Jim Halpert: [Jim sits at his desk, dressed like Dwight] Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.
Dwight Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim Halpert: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."
Dwight Schrute: Bears do not... What is going on? What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: [in confessional] Last week, I was in a drugstore, and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble, and that is a grand total of $11.
Dwight Schrute: [Back at their desks] You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you.
[Jim takes a bobblehead doll out of his suitcase and sets it on his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim Halpert: [imitating Dwight] Michael!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!
[Dwight comes in dressed as Jim as revenge]
Dwight Schrute: Pam.
[drums on her desk]
Pam Beesly: [amused] Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight Schrute: [scoffs] I look like an idiot!
[goes over to his desk]
Dwight Schrute: He, Karen.
[flattens his hair to make it more like Jim's]
Karen Filippelli: Hey, Dwight. Looking sharp.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, that's 'cause I'm your boyfriend, Jim Halpert.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Karen. Wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse 'cause you're my girlfriend?
Jim Halpert: [looks at Karen] Do you?
Karen Filippelli: No. I'm good. Thanks.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
[Dwight imitates Jim's expressions; Jim is impressed]
Jim Halpert: Look at that.
Dwight Schrute: I'm Jim Halpert.
Jim Halpert: Spot on.
Dwight Schrute: [makes some more faces and mumbles] A little comment.
Customer: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau!
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, I'm calling the Ungrateful Biatch Hotline!
Michael Scott: Andy, you go.
Andy Bernard: [in a British accent] William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
Michael Scott: No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!
[Andy has just found out his girlfriend is a high school student]
Andy Bernard: [horrified] Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert: Oh, *my* God.
Andy Bernard: I had no idea!
Jim Halpert: [grinning] Well, that's not gonna hold up in court.
Andy Bernard: We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Dwight Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
Creed Bratton: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man.
Andy Bernard: [in Andy's car] Beer me.
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Andy Bernard: Hand me that water.
[Jim does so]
Andy Bernard: I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh, like, a quarter of the time.
Michael Scott: The watermark, it's a one-time thing.
Barbara Allen: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight Schrute: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Kelly Kapoor: [singing to the tune of "Hollaback Girl"] This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! This day is bananas! B-A-N-A...
Angela Martin: [cut to Angela taking some aspirin] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.
Andy Bernard: So, Tuna, when we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?
Jim Halpert: Did that really need to be said?
Michael Scott: You have one day.
Pam Beesly: One day for what?
Michael Scott: They always give an ultimatum.