Homer: Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?
Todd Flanders: Mr. Simpson, why did you hurt the dollies?
Homer: Well, son, your uncle Homer is like 80% of Americans: hopped up on prescription drugs.
Rod Flanders: But users are losers.
Homer: You're confusing drugs with "druuuugs!"
Lisa: Why do you listen to this magazine? It's a Larry Flint publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can't. I won't!
Bart: Why am I sleeping, when next door is every kid's dream? A fat, easily susceptible zombie dad.
[Homer is under the effects of a sleeping pill]
Bart: Hey, zombie. Want to come outside and play?
Homer: Zombie kill.
Bart: No, play.
Homer: Zombie file grievance.
Homer: I can't wait for my first fire. Is that one?
Lisa: That's just someone barbecueing.
Homer: Oh. Is that one?
Bart: That's just a guy with red hair.
Lisa: I've read that people do strange things in their sleep when they've taken Ambien... I mean Nappien.
Homer: Marge, when next you see me, I'll be a soggy, smokey hero. Mmm. Soggy, smokey hero.
Marge: Just come back alive, okay?
Homer: Don't tell me how to do my job.
Homer: [after the dog gives Maggie his squeaky toy] Good job, boy. As a reward, we're going to treat your heart murmur, and not just see how it goes.
Marge: I'm sorry, Maggie, but growing up means giving up the things you love.
Grampa: It's true. I had to give up everything but raisins, and the doctor says even those are killing me. Sweet, plump coffin nails they are.
Homer: We're not thieves. We're scavengers. Like the beautiful vulture, the heroic tapeworm, and America's sweetheart, the maggot.
Mayor Quimby: Your sense of civic duty, and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are the only training you need or shall ever receive.
Homer: Are you a travel agent? Because you're sending me on a guilt trip.
Homer: Look at me! I'm stealing five Segways at once. And speaking of segueways, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity.