- [first lines]
- Myra: [Charlie wakes up cuddled next to Judith's future sister-in-law] Thinking of chewing your arm off?
- Charlie Harper: What? No! No! No! Why would I do that?
- Myra: I don't know. Maybe because you're not horny any more and you just remembered I'm staying through the weekend?
- Alan Harper: [Jake is annoyed because he had to sleep in his father's bed and his father kept getting out of bed to pee] Okay. One of those was to get a glass of water.
- Jake Harper: Well, there's your problem! Stop topping off the tank!
- Alan Harper: [to Charlie] You just could not control yourself! "A female's in the house! She must be mounted!"
- Alan Harper: [Charlie wonders why Alan is upset] I will tell you why. Because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!
- Berta: [to Charlie] I know you. Myra's not one of your handi-wipes in high heels that you can just throw out after you... wipe your handi.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah? Well, you don't know what you're talking about, because this relationship is not based on sex.
- Berta: Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?
- Alan Harper: [scrubbing Jake's tuxedo pants] What is this, candle wax? How do you get candle wax on the seat of your pants?
- Jake Harper: I don't know!
- Alan Harper: You don't know?
- Jake Harper: Okay. I might've lit a couple of farts.
- Alan Harper: And now that Judith's finally getting remarried and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide, "Hey! Why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law?"
- Charlie Harper: That is *not* how it happened!
- Alan Harper: I don't care *how* it happened! I only care how it's going to end, and it's going to end badly for *me*!
- Charlie Harper: How? Explain how.
- Charlie Harper: [near hysterics] I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun, trying to guess how *your* penis is going to bite *me* in the *ass*!
- Charlie Harper: Normally, at this point in the relationship, I'm busy plotting the appropriate exit strategy.
- Berta: [to Charlie] What is it you always say about going to a wedding with a woman you're sleeping with? You say, and I quote, "Better I should light myself on fire and run through a meth lab!"