One-Eyed Monster (2008)
Angel: What's that?
Wanda: Lidocaine. Stubble always hurts when I'm getting my pussy eaten. So, I spray it on just before a scene.
Angel: Now, that's using your noodle.
Wanda: Thanks. I'm sure you have some of your own tricks of the trade.
Angel: Yeah, I've got a great one. So, if I'm doing this video where I have to lick a guy's asshole, I hit myself in the head with a piece of wood five times really hard right here.
Wanda: What does that do?
Angel: It disables the olfactory bulb in my limbic system. I can't smell or taste anything for 12 hours straight. So, I ask the director to make sure all my ass-licking scenes are in the same day.
Mohtz: That tattoo on your arm. Is that airborne?
Jonah: The 182nd. Gulf War, 1991.
Mohtz: Hmm. Mine here is the 405th Infantry. Outside of Da Nang, South Vietnam, 1968. Whole platoon got wiped out, but it wasn't Charlie.
Jonah: You're shitting me. Friendly fire killed your whole platoon?
Mohtz: No, no, not exactly. One night, me and the C.O. were pulling guard duty, and we're sharing a joint... Thai Stick. I'm really stoned. And all of a sudden, we see this streak of light across the sky. Zoom! Waaa! And it looks like it lands about two klicks northeast of camp. So the C.O. says, "I'm gonna check it out." I said, "go ahead, cap man". More doobie for me, you know. So off he goes and uh... it could have been 10 minutes or two hours. I don't know. I was stoned. But he comes back and I notice that he's acting weird. But now, oh... now, no problem, it's just the Thai Stick kicking in. Well man, pretty soon he starts jumping around like his pants are on fire. I'm not shittin' you. And he... off comes his pants. He rips them off. Rips his skivvies off. Now I got my C.O. standing there in front of me, buck naked from the waist down. And then something happened, man, that... uh... boot camp did not prepare me for. This guy's pecker... his dick, ripped itself off his body and slithered towards the tent. So, the C.O.'s screaming like hell before he expires. Pretty soon, I can't hear him because dozens of screams are coming from the tents where all the platoon was. Want to know what the hell it sounded like? I think it sounded like... 30 men getting massacred by a dick as it shoved itself through them in rapid speed. So, I went over and hid behind a rock for about an hour and had to listen to my whole platoon being murdered. I think I heard one guy getting a shot or two off, but he then screamed as he got killed too. So, after it stopped... I very cautiously, believe me, crept into the officers tent to get a radio to get some air support and... I see the dick lying there on a sleeping bag and it looks like it's looking right back at me. But it looked, you know, fucking weak, man. And it was like in this, you know, shriveled... what kind of period do you call it?
T.J.: A refractory period. Happens just after sex.
Mohtz: Yeah, yeah, you know, I could have killed it right then, but I was so stoned I was afraid that I'd miss. And on the other hand, I knew it was only a matter of time before... you know, it would be back in action again. So, without taking my eyes off it, I get on the radio and have them chopper in two Saigon whores. So, for the next half-hour, I'm holding my weapon on this dick lying on a sleeping back in the blood-splattered tent. Now, I figured it won't know I'm stoned, so he won't jump me, you know? So, the chopper arrived just in time, thank God, because now the dick was getting big and hard. So, I tell the two whores when they showed up in the tent, "look, hey, I'll do anything, man. I'll take you to the States, anything, if you just lie down there and spread your legs for me." Well, I guess "states" was the magic word because I never two Vietnamese whores taking off their panties and clothes so quickly in all your life. Now, the dick must have smelled dinner because... choo! It makes a beeline for the whores. So I watch, and I wait, and watch. Finally, finally it blows it's load, I grabbed it, and ran it outside the tent. I threw it in a bunker. God... Jesus Christ man! About 10 seconds later, out runs about 15 gooks. And I could have nailed any one of them but no, I made a priority decision. Threw in a grenade. Yelled, "fire in the hole!" Fa-foom! Well, guess what. Now it's raining dick. Yeah, raining dick! I crawled into a whisky bottle. I got back to the States and I've been in there ever since.
Wanda: [runs into a cabin] Someone help me! Angel's got a dick in her mouth!
[everyone looks at her with indifference]
Rock: [shrugs] And...?
Wanda: It's not attached to anything!
Mohtz: So, it's a trap?
T.J.: It's a simulated vagina.
Mohtz: They're all traps.
T.J.: Nope, no issue there.
Lance: This may sound kinda stupid, but on the bus here, I was writing a song for you.
Wanda: You were?
Lance: You wanna hear it?
Lance: [singing tweedy high] I know a pretty girl named Wanda; She's someone I'm kinda... fond-a
[short break, end singing]
Lance: That's all I got so far.
Ron: How you feel, that's what matters. Look at me. I don't look like a porn star, except for my cock. But I play the fool, and I get the joke. I'm in on it, and that makes it kind of hip. And I try to bring a different character into every role that I play. And that gives me confidence. But I can't suck my own dick any more.
Veronica: Awww, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Ron: With the added weight and the back pains, all I can do is kiss the tip.
T.J.: The shooting star, the bright light; Ron acts weird, and his dick takes off running.
Wanda: And killing.
T.J.: Mm, yes. I haven't forgotten that. And killing. What if that shooting star was some alien life form that invaded Ron and took conrol of his dick?
Rock: [while looking at a dead girl with a hole right through her head] Are you trying to tell me a disembodied DICK did this?
Jim: Okay, Ron, take off your sweater.
Ron: [off camera] I'm not wearing a sweater.
Jim: Okay, and... action.
Wanda: I'm sure you have your own tricks of the trade?
Angel: Yeh; I've got one; so if I'm doing this video where I have to lick a guy's asshole, I hit myself in the head with some wood, really hard, five times, right there.
Wanda: What does that do?
Angel: It disables the olfactory bulb in my limbic system for 12 straight hours: I can't smell anything! So I ask the director to make sure all my ass licking scenes are in one day.