Janice Soprano: [reading card aloud] "Second prize in a beauty contest collect $10." Go ahead, make your stupid joke.
Tony Soprano: I got nothing to say.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Think I'll buy a railroad.
Tony Soprano: A German shepherd's shaved asshole won first prize.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Oh! You're talkin' about my wife.
Tony Soprano: You married her.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: It's my home. No more talkin' like that.
Janice Soprano: It's OK, Bobby.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Stay outta this! You Sopranos. You go too far.
Tony Soprano: Alright, you know, Jan, he's right. I'm sorry. I crossed the line. I apologize. Won't happen again.
Tony Soprano: [quietly begins singing "Under the Boardwalk"] Under the Boardwalk. With a schlong in Jan's mouth. Under the...
[Bobby punches Tony in the face. The two have a fistfight]
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: My pop bought this place 'cause it was close to Canada. He had ties to Montreal. You know, Tone. And his father, my grandpop, come into the country originally through Montreal illegally.
Carmela Soprano: No kidding. He wasn't Ellis Island, your grandfather?
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Nah. Got mixed up in some shenanigans on the other side. Anti-government or somethin'. Had a police record... They oughta build a wall now though. I'm tellin' ya.
Carmela Soprano: Amen.
Janice Soprano: You want to swap family stories Tone? How about the time when Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa?
Tony Soprano: That's enough Janice!
Janice Soprano: [laughing] Mom's hair!
Tony Soprano: That didn't even happen! And anyway, it's not for public concern!
Carmela Soprano: What? Oh my God! What?
Janice Soprano: They were driving back from Manhattan, with Uncle June and his goomar. Oh! What was her name?
Tony Soprano: Your ass!
Janice Soprano: That's how we heard the story through her...
Janice Soprano: Rosemary. My father's driving, and she's ragging on his ass. You know how she gets. He's been drinking, I guess. And he takes out his gun!
Carmela Soprano: Oh my God!
Janice Soprano: BOOM!
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Holy shit!
[Tony looks embarrassed]
Janice Soprano: Fuckin' blew right through her beehive hairdo!
[Carmela, Janice and Bobby burst out laughing]
Carmela Soprano: [laughing] I can't believe you never told me that story!
Janice Soprano: Yeah! What's the big deal!
Tony Soprano: 'Cause it makes us look like a fuckin' dysfunctional family!
Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ!
Janice Soprano: My turn!
Tony Soprano: [to Carmela] And don't you ever tell the kids that about their grandfather!
Carmela Soprano: Of course not!
Tony Soprano: My estimate, historically? Eighty percent of the time it ends up in the can like Johnny Sack. Or on the embalming table at Cozzarelli's.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Don't even say it.
Tony Soprano: No risk, no reward.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I mean, our line of work, it's always out there. You probably don't even hear it when it happens, right?
Tony Soprano: Ask your friend there on the wall.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: [laughs] Listen to us. Morbid fucks.
Tony Soprano: You know, come to think of it, you never popped your cherry in that regard, right?
Tony Soprano: Your old man was the fuckin' Terminator.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I come close. I done other shit but... no.
Tony Soprano: A salut. A big fat pain in the balls.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Especially now with DNA evidence. My pop never wanted it for me. Said there were times, with all the worry, that he wished he coulda just stayed in the shop full-time, just cut hair.
Tony Soprano: To be honest, I'd rather he fuckin' shot me than cut my hair.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: [laughs]