Sherlock Holmes (2009)
Sherlock Holmes: And chambermaids were once such a liberal breed.
Constable Clark: My wife's a chambermaid, sir.
Constable Clark: Anyhow, it's a good thing she was offended, sir. Otherwise we'd never have found you.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
[more uncomfortable silence]
Constable Clark: Just joking about the wife, sir.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah!
Irene Adler: Why are you always so suspicious?
Sherlock Holmes: Should I answer chronologically or alphabetically?
Sherlock Holmes: You have the grand gift of silence, Watson; it makes you quite invaluable as a companion.
[Watson punches him in the face]
Dr. John Watson: [Holmes points his violin bow at Watson] Get that out of my face.
Sherlock Holmes: It's not in your face, it's in my hand.
Dr. John Watson: Get what's in your hand out of my face.
Sherlock Holmes: [to Watson] Never theorize before you have data. Invariably, you end up twisting facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.
Sherlock Holmes: You've never complained about my methods before.
Dr. John Watson: I'm not complaining.
Sherlock Holmes: You're not? What do you call this?
Dr. John Watson: I never complain! How am I complaining? When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?
Sherlock Holmes: Uh, we have a barter system...
Dr. John Watson: When have I ever complained about you setting fire to my rooms?
Sherlock Holmes: Our rooms...
Dr. John Watson: The rooms! Or, or, the fact that you experiment on my dog?
Sherlock Holmes: Our dog...
Dr. John Watson: The dog!
Sherlock Holmes: Gladstone is our dog!
Sherlock Holmes: [voice-over] Head cocked to the left, partial deafness in ear: first point of attack. Two: throat; paralyze vocal chords, stop scream. Three: got to be a heavy drinker, floating rib to the liver. Four: finally, drag in left leg, fist to patella. Summary prognosis: unconscious in ninety seconds, martial efficacy quarter of an hour at best. Full faculty recovery: unlikely.
Dr. John Watson: You've been in this room for two weeks, I insist you have to get out.
Sherlock Holmes: There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on Earth, at all.
Dr. John Watson: So you're free this evening?
Sherlock Holmes: Absolutely.
Dr. John Watson: Dinner?
Sherlock Holmes: Wonderful.
Dr. John Watson: The Royale?
Sherlock Holmes: My favorite.
Dr. John Watson: Mary's coming.
Sherlock Holmes: Not available.
Dr. John Watson: You're meeting her, Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes: Have you proposed yet?
Dr. John Watson: No, I haven't found the right ring.
Sherlock Holmes: Then it's not official.
Dr. John Watson: It's happening. Whether you like it or not, 8:30, the Royale. Wear a jacket!
Sherlock Holmes: *You* wear a jacket.
Inspector Lestrade: You know, in another life, you'd have made an excellent criminal.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, and you, sir, an excellent policeman.
Sir Thomas: Mr. Holmes, apologies for summoning you like this. I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are, and who I am...
Sherlock Holmes: As to where I am, I was, admittedly, lost for a moment, between Charing Cross and Holborn, but I was saved by the bread shop on Saffron Hill. The only baker to use a certain French glaze on their loaves - a Brittany sage. After that, the carriage forked left, then right, and then the tell-tale bump at the Fleet Conduit. And as to who you are, that took every ounce of my not-inconsiderable experience. The letters on your desk were addressed to a Sir Thomas Rotherham. Lord Chief Justice, that would be the official title. Who you *really* are is, of course, another matter entirely. Judging by the sacred ox on your ring, you're the secret head of the Temple of the Four Orders in whose headquarters we now sit, located on the northwest corner of St. James Square, I think. As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all.
Sir Thomas: [recovering as best he can] Yes, well... standard procedure, I suppose.
[in a bare-knuckle boxing match, Holmes sees Irene and tries to forfeit and leave]
Sherlock Holmes: That's it, big man. You've won, congratulations.
McMurdo: Oi, we ain't done yet!
[He spits at the back of Holmes's head. Holmes stops]
Sherlock Holmes: [voice-over] This mustn't register on an emotional level...
[in slow motion]
Sherlock Holmes: First, distract target...
[Holmes flicks a handerchief in front of his opponent's face]
Sherlock Holmes: Then block his blind jab, counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate.
[Holmes claps his hands over his opponent's ears]
Sherlock Holmes: Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block, and body shot. Block feral left, weaken right jaw, now fracture.
[a cross to the jaw fractures the bone]
Sherlock Holmes: Break cracked ribs, traumatize solar plexus, dislocate jaw entirely.
[Two more body blows, and a right hook to the jaw hinge]
Sherlock Holmes: Heel kick to diaphragm...
[Holmes finishes with a heel kick to his opponent's chest, sending him crashing out of the ring]
Sherlock Holmes: In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm haemmorraging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized.
[Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then does all of the foregoing in about six seconds, and kicks McMurdo out of the ring]
[Watson and Mary enter Baker Street to find Holmes hanging from a noose]
Dr. John Watson: Don't worry, dear. Suicide is not in his repertoire. He's far too fond of himself for that.
[pokes Holmes sharply]
Dr. John Watson: Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes: [wakes up] Oh, good afternoon. I was attempting to determine the means by which Blackwood survived his execution - clearing your good name, as it were - but it had a surprisingly soporific effect, and I found myself carried off into the arms of Morpheus like a caterpillar in a cocoon.
Sherlock Holmes: Good afternoon, dear.
Dr. John Watson: Get on with it, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, cleverly concealed in the hangman's knot was a hook... oh, my, I think my legs have fallen asleep. I should probably come down.
Mary Morstan: John, shouldn't we help him down?
Dr. John Watson: No, no, I hate to cut him off mid-stream. Carry on.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, the executioner attached it to a harness which allowed the weight to be distributed around the waist and the neck to remain intact. Oh, lord, I can't feel my cheeks. Might we continue this at ground level?
Dr. John Watson: How did you manage it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: I managed it with braces, belts and a coat-hook. Please, Watson, my tongue is going, soon I'll be of no use to you at all.
Dr. John Watson: Worse things could happen.
Dr. John Watson: [to Holmes, about Irene] Why is the only woman you've cared about a world class criminal? Are you a masochist?
Sherlock Holmes: It's a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!
Dr. John Watson: What of Mary?
Palm Reader: M for Mary. For marriage. Oh, you will be married!
Dr. John Watson: [nodding his head slowly] Go on.
Palm Reader: [looking intensely at Watson's palm] Oh, I see pattern tablecloth and... Oh, china figurines and... Ugh! Lace doilies!
Sherlock Holmes: [pretending to be deep in thought] Mmm... Doilies!
Dr. John Watson: Lace... doilies? Holmes! Does your depravity know no bounds?
Sherlock Holmes: No!
Palm Reader: [continuing her prophecies about Mary] Oh, then she turns fat and, ugh, she has a beard and...
Sherlock Holmes: What of the warts?
Palm Reader: Ah, she's covered in warts!
Dr. John Watson: [interrupting the palm reader] Enough, enough!
Sherlock Holmes: Are they extensive?
Dr. John Watson: Please, enough!
Sherlock Holmes: There is a toxin, refined from the nectar of the rhododendron ponticum. It's quite infamous in the region of Turkey bordering the Black Sea for its ability to induce an apparently mortal paralysis. Enough to deceive even a medical mind as tenacious and well-trained as yours. It's known locally as...
Mary Morstan: [noticing] What's wrong with Gladstone?
Sherlock Holmes: ...mad honey disease. Oh, he's just demonstrating the very effect I've just described. He doesn't mind.
Sherlock Holmes: My journey took me some what further down the rabbit hole than I intended and though I dirtied my fluffy white tail I have emerged, enlightened.
Sherlock Holmes: My mind rebels at stagnation! Give me problems! Give me work!
Sherlock Holmes: What of the coffin, Lestrade?
Inspector Lestrade: Well, we are in the process of bringing it up.
[Holmes looks at the unmoving constables]
Sherlock Holmes: Indeed? What stage of the process? Contemplative?
Lord Coward: How terrible is wisdom, when it brings no profit to the wise.
Dr. John Watson: You really believe he was resurrected?
Sherlock Holmes: The question is not if but how. The game's afoot.
Dr. John Watson: "Follow your spirit..."
Dr. John Watson: [as he's choking Dredger into unconsciousness] Relax. I'm a doctor.
[Holmes has been firing a gun into the wall]
Dr. John Watson: Permission to enter the armory?
Sherlock Holmes: Granted.
[He fires again]
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, I am in the process of inventing a device which muffles the sound of a gunshot.
[He yells in pain as Watson opens the curtains, letting sunlight into the room]
Dr. John Watson: It's not working.
[Blackwood's coffin is opened]
Inspector Lestrade: That's not Blackwood!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, now we have a firm grasp of the obvious.
Irene Adler: Moriarty
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Irene Adler: That's his name... everyone has a weak spot and he found mine.
Sherlock Holmes: What was it by the way?
[Irene looked at Sherlock and Sherlock twigs that he was her weak spot]
Sherlock Holmes: [after being tossed across the room] Un moment, s'il vous plait.
Dredger: [affably] Je ne suis pas pressé.
[Holmes picks up a gadget from the midget's workshop and it turns out to be a taser, that sends Dredger flying across the room, crushing another thug who has Watson pinned]
Dr. John Watson: Holmes? What is that?
Sherlock Holmes: Je ne sais pas.
Sherlock Holmes: [after two henchmen call in Dredger, to Watson] Meat? Or potatoes?
Dr. John Watson: My ten minutes are up.
Mary Morstan: [Mary asks Holmes to make some deductions regarding herself] What can you tell about me?
Sherlock Holmes: You?
Dr. John Watson: I don't think that's...
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know if that's...
Dr. John Watson: Not at dinner.
Sherlock Holmes: Perhaps some other time.
Mary Morstan: I insist.
Sherlock Holmes: You insist?
Dr. John Watson: You remember we've discussed this.
Sherlock Holmes: [demanding] The lady insists.
[a chambermaid enters Irene Adler's room and screams when she sees Holmes, handcuffed naked to the bed with a pillow covering his groin]
Sherlock Holmes: Madam, I need you to remain calm. And trust me, I'm a professional. Beneath this pillow, lies the key to my release.
[the Maid screams again and runs out; cut to later in a carriage]
Sherlock Holmes: Of course, she mis-interpreted my intention entirely.
Constable Clark: Naturally, sir.
Sherlock Holmes: There's only at one case that intrigues me at present. The curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying her comings and goings, they appear most... sinister.
Mrs. Hudson: Tea, Mr. Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: Is it poisoned, Nanny?
Mrs. Hudson: There's enough of that in you already.
[Mrs. Hudson starts to clear space for the tea tray]
Sherlock Holmes: Don't touch. Everything is in its proper place... as per usual, Nanny.
[on her way out, Mrs. Hudson notices the dog laying on the floor]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, he's killed the dog. Again.
Dr. John Watson: [irritated] What have you done to Gladstone now?
Sherlock Holmes: I was simply testing a new anesthetic. He doesn't mind.
Groundskeeper: And when the dead walk... the living will fill these coffins.
Lord Blackwood: Sherlock Holmes... and his loyal dog. Tell me, Doctor, as a medical man, have you enjoyed my work?
Dr. John Watson: Let me show you how much I've enjoyed it...
[He rushes at Blackwood, Holmes holds him back]
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, don't! Observe...
[Watson sees Blackwood's trap]
Dr. John Watson: How did you see that?
Sherlock Holmes: Because I was looking for it.
Inspector Lestrade: And you were supposed to wait for my orders.
Sherlock Holmes: If I had, you'd be cleaning up a corpse and chasing a rumor. Besides, the girl's parents hired me, not the Yard. Why they thought you'd require any assistance is beyond me.
[Lestrade brings Holmes, handcuffed, before the Home Secretary, Lord Coward]
Inspector Lestrade: Excuse me, my lord. I know it's unorthodox, but Mr. Holmes here has been making some serious accusations about you...
[Lestrade lifts his lapel, showing a membership pin from the Temple of the Four Orders]
Inspector Lestrade: ...and the Order, sir.
Lord Coward: I see.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, at least that solves the great mystery of how you became Inspector.
[Lestrade turns and punches Holmes in the stomach]
Inspector Lestrade: Begging your pardon, my lord, but I've been wanting to do that for a long time.
Dr. John Watson: No, not you, Mary and I. You are not...
Sherlock Holmes: What? Invited? Why would I be not invited to my own brother's country home, Watson? Now you are not making any sense!
Dr. John Watson: You are not human!
Irene Adler: Please don't underestimate him. He's just as brilliant as you are. And infinitely more devious.
Sherlock Holmes: We'll see about that.
Palm Reader: [reading Watson's palm] I see two men. Two men. Brothers! Not in blood, but in bond.
Mary Morstan: It does seem a little far-fetched, though. Making all these grand assumptions based on such tiny details...
Sherlock Holmes: Mm, that's not quite right, is it? In fact, the little details are by far the most important.
Irene Adler: I'd say you're between jobs.
Sherlock Holmes: And you, between husbands.
Irene Adler: He was boring and he was jealous and he snored. I'm Irene Adler again.
Sherlock Holmes: Whatever he was working on, he obviously succeeded.
Dr. John Watson: How do you know?
Sherlock Holmes: Otherwise, he'd still be alive.
Irene Adler: [referring to Holmes' disguise] Eye patch... nice touch.
Dr. John Watson: [Holmes is firing a gun in the house] Mrs Hudson.
Mrs. Hudson: I won't go in there by myself, not while he's got a gun in his hand!
Dr. John Watson: You don't have to go in there at all.
Mrs. Hudson: What will I do when you leave, doctor? He'll have the whole house down!
Dr. John Watson: He just needs another case, that's all.
Sherlock Holmes: [ship sinking behind them] Watson, what have you done?
Sherlock Holmes: Data, data, data. I cannot make bricks without clay.
[about Blackwood coming back from the grave]
Sherlock Holmes: Have the newspapers got wind of it yet?
Constable Clark: Well, that's what we're trying to avoid, sir.
Sherlock Holmes: Certainly. What's the major concern?
Constable Clark: Panic. Sheer bloody panic, sir.
Inspector Lestrade: [From inside Blackwood's tomb] You took your time, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: [portentously] And on the third day...
Sherlock Holmes: [as he's fighting one of Blackwood's minions, calls out to Irene Adler] Woman! Shoot him! Now, please!
[Holmes is spying on Blackwood's sacrifice. A henchman tries to sneak up on him, but Watson grabs him and puts him in a hold]
Dr. John Watson: I like the hat.
Sherlock Holmes: Thanks, I just picked it up.
Dr. John Watson: You remember your revolver?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, knew I forgot something. Thought I left the stove on.
Dr. John Watson: You did.
Sherlock Holmes: I think that's quite enough. You are a doctor, after all.
[Watson feels the henchman's pulse and lets him fall to the floor]
Sherlock Holmes: Always nice to see you, Watson.
Sherlock Holmes: Where's the inspector?
Dr. John Watson: Getting his troops lined up.
Sherlock Holmes: That could be all day.
Sherlock Holmes: Thre's nothing more elusive than an obvious fact.
Inspector Lestrade: [finding Holmes standing in the center of a pentagram] Did the Devil turn up?
Governor: Lord Henry Blackwood, you are sentenced to death for the practice of black magic, the unholy murders of five innocent young women, and the attempted murder of a sixth. Have you any final words?
Lord Blackwood: Death... is only the beginning.
[Watson is sorting Holmes's un-read mail, in response to his demand for work]
Dr. John Watson: Lady Radford reports her emerald bracelet has gone missing.
Sherlock Holmes: [not looking up] Insurance swindle. Lord Radford likes fast women and slow ponies.
Sherlock Holmes: [to Lord Blackwood] I wonder if they'd let Watson and me dissect your brain. After you hang, of course. I'd wager there would be some deformity that would be scientifically significant. In that way, at least, you could serve some kind of useful purpose.
Sherlock Holmes: [Telling a joke to a prisoner] And he said, "May I push in your stool?"
Dr. John Watson: [about Irene , to Holmes] She loves an entrance, your muse.
[Holmes and Watson are searching Riordan's house]
Sherlock Holmes: There's one odor I can't put my finger on. Is it candy floss, molasses...? Ah! Barley sugar.
[Watson turns around to see two goons enter, one holding a... ]
Dr. John Watson: ...Toffee apple.
Sherlock Holmes: Let me guess... Judging by your arsonist's tool kit, you're here to burn down the building and destroy all the evidence therein.
Thug: Just one minute, boys.
Thug: Oh, Dredger!
[as Dredger enters, Holmes and Watson look up... and up]
Dredger: Il y a un problème?
Sherlock Holmes: There's only one case that intrigues me at present. The curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying here comings and goings and they appear most... sinister.
Mrs. Hudson: Tea, Mr. Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: Is it poisoned, Nanny?
Mrs. Hudson: There's enough of that in you already.
Mrs. Hudson: [Starts to clear space for the tea tray]
Sherlock Holmes: Don't touch! Everything is in its proper place, as per usual... Nanny.
Sherlock Holmes: [to Lestrade about the criminals Holmes has just overcome] One for the doctor; one for the rope!
Lord Blackwood: My powers and my assets were given to me for one purpose. A magnificent, but simple purpose: to create a new future. A future ruled by us. Tomorrow at noon, we take the first step towards a new chapter in our history. Magic will lead the way. Once the people of England see our newfound power they'll bow down in fear. Across the Atlantic lies a colony that was once ours. It will be again. Their civil war has made them weak. Their government is as corrupt and as ineffective as ours... so we'll take it back. We will remake the world. Create the future.
Sherlock Holmes: First, the world will see you for what you are: a fraud. Then you'll be hanged - properly, this time.
Lord Blackwood: It's a long journey from here to the rope.
Sherlock Holmes: Go along now. I won't be chasing you anymore. Fare thee well.
Irene Adler: I don't wanna run, anymore.
Sherlock Holmes: [Frenetially esiring more relevant information on the case] Data, data, data! I cannot make bricks without clay!
Sherlock Holmes: [to Watson] My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me work! The sooner the better.
Sir Thomas: He was conceived during one of our rituals.
Sherlock Holmes: There was never any magic. Merely conjuring tricks.