The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Jordan Belfort: Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I've been a poor man, and I've been a rich man. And I choose rich every fucking time.
Jordan Belfort: My name is Jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.
Jordan Belfort: I fucked her brains out... for eleven seconds.
Jordan Belfort: On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome.
Jordan Belfort: You want a beer, pal?
Donnie Azoff: What are you drinkin'?
Jordan Belfort: I got this non-alcoholic shit...
Donnie Azoff: What's that?
Jordan Belfort: It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.
Donnie Azoff: It's a beer?
Jordan Belfort: Yeah, with no alcohol.
Donnie Azoff: But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you fucked up?
Jordan Belfort: No, there's no alcohol. That's the fuckin' point.
Donnie Azoff: I'm not a scientist; I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I can get you beer if you want fuckin' beer.
Jordan Belfort: I know, but I don't drink, remember? I don't drink anymore?
Donnie Azoff: What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of baking powder, baking soda? Can't imagine ever not enjoying getting fucked up. I love it.
Jordan Belfort: Yeah...
Donnie Azoff: How's being sober?
Jordan Belfort: It fuckin' sucks.
Donnie Azoff: Boring, right?
Jordan Belfort: So boring. I'm gonna kill myself.
Mark Hanna: You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?
Jordan Belfort: Do I jerk off? Yeah.
Mark Hanna: How many times a week?
Jordan Belfort: Like um... three, three or four times maybe.
Mark Hanna: All right, pump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least... twice a day.
Jordan Belfort: Wow.
Jordan Belfort: People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.
Jordan Belfort: Is she like, a first cousin?
Donnie Azoff: Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.
Mark Hanna: The name of the game, moving the money from the client's pocket to your pocket.
Jordan Belfort: But if you can make your clients money at the same time it's advantageous to everyone, correct?
Mark Hanna: No.
Max Belfort: $430,000 in one month, Jordy. huh?
Jordan Belfort: They're business expenses.
Max Belfort: Jordy, look what you've got here. Look at this! $26,000 for one dinner.
Jordan Belfort: No, no, this can be explained. Dad, we had clients, Pfizer clients. champagne.
Nicky Koskoff: The porterhouse from Argentina.
Jordan Belfort: Expensive champagne and the what, we had to buy champagne.
Jordan Belfort: And you brought in all the sides tell him about the sides.
Donnie Azoff: I ordered the sides, so...
Max Belfort: Sides? Sides? $26,000 worth of sides? What are these sides? They cure cancer?
Donnie Azoff: The sides did cure cancer, that's the problem, that's why they were expensive.
Jordan Belfort: [bursting into laughter] Shut the fuck up!
Donnie Azoff: I'm serious.
Patrick Denham: Let me give you some legal advice: Shut the fuck up!
Jordan Belfort: Her pussy was like heroine to me. And it wasn't just about the sex either. Naomi and I got along. I mean, we had similar interests and shit.
Jordan Belfort: [holding his child] Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?
Naomi Lapaglia: Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.
Jordan Belfort: Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!
Naomi Lapaglia: Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.
Jordan Belfort: Yeah?
Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah.
Naomi Lapaglia: [pushes him away with her legs] But no touching.
Jordan Belfort: Oh, gosh.
Jordan Belfort: [Wakes up on plane; finds he is restrained by a seatbelt across his chest] Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie this isn't... this isn't funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.
Donnie Azoff: I can't untie you! The captain tied you up, he almost fuckin' tasered you!
Jordan Belfort: Why?
Donnie Azoff: Why? You were, like, screaming at people. You were on the floor rollin' around and shit.
Jordan Belfort: Oh, Jesus.
Donnie Azoff: You called the captain the n-word.
Jordan Belfort: I called the captain the n-word?
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, he was very upset.
Jordan Belfort: Really?
Donnie Azoff: Luckily we're in first class. Jesus Christ. I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.
Jordan Belfort: [to the waiter] Oh, I'm good with water for now.
Mark Hanna: It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.
Donnie Azoff: I'll tell you what: I'm never eating at Benihana again. I don't care whose birthday it is.
Donnie Azoff: How much money you make?
Jordan Belfort: U$70,000.00 last month.
Donnie Azoff: Get the fuck outta here!
Jordan Belfort: Well technically, U$72,000.00 last month.
Donnie Azoff: You show me a pay stub for U$72,000.00, I quit my job right now and work for you.
[later, on the phone]
Donnie Azoff: Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey listen, I quit!
Jordan Belfort: I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.
Donnie Azoff: Shit with me?
Jordan Belfort: You know, just... people say shit. I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.
Donnie Azoff: What do they say?
Jordan Belfort: Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...
Donnie Azoff: No... it's not like that. It's not like that.
Jordan Belfort: You know what I mean? Like you married your cousin or some stupid shit, you know?
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife... yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever. But it's not like what you think or whatever, you know...
Jordan Belfort: Is she like a... first cousin, or is she...
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, no. She... you know, her... her father is the... is the brother of my mom.
Jordan Belfort: Mhm.
Donnie Azoff: It's not like... Look. We grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know. She fuckin' grew up hot and all of my friends were trying to fuck her, you know, and I wasn't... I'm not gonna let someone, you know, one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I, you know, used the cousin thing as like... like an in with her. I'm not gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone is gonna fuck my cousin it's gonna be me, out of... out of respect, you know?
Jordan Belfort: No, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're not afraid of like the whole kid thing, right? Like the whole...
Donnie Azoff: What, if the kid's retarded?
Jordan Belfort: Yeah.
Donnie Azoff: No, we have two kids.
Jordan Belfort: And they're... I mean, I don't want to get personal or anything, but are they okay?
Donnie Azoff: No, they're not retarded or anything like that...
Jordan Belfort: But there's a big chance, right? The whole...
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, there's like a 60 percent, you know... 60, 65 percent chance the kid's gonna be fuckin' retarded or whatever...
Jordan Belfort: That'd scare the shit out of me, buddy.
Donnie Azoff: Look, man... a lot of having a kid or whatever takes risk, whether you're fuckin' cousins or not, you know...
Jordan Belfort: What if... what if you... I mean, what if something like that happened?
Donnie Azoff: Well, basically, you know, if the kid was retarded I would... I would, you know, drive it up to the country and just like, you know, open the door and let it... say "You're free now!" You know? Like, "Run free!" You know?
Naomi Lapaglia: Who's Venice?
Jordan Belfort: Who? Who?
Naomi Lapaglia: Who? Who? What are you, a fuckin' owl?
Jordan Belfort: [throwing money at the FBI agents] Fun coupons!
Jordan Belfort: Oh my God! You had to deal with the Golf Course people too! What a greek tragedy! Honey oh my God!, you probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden, and actually had to do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day? Huh? Cause I can't keep track of your professions honey! Last month you were a wine connoisseur, and now you're an aspiring landscape architect, Isn't that right?
Naomi Lapaglia: Fuck you!
Jordan Belfort: Don't you dare throw that fucking water on me! Don't you fucking dare!
Jordan Belfort: This right here is the land of opportunity. This is America. This is my home! The show goes on!
[quoting Norma Rae]
Jordan Belfort: They're gonna need to send in the National Guard to take me out, cos I ain't going nowhere!
Jordan Belfort: The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely fucking not. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.
Dwayne: If you sell $10,000 worth of stock, I'll give you a blowjob.
Jordan Belfort: [in thoughts] What I'm asking, you Swiss dick, is are you going to fuck me over?
Jean Jacques Saurel: [also in thoughts] I understand perfectly, you American shit,
Jean Jacques Saurel: Ça depend.
Jordan Belfort: Ça depend on what exactly?
Jean Jacques Saurel: Whether America plans to invade Switzerland in the upcoming months.
Patrick Denham: Most of the Wall Street jackasses I bust are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you... you, Jordan, got this way all on your own.
Jordan Belfort: Did I?
Patrick Denham: Good for you, little man.
Jordan Belfort: Me, the little man?
Patrick Denham: Let me tell you something else. This is one of the nicest boats I'd ever been on. I gotta tell ya.
Jordan Belfort: I bet it is.
Patrick Denham: Hey, you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The hero I'm going to be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this boat.
Jordan Belfort: [laughing] Alright, get the fuck off my boat. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable, ugly wives.
Donnie Azoff: I check my messages every day when I come home from work... my answering machine... zero! I got a blinkling light because I don't have shit from you. I got my wife... I got my wife checking the messages every forty-five minutes calling the office saying. "Has Brad apologized yet? Is there an apology message on the machine?" I don't have jack-shit. You know what? That's not how you treat people.
Brad: You gotta be a fucking pal... You know what, I'm gonna give you a fucking pass, just give me the case.
Donnie Azoff: You're gonna give me a pass?
Brad: Look, it's a figure of fucking speech, just give me the fucking...
Donnie Azoff: Oh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people lauding and raping? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?
Jordan Belfort: Sell me this pen.
Brad: Write me your name on this napkin.
Jordan Belfort: I can't, I don't have a pen.
Brad: There you go, it's a matter of supply and demand.
Naomi Lapaglia: Did you just cum?
Jordan Belfort: Oh yeah. I just came. Did you? Did you cum?
Naomi Lapaglia: No.
Jordan Belfort: No? OK. I'm still hard. Just give me a second.
Naomi Lapaglia: Sure.
Nicholas the Butler: Oh! Hey! Is it Wednesday already?
Jordan Belfort: She designs women's panties too? Oh, my God!
Donnie Azoff: Jesus Christ, I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.
Jordan Belfort: Where are the 'ludes'?
Donnie Azoff: They're up my ass. Don't worry about it, I got it.
Jordan Belfort: [sigh of relief] Thank God.
Jordan Belfort: My wife, Naomi, the Duchess of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. A former model and Miller Lite girl. Yeah. She was the one with my cock in her mouth in the Ferrari, so put your dick back in your pants.
Mark Hanna: OK, first rule of Wall Street - Nobody - and I don't care if you're Warren Buffet or Jimmy Buffet - nobody knows if a stock is going up, down or f-ing sideways, least of all stockbrokers. But we have to pretend we know.
Patrick Denham: I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.
Jordan Belfort: I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable ugly fuckin' wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.
Jordan Belfort: See those little black boxes? They're called telephones. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about these telephones. They're not gonna dial themselves. Okay? Without you, they're just worthless hunks of plastic. Like a loaded M16 without a trained marine to pull the trigger.
Jordan Belfort: Donnie and I were going out on our own. And the first thing we needed was brokers. Guys with Sales experience. So I recruited some of my home town boys. Sea Otter, who sold meat and weed. Chester, who sold tires and weed. And Robbie, who sold anything he can get his hands on, mostly Weed. This is Brad, and Brad is the guy i really wanted. But he didn't go along with us. He was making so much money selling Quaaludes that he become the Quaalude King of Bayside.
Jordan Belfort: [when asked who is Captain Ahab] The book, motherfucker, the book!
Donnie Azoff: Jordan, it's fucking good, right? It's fucked up.
Jordan Belfort: GET OFF THE PHONE! GET OFF THE PHONE! FBI!
Donnie Azoff: [laughing] I'm on the phone!
Donnie Azoff: I got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.
Brad: You'll give me a call?
Donnie Azoff: When it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.
Chantalle: Well, we don't work for you, man!
Donnie Azoff: Sweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Technically, you do work for me.
Jordan Belfort: So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on you credit card bills? Good, pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich!
Donnie Azoff: [peeing on his subpoena] Fuck you, U.S.A. Fuck you, U.S.A. Fuck you! Fuck you!
Donnie Azoff: [Donnie was pretending to be drunk] It was a joke! I'm sober. It's a fucking joke.
Brad: Are you fucking stupid?
Mark Hanna: Nobody knows if a stock is going to go up, down, sideways or in circles. You know what a Fugazi is?"
Jordan Belfort: Fugazi, it's a fake.
Mark Hanna: Fugazi, Fugazi. It's a wazy. It's a woozie. It's fairy dust.
Donnie Azoff: Whoa! Did you just try to kiss me, bro?
Donnie Azoff: You dress like shit, so fuck you!
Jordan Belfort: OOH! Jesus!
Brad: How do you like that? Who's the faggot now?
Jordan Belfort: You okay? Hey pal.
Jordan Belfort: I'm not ashamed to admit it: my first time in prison, I was terrified. For a moment, I had forgotten I lived in a world where everything was for sale. Wouldn't you like to know how to sell it?
Jordan Belfort: This is the greatest company in the world!
Jordan Belfort: [Fuorious about newspaper article] Look at this! The wolf of Wall Street they call me! Look!
Teresa Petrillo: Your hair looks good.
Mark Hanna: I want to jerk off - but that's not why I do it. I do it because I NEED to.
Mark Hanna: So if you've got a client who bought stock at 8 and now it's at 16 and he's all fucking happy, he wants to cash in and liquidate, take his fucking money and run home, you don't let him do that... 'cause that would make it real.
Mark Hanna: You jerk off? How many times a week do you jerk off?
Jordan Belfort: Yeah, yeah I jerk off. Uh, I don't know like 2, 3 times a week?
Mark Hanna: Ok, you're going to want to raise those numbers. You're in the fucking minor leagues. Me, I jack it 12-15 times a week. Twice a day. Once in the morning after I work out, once after lunch. If you don't do it, the stress of this job, it'll make you explode. Or worse, you'll implode. You don't wanna implode.
Jordan Belfort: [in an ad] The world of investing can be a jungle. Bulls. Bears. Danger at every turn. That's why we at Stratton Oakmont pride ourselves on being the best. Trained professionals to guide you through the financial wilderness. Stratton Oakmont. Stability. Integrity. Pride.
Leah Belfort: Risk is what keeps us young, isn't it, darling?
Jordan Belfort: Everybody needs something.
Alden Kupferberg: Nah, Amish and Buddhists don't need a thing.
Jordan Belfort: I'm not talking about Amish and Buddhists, I'm talking about ordinary blue-collar people who want to get rich and own stuff!
Jordan Belfort: Even though I own 85% of Steve Cocksucking Motherfucking Madden Shoes, the shares were in his fucking name!
Max Belfort: [hears a phone] Who the fuck has the goddamn gall to call this house on a Tuesday night? God damn it!
Leah Belfort: [watching TV] You're going to miss it!
Max Belfort: Tell me something I don't know, I wait all week for the fucking Equalizer and they have to fucking...
[picks up the phone]
Max Belfort: [calmly, in a transatlantic accent] Jean? How are you, Jean?... Righto, Jean, I'll get on it!... Cheerio!
Max Belfort: [explodes] Fucking half-wit!
Max Belfort: This is obscene!
Jordan Belfort: I was obscene, in the real world. But who the fuck wanted to live there?
Jordan Belfort: You wanna know what money sounds like? Go to a trading floor on wall street. Fuck this, shit that. Cunt, cock, asshole. I couldn't believe how these guys talked to each other! I was hooked in seconds. It was like mainlining adrenelin.
Donnie Azoff: [masturbates to Naomi] Perfect...
Jordan Belfort: Donnie, what the fuck are you doing you piece of shit?
[beats down Donnie]
Jordan Belfort: [to Naomi] You have to excuse my friend.
Jordan Belfort: [on getting arrested] I'm sober for two years, stopped my drugs, settled down with my wife and kids, and then this happens! Rugrat gets busted down in Miami, and guess who happens to be with him? Saurel! That's right, out of all the Swiss bankers in Miami, it had to be him! Even more fucked, is that he got busted for shit that had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me! Some stuff about running drugs with Rocky Aoki, you know, the founder of Benihana? Benihana... Beni-fucking-hana? BENI-FUCKING-HANA? WHY? WHY, GOD? Why would You be so cruel as to use the king of Japanese restaurants to take me down?
Leah Belfort: [after shipwreck] The nice thing about being rescued by Italians is that they feed you, make you drink red wine, then you get to dance.
Donnie Azoff: [raves at Brad] You're gonna knock whose fucking teeth in? Whose fucking teeth are you gonna knock in? I put the money on that fucking table, not you!
Jordan Belfort: He's got a gun you fucking idiot!
Donnie Azoff: Fuck his gun!