- Michael Scott: Let's face it. Most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels. And to be wearing see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.
- Michael Scott: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela a heart and for Kelly a brain. "Michael. How can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.
- Dwight Schrute: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
- Dwight Schrute: This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras, as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know what you're thinking: Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
- Pam Beesley: Phallus?
- Dwight Schrute: Phyllis. Sorry. I've got penises on the brain.
- Karen Filippelli: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.
- Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything.
- Karen Filippelli: I'm saying that you're being sexist.
- Michael Scott: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
- Karen Filippelli: That's the same thing.
- Phyllis Lapin: Michael.
- Michael Scott: Yes.
- Phyllis Lapin: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.
- Michael Scott: Because... That was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
- Angela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.
- Michael Scott: I have to know whether you're serious or not.
- Pam Beesly: I don't often miss Roy, but I can tell you one thing. I wish someone flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to see Jim's... I'm... I am saying a lot of things.
- Michael Scott: My point is... A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
- Dwight Schrute: "Alien."
- [makes monster noise]
- Angela: Sometimes the clothes at the GapKids are just too flashy. So, I am forced to go to American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.
- Michael Scott: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
- Meredith Palmer: I don't remember doing that!
- Angela: What a surprise.
- Karen Filippelli: Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? "Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding one-quarter inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute." This is ridiculous.
- Dwight Schrute: Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
- Karen Filippelli: Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting.
- Dwight Schrute: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
- Michael Scott: [Michael has just finished writing a pros and cons list about Jan] Done.
- Pam Beesley: Read the pros first.
- Michael Scott: Ok, Jan is smart, uh, successful, good clothes, hot, perfect skin, nice butt.
- Phyllis Lapin: She does have very nice clothes.
- Karen Filippelli: Ok, ok, uhm... cons.
- Michael Scott: Cons: wears too much make up; breasts, not anything to write home about, insecure about body, I'm unhappy when I'm with her, flat-chested...
- Pam Beesley: What was the last one?
- Michael Scott: She's totally flat, shrunken chesticles.
- Phyllis Lapin: No, the one before that.
- Michael Scott: I'm unhappy when I'm with her.
- Pam Beesley: [pause] Michael, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
- Michael Scott: I'm happy sometimes. Uhm... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex.
- Karen Filippelli: Look, most relationships have their rough patches, you just have to push through it sometimes.
- Michael Scott: Man, that's smart.
- Pam Beesley: Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other.
- Michael Scott: That sounds good too.
- [Pam and Karen look at each other, and the latter acts uncomfortable]
- Michael Scott: I don't know who's right. I just, I don't know. I don't know.
- Phyllis Lapin: I bet you know, don't think, just answer, what you wanna do about Jan?
- Michael Scott: I wanna break up with Jan.
- [Realizes his answer]
- Michael Scott: Wow! I wanna break up with Jan.
- Phyllis Lapin: [Everybody smiles] My mom taught me that.
- Jim Halpert: [after he's been given a demerit] Like, what does a demerit mean?
- Dwight Schrute: Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
- Jim Halpert: Lay it on me.
- Dwight Schrute: Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.
- Jim Halpert: Now, that sounds serious.
- Dwight Schrute: Oh, it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that will land you in a world of hurt, in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
- Jim Halpert: Which would be me.
- Dwight Schrute: That is correct.
- Jim Halpert: Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full dessaggelation.
- Dwight Schrute: What's a dis... What's that?
- Jim Halpert: Oh, you don't want to know.
- Pam Beesly: Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.
- Michael Scott: Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing.
- [pause]
- Michael Scott: I don't know, maybe we're different people, I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex.
- Pam Beesly: Oh my God.
- Michael Scott: Argh... and then watching it back right afterwards to improve my form.
- Karen Filippelli: That is not healthy behaviour.
- Michael Scott: No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.
- Pam Beesly: Michael, you need to get out of this.
- Michael Scott: No, she's just fooling around. It's a woman thing.
- Pam Beesly: No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad.
- [There's a short pause and then Michael starts crying]
- Michael Scott: Phyllis, you say? Hmm.
- [suppressed laugher]
- Angela: What is so funny?
- Michael Scott: Um... I mean, did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?
- Kevin Malone: [looks at Karen's butt] I'm guessing not.
- Michael Scott: Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy.
- Karen Filippelli: It's a pretty common one.
- Michael Scott: I just - I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.