Dwight Schrute: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
Michael Scott: Let's face it. Most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels. And to be wearing see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.
Michael Scott: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela a heart and for Kelly a brain. "Michael. How can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.
Jim Halpert: [after he's been given a demerit] Like, what does a demerit mean?
Dwight Schrute: Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim Halpert: Lay it on me.
Dwight Schrute: Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.
Jim Halpert: Now, that sounds serious.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that will land you in a world of hurt, in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim Halpert: Which would be me.
Dwight Schrute: That is correct.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full dessaggelation.
Dwight Schrute: What's a dis... What's that?
Jim Halpert: Oh, you don't want to know.
Pam Beesly: I don't often miss Roy, but I can tell you one thing. I wish someone flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to see Jim's... I'm... I am saying a lot of things.
Dwight Schrute: This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras, as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know what you're thinking: Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
Pam Beesley: Phallus?
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis. Sorry. I've got penises on the brain.
Karen Filippelli: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.
Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything.
Karen Filippelli: I'm saying that you're being sexist.
Michael Scott: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Karen Filippelli: That's the same thing.
Phyllis Lapin: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Phyllis Lapin: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.
Michael Scott: Because... That was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Angela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.
Michael Scott: I have to know whether you're serious or not.
Michael Scott: My point is... A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight Schrute: "Alien."
[makes monster noise]
Karen Filippelli: Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? "Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding one-quarter inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute." This is ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
Karen Filippelli: Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting.
Dwight Schrute: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
Meredith Palmer: I don't remember doing that!
Angela: What a surprise.