Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)
[Zack and Delaney are having a conversation]
Customer: Hi, can I have a coffee? Black?
Delaney: Can't you see we talking, White?
Zack Brown: I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker!
Miriam Linky: Dude... that's really dirty.
Zack Brown: That's too dirty?
Miriam Linky: That offends me.
Zack Brown: Penis?
Miriam Linky: Fine.
Zack Brown: I'm gonna fuck you with my penis!
Zack Brown: I don't mean to alarm you... but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
Miriam Linky: The Dutch Rudder?
Zack Brown: Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
Miriam Linky: If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
Zack Brown: Good. I'm getting tired of fuckin' a fleshlight.
Miriam Linky: [laughing] You fucked it?
Zack Brown: Yeah.
Miriam Linky: What'd it feel like?
Zack Brown: ...fucking a flashlight.
Zack Brown: [imagining Miri in a porn film] Oh, my God, yeah.
Miriam Linky: What? You got an idea?
Zack Brown: We could make a porno.
Miriam Linky: Not the idea I was lookin' for.
Zack Brown: What? No, that is a fuckin' awesome idea. Are you shitting me? That guy, Brandon St. Randy, Bobby Long's boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.
Miriam Linky: If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?
Zack Brown: Because other people have options - and dignity - which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position!
Zack Brown: What brings you here?
Brandon: I came here with somebody who went to school here, Bobby Long.
Zack Brown: No shit! That's who my friend's hitting on right now! See, right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana.
Brandon: In L.A. we call that look 'Nickelodeon Chique'.
Zack Brown: Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man, what do you do out there?
Brandon: I'm an actor.
Zack Brown: Wow! That's really impressive.
Brandon: Thank you.
Zack Brown: Fucking movies?
Brandon: Fucking movies. Pretty much.
Zack Brown: Look at you! Anything I've seen? What movies?
Brandon: Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
Zack Brown: All-male casts? Like "Glengarry Glen Ross"? Like that?
Brandon: Like "Glen and Gary suck Ross's meaty cock and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth."
Zack Brown: [stunned] ... is that like a sequel?
Brandon: Sort of. It's a reimagining.
Zack Brown: Oh, like "The Wiz".
Brandon: More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.
Zack Brown: I apologize in advance if I'm out of line here, but are you in gay porn?
Brandon: Guilty as charged.
Miriam Linky: Nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack!
Zack: EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donell getting fucked stupid" I'd be like "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?"
Brandon: I thought you recognized me from my work, but you're not my demographic so I'm not offended.
Zack: Well, who's your demographic?
Brandon: Do you like pussy?
Brandon: Then not you.
Zack Brown: Hello, Miriam.
Miriam Linky: Beat it, we're talking.
Zack Brown: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
Zack Brown: Bobby's boyfriend.
Miriam Linky: Bobby who?
Bobby Long: Bobby me.
Zack Brown: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?
Brandon: "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."
Zack Brown: That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
Miriam Linky: Are you fucking with me?
Zack Brown: [amused] No, they're fucking with each other.
Delaney: What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!
Zack Brown: What's your name?
Lester: Lester. Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff.
Zack Brown: Wow. That's a great porn name.
Lester: I get to pick a porn name? Then I want to be called Pete Jones.
[later seen on the DVD cover of "Swallow My Cockuccino" spelt as "Pete Jonze"]
Brandon: [to Bobby] I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness.
Zack Brown: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom?
Miriam Linky: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it.
Zack Brown: No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver!
Zack: That's what porn is: turning the normal into abnormal, by fucking it!
Mr. Surya: [to Zack and Delaney] I hate you ebony and ivory motherfuckers!
Writer of Titles: [At the end of the titles] Christ, I spend way too much time on the internet.
Zack Brown: Editor and DP, looks like you got your shit covered.
Deacon: Do not say 'shit covered' to me again.
Zack Brown: Oh you'll be sorry when I'm giving you the best orgasms of your life.
Miriam Linky: Yeah right. As if you even know what you're doing down there.
Zack Brown: Where's the clitoris again? Is it in your ass?
Miriam Linky: What happened to the water?
Zack Brown: I guess they musta shut it off...
Miriam Linky: Help me get this shit outta my hair! Just use the water outta the toilet!
Zack Brown: There's poo in there...
Miriam Linky: The back part of the toilet!
[after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face]
Deacon: Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!
Miriam Linky: [Seeing that Zack shaved his beard] Your face! I don't think I've seen your face since senior year.
Zack Brown: I think I made a mistake. I did it for you, you know, so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene... but I shoulda asked first. I look like a fuckin' Balooga Whale.
Zack Brown: This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.
Miriam Linky: Return of the Brown Eye.
Deacon: The Phantom Man Ass.
Delaney: And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter.
Zack Brown: ...okay.
Delaney: Revenge of the Shit, you got it?
Miriam Linky: No, yeah we got it.
Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.
Zack Brown: I've known her since the first grade, you don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.
Delaney: Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack Brown: But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.
Zack: We are gonna launch arcing ropes of jism all over this motherfucker! Peace!
Zack Brown: Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild? That guy's the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world and he has a jet and a fucking island!
Zack Brown: If you heard that someone we graduated with was in a fucking porno movie, you'd watch it, right? I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock. I just met him!
Zack Brown: You don't wanna fuck a stranger in a porn movie for some strange reason. I guess we could fuck.
Miriam Linky: Ew
Zack Brown: Fuck you.
Miriam Linky: No I mean you're an okay enough looking guy and everything.
Zack Brown: Holy fuck thank you. You're an alright looking gal how does that feel?
Delaney: Sometimes, we just need someone to show us something we can't see for ourselves.
Teen #1: [recording Miri undressing, revealing "granny panties"] Those are fucking granny panties!
Zack: [Zack blocks the view with his ass, then sticks his thumb up it] Sorry guys, am I in the way?
Teen #2: You're a fucking faggot, alright?
Teen #1: Let's go to Starbucks, this guy's a shitty barista anyways.
[throws a cup at the teens]
Teen #1: And he throws like a bitch!
Zack: You know what else I've thrown, my nutsack in your coffee so how'd that taste, fuckers?
Teen #2: We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget!
Zack: Well too bad, she's not my girlfriend you little fuck -
Zack: oh, they're gone.
Delaney: [after Zack leaving the set] Can you believe this shit?
Deacon: [after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face] Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!
Zack Brown: [suggesting porn titles] Fuckback Mountain!
Miriam Linky: [makes a face]
Zack Brown: Too soon?
Lester: I even tried to talk her into givin' me the fuckin' Dutch Rudder... shot me down on that, too.
Zack Brown: And a Dutch Rudder is...?
Lester: You don't know what a Dutch Rudder - alright, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm, I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm... now work it. Work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? It's like somebody else is jerking you off.
Miriam Linky: So... I guess we should do this.
Zack Brown: I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
Miriam Linky: Stop it. You look good.
Zack Brown: Thanks.
Miriam Linky: So... what about me? How do I look?
Zack Brown: I mean, you look beautiful - you always look... so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you... you look amazing.
Miriam Linky: [grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno!
Zack Brown: I'm a guy. You give me a two popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it like a filthy MacGyver!
Drunk Customer: [is waiting for his coffee, and notices Stacey's breasts] Oh. Hey.
Stacey: [awkwardly] Hey.
Brandon: I can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry.
Bobby Long: You've had one too many cosmos.
Brandon: You know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack.
Zack Brown: [suggesting a porn title] Star Sex II: The Wrath of Cunt.
Miriam Linky: We never made Star Sex I.
Zack Brown: I guess we can skip Star Sex III: The Search for Cock, then.
[Zack has a new idea]
Zack Brown: Cocunt!
Miriam Linky: What's that?
Zack Brown: It's like Cocoon. With a cunt!
[Miri looks at him and laughs uncomfortably]
Roxanne: Don't ever get married. It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and you run out of shit to talk about after the first year.
Miriam Linky: [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend] You're gay?
Bobby Long: Yeah.
Miriam Linky: [to Brandon] And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper?
Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha!
Miriam Linky: [to Zack] I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.
Zack Brown: Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
Brandon: Oh, like crazy.
Zack Brown: Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. OK? You'll have one in your living room. You'll have one in your bathroom!
Delaney: One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
Zack Brown: Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit! I'm gonna make that happen for you, man.
Brandon: [fighting with Bobby] The reason... the reason you haven't taken me home to your mother is... your mother with her makeup and her drinking, she's... she's in the closet too!
Zack: They fight just like *real* people!
Lester: [acting in the porno] I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night... 'cos I'm in the mood to fuck!
[after the first night's shooting]
Zack: Hey, how'd it look?
Deacon: How do you think it looked? It looked like shit going into other shit - in focus.
Zack: [to Miri] What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto I think, "Shit going into other shit".
Bobby Long: This is exactly why you haven't met my mother! Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time!
Brandon: Baby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself! I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth!
Zack Brown: [to himself] This is the best night of my life.
Brandon: Am I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long!
Zack Brown: Fucking A!
Brandon: Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.
Zack Brown: [in awe] They fight just like real people...
Brandon: Oh my god... no!
Miriam Linky: What?
Brandon: Granny Panties?
Miriam Linky: Excuse me?
Brandon: This is so crazy! I was literally just watching you like right before we got here! This is you, right?
[pulls out his iPhone and shows a YouTube clip of Miri in a changing room wearing big underwear. The narrator says "My name's Granny Panties and nobody wants to fuck me! Nothing's whiter then my big gay ass."]
Miriam Linky: [Miri gasps in horror]
Zack Brown: Where'd you get that?
Brandon: Oh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous!
Miriam Linky: [to Bobby] You're gay?
Bobby Long: [apologetically] Yeah...
Miriam Linky: And I'm the internet wearing... a diaper?
Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburg and meet a celebrity?
Miriam Linky: I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out now.
Zack: Wow, D.P. and editor. You have your shit covered.
Deacon: Please don't ever say "shit covered" to me again.
Lester: [after Zack and Miri's passionate scene has ended] Way to fuck, Zack!
Zack Brown: [to Brandon and Bobby] So, you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
Brandon: Oh, like crazy.
Lester: Hey Stacey. You like dogs?
Stacey: Yeah. Especially pocket dogs.
Lester: Oh. I really liked porking you. It made my dick feel good.
Stacey: Me too. Except for the dick part because I don't have one but the good part.
Lester: Cool. Well, see ya.
Delaney: [to Mr. Surya] You Ben Kingsley looking motherfucker