Booth: Machete sent me a text.
Osiris Ampanpour: What did it say?
Booth: "You just fucked with the wrong Mexican."
Henchman: Please father... have mercy.
Padre Benito del Toro: God has mercy. I don't!
Padre Benito del Toro: It's not safe for you to be here.
Machete: I'm not looking for "safe".
Padre Benito del Toro: No, I mean it's not safe for me for you to be here!
[Padre quickly blesses Machete]
Padre Benito del Toro: I absolve you of all your sins. Now, get the fuck out!
Sartana: We didn't cross the border; the border crossed us!
Torrez: You're Machete's girl. I know, cause you're his type.
Sartana: What type is that?
Senator McLaughlin: [to April, who's dressed in a nun's habit] Sister. Please... I've done wrong. I've lived a hateful life. I'm not even from around here. I hate Texas. I hate the heat. Give me my last rites.
April Booth: [points a large revolver at McLaughlin] In the name of my father...
Senator McLaughlin: My... my father? April?
[April shoots him three times in the chest]
April Booth: I forgot the rest.
Federale Officer: You're the boss.
[Pulls out machete]
Machete: This is the boss.
Sartana: I thought Machete don't text.
Machete: Machete improvises.
Padre Benito del Toro: [offers Machete a cigar] Cuban?
Von Jackson: There's nothing I'd like more than to see that Mexican dance the Bolero at the end of a rope.
Sartana: Well, there's the law and there's what's right. I'm gonna do what's right.
Senator McLaughlin: [after shooting a Mexican trying to cross the border] Welcome to America.
Booth's Bodyguard #1: [seeing Machete walking towards Booth's doorsteps carrying a pickaxe and a motor scythe] Hey, hey-heh, boss. Who are you?
Machete: The new gardener.
Booth's Bodyguard #1: The gardener.
[speaks Hungarian to Machete]
Booth's Bodyguard #1: Just fuckin' with you, cheef. It's Hungarian for I going to kill you, you little monkey. You know what, there's a big pile of shit in the back, you can go and clean that up, all right? Make sure you do a good job.
[Machete walks past him silently]
Booth's Bodyguard #1: Make sure to wipe those boots off. Carrying shit in the house.
[to his colleague]
Booth's Bodyguard #1: You ever noticed how you let a Mexican into your house just because he's got gardening tools? No questions asked, you just let him right in. Could have a chainsaw, you know, a machete...
Federale Officer: [in Spanish; subtitled] We're federal agents, not martyrs. This is suicide. She's just another kidnap victim.
[holding up picture]
Federale Officer: What makes her special? Because she's a witness against Torrez? He probably has her locked up, drugged our of her mind. We don't have to do this!
Machete: If not us, then who?
Von Jackson: [after shooting a pregnant woman] I know most people don't like us. Call us vigilantes. But it's really about vigilance.
Doc Felix: [Machete sees surgical tools] Oh, you don't want to mess with that. That's a skull scraper; we use that to scrape the bones clean. And those cut through flesh just like butter.
Machete: [grabs nurses belt] Pass me that tank.
Sniper's Henchman: Boss ain't gonna like this. What are we gonna tell him?
Machete: Are you Shé?
Luz: If I were Shé, do you think I'd be operating a taco truck? Shé brings hope. Shé rights the wrongs. Unfortunately, Shé is a myth.
Booth: Tell me, where are my wife and daughter?
Machete: With God.
Booth: Well, I guess I won't be seeing them.
Julio: We just wanna help, bro.
Machete: I don't need you help.
Julio: If not us, then who?
Sartana: Yes, I am a woman of the law. And there are lots of laws. But if they don't offer us justice, then they aren't laws! They are just lines drawn in the sand by men who would stand on your back for power and glory.
Sartana: Where will you go?
Sartana: Then I'll ride with you...
April Booth: Do you even know how many hits I get on my website?
Booth: You have a website? She has a website? Did you know about this?
April Booth: I know all about what the online public wants. And they want me. All of me.
Booth: That does it. I'm sending you to a convent.
[Torrez is about to behead Machete]
Luz: He's gonna kill him.
Sartana: No he's not. He's Machete.
[Machete stabs Torrez through the stomach]
Luz: Got a point.
Sartana: I called in a few favors. Look at this. Got you all the right papers. You can start over now, be a real person.
Machete: [hands back the papers] Why do I want to be a real person when I'm already a myth?
Machete: You're a fighter.
Luz: Only when there's something worth fighting for.
Booth: Where is Machete and where are my wife and daughter?
Padre Benito del Toro: In hell!
Booth: Then give them my best.
[nails Padre to a cross]
Senator McLaughlin: Well, I wanna thank y'all for coming out today, and I wanna thank my supporters from the bottom of my heart. Because we have been tested - tested by fire. Our border has been put to the test, and let me tell you: we have failed that test. The aliens, the infiltrators, the outsiders, they come right across by light of day or dark of night. They'll bleed us, they're parasites. They'll bleed us until we as a city, a county, a state, a nation are all bled out. Make no mistake: we are at war. Every time an illegal dances across our border it is an act of aggression against this sovereign state, an overt act of terrorism. Everywhere I go in this state people are talking about change. I say "why change"? This is a great state founded on the principles of liberty, I don't wanna change that. Our rightful citizens are hardworking Americans who earn their paychecks by the grit of their guts and the sweat of their brow! I don't wanna change that! "Change," that's what they want, change. Change the laws, open the doors. Red rover, red rover, let the terrorists come over! Let me tell you what change that'll bring: 68 cents. The jingle-jangle of pennies in your pocket because the scavengers, the leeches, the parasites are walking away with your money, while you're left with the change. So, I wanna say one more thing: who you gonna vote for?