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Train
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Reviews & Ratings for
Train More at IMDbPro »

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38 out of 50 people found the following review useful:

How can one writer mess up this big??

1/10
Author: dschmeding from Germany
20 August 2009

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

"Train" has to be one of the most ridiculous movies ever. The script is such a mess that you can't count the illogical moments and plot holes. First of all it is an obvious "Hostel"-Ripoff... a group of wrestlers goes to Russia for a wrestling contests and drops off for a party in a Russian town which causes them to split with their group and miss their train. From here on you can replace the hostel with a train and the Snuff-fun with organ-reaping. Guess what, they get on a train after a "nice" lady helps them since no one speaks English (of course) and they don't know a word Russian (which helps when being in Russia) and soon some real strange Russian guys turn up while one after the other of the wrestlers goes missing. You get some pretty graphic torture-scenes, mostly shot in the dark and with the typical modern gritty style but the best part is.... exactly that makes no sense when you have a train in your plot with doctors who harvest organs to sell. What we learn off this movie is: - if you harvest organs, keep your victims alive while doing it and pummel them with knuckle dusters and pee on them when capturing them - when removing organs, just tear them out... eyes can be ripped out with funny instruments in one move, hearts are best taken out after sawing open the living victims chest and then looking for treasures with your bare hands... oh yes, and the cut- off penis sure also was of use for some one. - a grown males torn out eyes are best transplanted to an 8year old boy. - Russian thugs are damn evil (partly they look like Lord of the Rings Characters) and powerful... when your heroine hides under the train they just push the train with their incredible Russian power, just to get an axe into the torso for their effort - When you are left in a Russian village, all your friends are dead and a strange mass of people walks through the dark just follow them - Russian thugs look like bears but move like cats, so you never hear them crawling up behind you (about 10 times in the movie), especially not when you are standing in the middle of an empty bridge. - if you aim for modern horror audiences graphic torture and repeated raw punches into womens faces seem to be some kind of recipe for success - when you blow up a train on a bridge and leave a thug on the rails, the part of the train you disconnected miraculously disappears so the thug can be overrun by another train for dramatic effect - if you are lost somewhere in the Russian hills in a country where you cannot communicate... you just return home to the USA, so the lazy director does not have to make up more ridiculous ideas. - if you want to quit wrestling to be a doctor and you live through a gory nightmare like this its just logical that you continue wrestling with a pretty Russian new haircut

I have rarely seen a movie with so many plot-holes and idiotic situations while obviously having some budget and known actors (BTW... the parts where Thora Birch breaks out of heroine character and shows emotions are a mess) and being a totally calculated cash-off on the torture-porn hype. With movies like this you need your directors license revoked for a hundred reasons and its a shame that movies like "Train" are paid for while hundreds of good scripts will never be made into movies. Stay away, far away from this.

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25 out of 33 people found the following review useful:

Never mind the movie, feel the splatter

2/10
Author: mattbaxter72 from United Kingdom
28 November 2009

Torture porn is a really overused description, one that tends to be slapped onto anything with a bit of blood and guts which the reviewer didn't like very much. Hostel, for example, is nothing like it; it has a storyline, characters, even a bit of subtext going on there. Real porn is where the splatter has no reason to exist, there are no actual characters, and no plot other than to get us from one splatter scene to the next. Train is genuine torture porn.

Oh, sure, there is an attempt at a plot, but not one that makes any sense. Organ harvesters - on a train? Rumbling through the middle of nowhere, taking out bits of bodies by yanking at them until the connecting tissue snaps? Harvesting tongues, penises, and other not-exactly-transplantable organs? The whole movie is just an excuse to show some graphic, very nasty scenes of dismemberment, shot in leering close-up, and anything else - character, plot, dialogue - is perfunctory at best. The script feels like it was written on the back of a cigarette packet, no one behaves in a remotely sensible way - 'oh look, here's a locked door with copious blood-stains in front of it, let's find out what's behind it by STEPPING OUT OF A MOVING TRAIN AND SMASHING A WINDOW FROM THE OUTSIDE. What school do these kids go to, James Bond High School? Let me say again - I've got no objection to graphic splatter, so long as there's some point to it. If there's no worthwhile story, no reason for the gore to exist, you have porn. This movie, in other words. A nasty, degrading experience made by stupid people who probably think they're pushing some boundary or other. You're not, guys. You're just stringing together a bunch of random scenes of people being chopped up. Well done.

Just one thing before I go - what the hell happened to Thora Birch? Between this and Deadline (also unbelievably awful, though with less people having their skin cut off), is she aiming to be the new Cuba Gooding Jr or something? Please, Thora, fire your agent and start doing actual movies again. Pretty please?

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16 out of 20 people found the following review useful:

Hostel meets Touristas

4/10
Author: doctorgonzo23 from Canada
17 December 2009

Not exactly sure what I was expecting with this one. I figured, hey, Thora Birch is in this, it can't be ALL bad. A bunch of American kids traveling around in a train getting terrorized in some fashion... sounds watchable. Unfortunately, I was not satisfied.

If my comment title hasn't tipped you off yet, you're in for an hour and a half of equal parts torture porn and survival horror. There's nothing new here and no worth while twists to raise this movie above (or even up to the level of) many similar genre pictures. It seems to meas if all the horror directors have tired of setting their pictures in the rural south, invariably populated with crazed backwoods cannibals and have instead focused on semi-fictional demonic visions of Eastern Europe populated by depraved butchers for hire. The acting is flat and the characters are so unlikeable (not to mention the lack of definition or development) you just can't muster any emotional ties. You won't even find yourself rooting for the bad guy here... you just won't care.

There is one facet of the movie that does seem to shine though. Love it or hate it, the gore in this film is so over the top and just down right rotten and visceral that it will produce a response. The camera does not flinch away... ever. I guess we're all just too complacent as horror fans these days. Gore like this used to be able to carry a film on the merits of the blood spilled alone, as the super bloody extreme cinema was relatively rare, often found only in hard core Asian productions. Now, every movie you watch seems to be teeming with so much of it that we as fans are beginning to demand more than just a slasher guts fest.

There are so many cool horror movies out there that invest their time and effort in delivering more in terms of originality. Unless you're curious, I would seek out something with more depth.

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31 out of 53 people found the following review useful:

Not bad at all....just completely horrible!

1/10
Author: Jon Death from United States
5 September 2009

Yes, hit the villain once, lay him out and instead of grabbing one of many weapons he used to torture and mutilate your dearest friend, run away and abandon the living.

This movie is really weak. It's basically a less creative version of Hostel and Touristas that takes place on a train in the Ukraine or Czech Republic...basically the edge of Europe. Most the acting is pretty lousy and a couple of the "college" athlete characters look over 30 years old pushing 40. Even if you like slasher films, it's no fun when victims borderline volunteer to be tortured and mutilated.

Thora Birch must not have read the script or they really needed the money. I suspect Gideon Raff is another one of these talentless Europeans that the American film studios will finance simply because he's European and will charm them with an accent then deliver absolute failure.

Avoid this movie, it's a prime example as to why so many people are just stealing movies rather than renting or buying them. If we're to pay for crap like this then at the very least give us some nudity that's actually worth looking at.

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21 out of 34 people found the following review useful:

dumb senseless torture porn void

1/10
Author: pankuleczka from Poland. Cracow
1 February 2010

Oh my god, i don't know where to start. You finish this movie and you feel empty. Feel like someone stole you an hour and a half and gave nothing in return. I - as a matter of fact - feel angry. Have you seen Hostel or Touristas? Then there's literally NOTHING that will surprise you in this pile of crap. The filmmakers should be sued for plagiarism. All of the characters are two dimensional, underwritten, unlikable and act stupid as hell. One time they have one of the villains on the floor, he's slow like a freaking drugged mule that fell into a swamp, there's FOUR of our "heroes" (ok, two of them kinda disabled), plenty of tools around and what do they do? Run away. That's right, leave those two and yell terrified "there's no time!". I laughed out loud in disbelief. I've seen it before, but never, EVER, executed that badly before. In that moment i gave up rooting anybody. Just die, please, all of you. End this farce. Honorable mention: use of stock sounds. Gave me more laughter. That's how you identify quality movie. Use the most generic stock sounds.

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8 out of 11 people found the following review useful:

Why did I finish this?

3/10
Author: Matt_Layden from Canada
20 December 2012

Americans go on a train in Europe that ends up being their last ride.

That's this film summed up in one sentence, one boring sentence that actually is more entertaining than the film. This is Hostel meets Turistas on a train. How many times have we seen good-looking Americans (ugly ones never travel) that somehow get caught up in some sick plot about killing for for money, organ harvesting, teaching lessons, etc. These films seem like ANTI-TRAVEL ads, if you leave the states, you're going to die.

The film doesn't bother with a plot, it simply needs to get characters for the slaughter in specific locations so bad guys can do harmful things to them. Films like these are basically an excuse to showcase gore, just like a film such as 2012 is made to showcase special effects. So how do you judge a film that is simply about cutting people up? You judge it on how well they accomplish that, how creative it can be and if it made you squirm. Does Train do any of these things?

Well, characters are beaten, urinated on, cut open, stabbed, castrated, etc. So there is no real creativity going on here. People are simply chained up and then cut open for the most part. Train manages to fall into the horror clichés that have plagued the genre like a sickness. Let's take a look:

1. Characters have a chance to escape, but don't? Check. 2. Characters have a weapon, drop it and leave it instead of using it? Check. 3. Characters give away passports/I.D. to strangers in other country just because? Check. 4. Characters go back to save someone who cannot be saved? Check. 5. Characters have opportunity to kill attacker, but instead choose to simply injure then run away? CHECK.

This film had me rolling my eyes so much I hurt my eyeballs.

Train is a flick you can miss, it adds nothing to the genre in terms of suspense, thrills, gore, entertainment, anything. It will anger you, frustrate you, cause you to rip your hair out. All these things and more!!!!

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10 out of 15 people found the following review useful:

Little more than another forgettable 'torture porn' flick

4/10
Author: davideo-2 from United Kingdom
16 May 2010

STAR RATING: ***** Saturday Night **** Friday Night *** Friday Morning ** Sunday Night * Monday Morning

A group of young American athletes head to Germany to compete in a grappling competition, with mixed success. However, a mix up at the railway station compromises their trip home, leaving them stranded...until a mysterious woman offers them all a trip back on her luxury carriage. They are struck by the hospitality...only to find as the journey progresses, they are on a train of psychopaths who want their organs and will stop at nothing to get them.

Train probably forwent it's right to a cinema release on these shores for appearing so generic and predictable. Take a typical bunch of obnoxious American teens (the only one I could make out of any of them being Thora Birch) place them in a plot eerily similar to Hostel and then, add the even more common denominator today of being a typical 'torture porn' flick where the emphasis is far more on blood and gore than genuine scares. And indeed, the film never achieves anything resembling a claustrophobic air of tension or terror, just a stumbling stutter from one clunky set up to the next. Not surprising, given the plot line is so far fetched and implausible from the off set. Nonetheless, it could have managed as a genuinely creepy and atmospheric film...but by selling out and being just another of the many bottom of the barrel 'torture porn' flicks that you could forget about as easy as that. **

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7 out of 10 people found the following review useful:

thoroughly unpleasant

3/10
Author: MisterWhiplash from United States
6 March 2011

I probably should have known this was going to be, or at least akin to being, "torture porn", or the gratuitous slicing and dicing of people without any of the suspense, but I didn't expect this low-rent movie starring Thora Birch to be just so unpleasant, in its style and mood and its delivery. It doesn't help that the cast mostly looks like the understudies of other actors (that one guy is a dead ringer for Denis Leary, another one for European Cameron Diaz) and none of them can act very well (Birch, of course, being a master thespian of under-acting if that's possible). But any moment that a suspenseful walking/creeping around should work it doesn't, and any moment that we're supposed to be icked or frightened by the next gashing-out of blood is just stupid in its excessiveness.

It also doesn't help at all that the logic is twisted; there's a train that kidnaps unwitting people into using their bodies on the black market, okay, I'll bite, maybe it's like Taken on a Train (ho-ho). Even then there's little thought put into it; they're organ-removers basically- a little like the people in Hostel only providing a "service" albeit extremely criminal and psychopathic and with some of the usual big galuts in tandem. But what about what's usually done with organ removing and transplanting like, I don't know, a CLEAN ROOM! It's one thing to be evil East-Euro organ removers, it's another thing to be incompetent while doing it.

Also, the ending is one of the lamest in modern cinematic memory, even if it's straight-to-video. There's little to recommend about it except for a few (unintentional) laughs early on before the Olympic team gets on the train and parties down at an overly-red-lit nightclub.

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6 out of 10 people found the following review useful:

If you liked hostel you will like this film!

6/10
Author: cliff-201 from Spain
2 April 2011

At the beginning of the film i felt like i had seen it a dozen times before, the usual ensemble of college students and a couple of teachers...you know!

However within a very short space of time i was drawn into the storyline of the film, and there actually is a plot to follow!

I hadn't read anything about the film before i watched it so spent most off the film saying "No way!" mostly quite shocked at the content of the film and the implications of the plot...

I don't want to write any spoilers so let me say that it is a thriller/horror well worth seeing and anyone who liked a film like Hostel will like this one too and enjoy it...i did:-)

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11 out of 20 people found the following review useful:

Train (2008)

2/10
Author: morrigan1982 from Greece
11 September 2009

I like B-movies and most of them I find entertaining. They make some sense and they make me laugh some times, but this movie didn't make any sense at all. I like gore, but I also like to understand what is happening. Maybe the idea was not so bad; the script though didn’t make much sense. Trapped in a train with a bunch of crazy people and they can not help them selves at all. Why? They are athletes. They couldn’t do some damage? Not even something small? They could use sooo many stuff as weapons but they prefer to run and let themselves get caught. When you see what will happen to you if you get caught and you know that you will suffer a lot before you die, wouldn’t you prefer to jump off the train? Than at least you will have a chance of survival? I won’t even start about a bunch of other stuff that just weren’t right because than I would spoil it for those brave souls who will see it. The acting was bad. The director… made me dizzy! Why should you take a shot up side down in a movie like this? It is not about art when it comes to this film. Art has nothing to do with it. Poor choice of shots. Maybe it could be better. We will never know. But the result was so bad. I would not waste my time if I where you. “Hostel” was great, I loved it. This is not “Hostel” and it has a little to do with it. Some ideas you might find them the same. But I fail to see the resemblance.

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