden and Horne. Their participation ensured enough of a budget for better production values and special effects which actually goes toe to toe with more expensive Hollywood horror films. Some of the humour is infantile but it will raise a laugh here and there. There is some sassiness with the girls and blood is replaced by white goop. Its fun enough and the movie does not outstay its welcome.
I don't understand what some people were expecting going to see a movie called "Lesbian Vampire Killers". You know you ain't getting high drama. You are getting Lesbian vampires and killing, and this movie had all of them. Corden and Horne were funny, the women were attractive (especially Emer Kenny as Rebecca) and there were some laughs were to be had too.
This movie is a B-movie and it revels in it. It has fun with it or at least as much stupidity as they could bear. The two guys don't have much star power but at least they have the same patheticness as their characters. The hot girls are hot. The story don't necessarily make sense, but that doesn't matter. MyAnna Buring has the charisma of the group. Sometimes the stupidity even gets to be funny. It's a lot of goo splattering, and over the top violence. It's better than expected, but still not recommendable.
The story is yet another borrowing of J. Sheridan LeFanus' "Carmilla", as the ancient vampire queen Carmilla (Silvia Colloca) and her many minions face off against easygoing duo Jimmy (Mathew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden). Also along for the ride are a quintet of hottie college students, including the adorable MyAnna Buring ("The Descent") as the appealing Lotte. Lending valuable exposition and dedication is the determined Vicar (Paul McGann, who's pretty bad ass).
As this plays out, one can hardly fail to notice that this works as a spoofing of Hammer horror period pieces, and it also quotes "Dracula", "An American Werewolf in London", and Ed Woods' oeuvre. It's lively, striking, well designed and lit entertainment with atmosphere to spare. It goes for the gross out a lot, but instead of blood spattering all over the place, the filmmakers go more for slime, pus, and the like. The actors play things as straight as is necessary, and Horne and Corden are a reasonably engaging pair even if they're no Pegg and Frost. McGann is fun as the heroic Vicar with the foul mouth; Colloca is a delicious villainess.
The movie is never terribly funny but it still may engender some smiles on the part of the audience. It ain't "Shaun of the Dead", but it ain't bad, either. It's stylish throughout and begins and ends with a flourish.
Seven out of 10.
If you find "gags" about "bumming", "ponces" and "hot d+kes" amusing then you won't be disappointed. It's full of them.
The film's really got nothing to commend it - if you don't like James Corden, this won't be the film to change your mind. He basically reprises his role as Smithy in Gavin and Stacey - right down to the robotic dancing. Matt Horne does slightly better with terrible material to work with and the less said about the vampires the better. They won't be getting into RADA based on these performances and accents.
The script writers seem to be under the impression that sticking a swearword into a line of dialogue somehow makes it amusing. It doesn't.
So, don't waste 80 minutes of your life!
The acting in superb in this master piece, the gags are ever lasting with some memorable quotes that will forever exist in the English literature. But it does not end there, with the storyline demonstrating the bond that is felt between two friends on a quest and the loyalty that one must always hold true to their bro. To put this movie into comparison, one needn't look further then The Omen to see that it is everything that is this "horror", only better with more cock swords.
Anyone who refuses to watch this at a movie night, even though the votes are for it and the people voting against it have been proved to have poor judgment and a lack of humanity, should move to Frankston so as to join the uneducated in ignorance and inbred herpes.
One might say I'm exaggerating, but how to justify that the fat coward boy has the idea of filling condoms with holy water to throw at the vampires?
The only girl who is saved is the virgin who wears more clothes.
This film is a synthesis of practices that Bram Dijkstra calls therapeutic rape. The girls who show their sensuality are all punished by symbolic phalluses.
It's very disappointing that a film for young men educates them with such a disgusting mentality.
Questionable taste jokes complete a movie whose veiled message is that sexy women are dangerous.
If it were not my professional duty, I would never had wasted my time watching this pure garbage.
Jimmy, whose girlfriend once again cheated on him, and his best buddy, Fletch, who thinks only about one thing, decide to take a vacation of sorts with no money to wherever a dart on a map will land. It takes them to some remote English village. The strange locals offer free booze and free stay at some cottage farther away from the bar.
As luck would have it a bunch of attractive girls are also staying there and the guys run into them. But the area is also stalked by lesbian vampires who are trying to resurrect their vampire queen. Jimmy is the descendant of a vampire slaying knight and the girl he's interested in is a virgin. The vampires need both of their blood to resurrect the queen.
On the trail of the vampires is a vicar who's daughter turns 18 that day. Legend has it that the vampires turn all the girls in the town on their 18th birthday. Fletch who despite his best attempts is unlucky with girls will join the Vicar to fight the vampires who have captured Jimmy and the rest of the girls.
Vampire Killers is a great light-hearted and funny movie. It has attractive girls, a bit but not enough nudity, likable characters, and a lot of humor. I wasn't expecting much from this movie but it turned out to be high quality with convincing acting, decent effects, good story, and it was funnier than most "funny" movies around.
Presumably this was supposed to be a homage to some Morecambe and Wise farce with lashings of low-budget Hammer Horror thrown in for good measure.
What we find is a cast struggling with below par dialogue and a script that must have seemed funny down the pub over a gallon or two of high-strength lager.
Horne and McGann (what was Paul McGann thinking?) try their best with inadequate plotting and dire fight choreography and despite some passable cinematography, James Corden manages to drag this almost passable farce into a grave where it should have remained buried, playing "Smiffy" all over again.
I watched all six episodes of Horne and Corden expecting it to get better - it didn't; and this is even worse. Die hard fans will, doubtless overlook the film's weakness and have a good chuckle. Good luck to them.
Everyone else (and producers in particular would do well to take note) that success in one genre does not necessarily travel to others. Gavin and Stacey was romantic, charming and occasionally laugh-out-loud funny.
No wonder our film industry is in such a state.
The "plot", if you can call it that, appears to have been written on the back of a beermat with as little insight as possible: two good-for-nothing blokes go on holiday to Norfolk (not that you'll recognise it) and fall foul of an ancient curse involving lesbian vampires. In fact, the plot was written around the title, but if you're hoping for a cheesy, blood-soaked B-movie in the vein of FROM DUSK TILL DAWN or TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, then you're going to be disappointed.
There's barely any nudity and the decision was made to have the vampire blood white instead of red, so any would-be splatter scenes are completely awful. Add in a bunch of models with hopeless acting and the kind of embarrassing computer effects that lace modern episodes of DOCTOR WHO, and you have a film which relies on the script to work. And work it could have, if the script had allowed for genuine laughs and warmth.
It doesn't. This is 'comedy' of the lowest common denominator, obsessed with dick and boob gags and without an ounce of wit anywhere to be seen. I tend to avoid modern comedy for a reason, and the supremely unfunny James Corden is precisely that reason. What makes it all the worse is that this guy thinks he's genuinely witty and amusing, when in fact most viewers will want to bash his head in with a shovel the second he appears on screen. Given the amount of screen time devoted to this guy, watching LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS is a cinematic equivalent of hell on Earth.
There isn't much else to report. Horne is less irritating, but that's purely because he's playing the straight man to Corden's so-called 'gags'. The actresses are terrible in the extreme, and what Paul McGann is doing in this mess is anyone's guess – it's even worse than Queen of the Damned. It's also worse than Beyond the Rave, worse than the terrible Fred Olen Ray vampire skinflicks, worse than anything else that springs to mind. For a genuine lesbian vampire film, you could do worse than Hammer's THE VAMPIRE LOVERS to banish this travesty from your memory.
This film was more disappointing than I'd expected; the only chuckle I had was when Fletch pushed a large-breasted vampire into a shower while the vicar blessed the water and was left holding a pair of implants. James Corden and Mathew Horne play Fletch and Jimmy; they are better known from their TV comedy and that might be why several scenes felt like they were sketches from a TV comedy. As for the lesbian vampires; they just seemed to wave their arms about a bit so if you were hoping for some mild titillation as compensation for the lack of laughs and scares you'll probable be disappointed. I wouldn't bother watching this unless you can't sleep and it is on late night television.
With all these deceptions, how we, spectators, are supposed to keep watching? The writers must do something to make the film work and involve the audience, it's not just putting some people out of nowhere saying stupid things and people will think it's good. Don't even bother!
The director knows his genre trappings. Sometimes, he revels in the clichés (funny though), sometimes he subverts them. The dialogue although not the cleverest out there was fine and did the job. I was disappointed that the very well introduced "country" girls vanished so quickly from the movie (except one), yet their respective exits were surprising and funny. I liked the hapless buddies/reluctant heroes, especially the big guy who was juvenile-minded yet comically egotistical and self-conscious. His performance seemed a bit forced sometimes though (witness his laugh in the grave). The stand-out for me though was the vicar who had the required gravitas, perfect diction and an impressive presence. Of course, one should not forget the lesbian vampires who looked and acted the part although none were really developed psychologically... A few french kisses, a couple of breasts (in the flashbacks mostly), lots of diaphanous dresses but nothing extreme or even soft-core (fortunately or not depending on your tastes :). As for gore, it's mostly white goop instead of red blood and played for (slightly) disgusting comical effect. LBK is the perfect b-movie to rent and watch with a couple of like-minded friends. It delivers everything the title promises and more. The production values and directing are also better than you might expect from such a low-budget film.
Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very good)
I rented this out of pure curiosity, due to the titling itself. I really didn't expect much for a film of this nature, and I pretty much got what I bargained for. It's nothing downright horrible, but nothing overly amusing either. It tries so hard to follow in the vain of Shaun of the Dead, but it doesn't have the laughs or the talent to accomplish that feat. The characters themselves aren't very intriguing, and it really only gained steam for me in the final 35 minutes or so.
Bottom line. Mediocre sums up the word for this movie perfectly. Don't remember much about it, don't really care too. Worth a look I guess, but it's vastly forgettable.
4 ½ /10
When you name your movie "Lesbian Vampire Killers" the only thing you can be certain of is that you have a 1% chance of being a classic. At best you will have an amusing and (hate the word) quirky 80 minutes, at worst you will have yet another sh***y movie, only with a catchy title.
I'll get my obvious whinge out early, the movie revolves around a skinny guy who has a dysfunctional relationship with his on/off girlfriend, and his fat useless mate, who in this case has just been sacked.
Remind you of anything? It is exactly the same set up for Shaun of the Dead, only that was done far better and exceeded any and all expectations. Also both flicks are British so it is impossible that they weren't aware of SotD, surely switching up the formula just a little?
For what it's worth the story goes the town of Cragwich is subject to an ancient vampiric curse which turns every girl in the village into a lesbian vampire when they turn 18, if your town simply must be cursed you could do worse as a bloke.
Sure enough Jimmy (skinny – recently dumped) and Fletch (fat – recently sacked) decide to randomly visit the town to get away from it all. Once they get to the town they visit the local bar and are directed down to an empty cabin down the road, as they hear there are some hot chicks also on the way they decide not to look a gift horse in the mouth and get moving.
Sure enough they hook up with the four hot Folklore students, who for some reason take a shine to a fat idiot and a skinny nerdish looking fellow, and they are just getting somewhere when they are beset on all sides by drum roll please Lesbian Vampires.
Here's where it gets silly(er), it turns out that there is a prophecy (of course), which involves a sword, virgin blood, Jimmy being "the one", and the Queen vampire called Carmella being raised from the dead, and so on and so forth. It's all quite irrelevant really, the movie is all SotD, "From Dusk till Dawn" with dashes of Army of Darkness and some stoogery in between.
At least the cast know it ain't Shakespeare and treat the material as such, all the while vampires explode into massive streams of pasty goo and Fletch tries every joke in the book (and mostly fails). The vampires are all suitably hot, with strategically placed billowy outfits or shadows 90% of the time, it's a bit like watching scrambled porn (I would imagine).
The finale is just silly, vampires swaying and pretending that they are being warded off or fearsome depending on what is being waved at them, and the good guys trying to act humorous and at least sorta scared.
If you're a guy, and the title suggests anything to you aside from instant derision, you're gonna watch this at some point, which when you think of it is a spark of genius by the film-makers. You already know without checking any reviews that the forecast calls for largely terrible with a chance of boobie, and really for most guys that should be enough.
I've now obviously seen it and written about it, and I guarantee I'd be hard pressed in a week or so to tell you anything about this movie than what is largely different from the title, it's a throwaway movie but as such does it's job well.
The one thing I could do without was the persistent vaguely homophobic jokes along the lines of "I'm worried I'll get bummed", I lost count at about 6 attempts at such "comedy" through the pic. I don't even particularly care about the jokes, they are more stupid than offensive, it's just lazy on the writer's part to even think for a second that they were laugh out loud funny, (and if they are I missed the point entirely).
Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. It's shlocky, tacky and mostly terrible, but at 75 minutes it's over quick. Better with friends present so you can at least share in the B-movie bad/goodness.
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