Quotes
Liz Lemon: [to Jack] I want you... to punch your sister in the face.
Share thisPete Hornberger: Hey, Liz! Hey! You can't fire the other Liz unless she's in the bottom ten percent.
Liz Lemon: Uh, you can just tell she is, by her stupid face.
Pete Hornberger: You're a better person than this.
Liz Lemon: Jack has given me absolute power. I am the decider.
Pete Hornberger: Okay, you can't just do this.
Liz Lemon: I'm not gonna just do anything. I have a plan. Step one: befriend the enemy and gather information. Then, use the information to drive her into the bottom ten percent.
Pete Hornberger: Good lord! Your eyes - you look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.
Liz Lemon: Hey, that was a lady with a plan. Diapers, Mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours - blam-o!
Share this[at the NBC Fitness Center]
Jenna Maroney: What class do you wanna take?
Liz Lemon: Uh, anything that doesn't have the word "strip," "salsa," or "beats" with a "z" in the name of it.
Jenna Maroney: Cardio Hip-Hop Groove it is, then.
Share thisJack Donaghy: Lemon, come here - you've got to see this. It's a video of a baby panda sneezing. Sit here.
[Liz sits and Jack starts the video]
Jack Donaghy: Don't watch the mother; just watch the baby.
Liz Lemon: Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever seen!
Jack Donaghy: Isn't that adorable? You have to fire ten percent of your staff.
Share thisJack Donaghy: You have to fire ten percent of your staff.
Liz Lemon: What?
Jack Donaghy: We have to synergize backward overflow.
Share thisLiz Lemon: Ten percent? I can't fire any of these people!
Pete Hornberger: Who cares? Getting fired is better than getting killed by my wife, with those big farm-people hands crushing my windpipe.
Liz Lemon: Everything okay at home, buddy?
Share thisPete Hornberger: Remember that little secret I told you about Hornberger family planning?
Liz Lemon: You mean that you flat-out lied about getting a vasectomy? Don't tell me *that* backfired.
Share thisTracy Jordan: Hey, Liz Lemon: Do you know where I could find a good church?
Liz Lemon: How good? Like, Judaism-good, or just, like, Unitarian?
Share thisTracy Jordan: My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, 'cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.
Share thisTracy Jordan: So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz Lemon: Hmm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.
Share thisLiz Lemon: Can I help you?
Eddie Donaghy: Yeah, sweetheart: I'm looking for Jack Donaghy.
Liz Lemon: And you are?
Eddie Donaghy: Eddie Donaghy - Jack's brother.
Liz Lemon: Really? 'Cause Jack never mentioned a brother, and his name is "Donagee," not "Donahee."
Eddie Donaghy: [considering her] You know, you could be pretty if you didn't scowl so much.
[Liz immediately believes Eddie]
Liz Lemon: Tracy, this is Jack's brother, Eddie.
Share thisEddie Donaghy: I got a real job now: I talk homeless people into joining the army.
Jack Donaghy: Isn't there anything that you want?
Eddie Donaghy: One thing: I'd like my brother back. Look, I know I've been nothing but trouble to you your entire life. Juvie, Jonestown, that time I punched Goofy... Hell, I even blinded you with a bottle rocket!
Jack Donaghy: Ah, that was for a couple of lousy months; big deal. I had sex with your prom date.
Eddie Donaghy: I stole your identity.
Jack Donaghy: I threw you out of a window.
Eddie Donaghy: I convinced you you had lupus.
Jack Donaghy: I microwaved your parakeet!
Eddie Donaghy: I hated that bird.
Jack Donaghy: We had some great times, didn't we?
Share this[the elevator opens for Liz, revealing Floyd inside, kissing a woman]
Floyd: Hey, sorry about that. Not super-appropriate in the workplace.
Liz Lemon: No... It's only inappropriate when it's ugly people.
Share thisEddie Donaghy: Hey, Jack, you mind if I take a few grapes for dinner later?
Jack Donaghy: Why don't you just take the money?
Eddie Donaghy: No! If you wanna give money to someone, you give it to those nurses who took care of Dad at Chicago All-Saints Hospital. They never once said anything about the racist stuff, towards the end.
Share this[Tracy is seeking a religion for publicity]
Tracy Jordan: Hey, Jack's brother: What religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.
Eddie Donaghy: Oh, well, uh, I'm Irish Catholic. Now, I know there's been a lot of controversy around the church lately, ya know, because of The Da Vinci Code, but what's great is you can do anything - anything - and as long as you go to confession, it's forgiven.
Tracy Jordan: I'm Irish Catholic.
Share thisEddie Donaghy: Wow! I bet Pop's lookin' down right now and saying, "If I could come back and do any broad, it'd be that one right there."
Liz Lemon: [chuckles and then speaks seriously] Ew.
Share this[Liz, talking to herself while reading from her computer screen]
Liz Lemon: Well, well, other Liz, played saxophone in the marching band at Rutgers?
[chuckles]
Liz Lemon: Kept that a secret from your employer, didn't you?
Share thisCerie: Oh, Liz? Did you put your check in already?
Liz Lemon: Oh, no.
[takes out her checkbook]
Liz Lemon: What do I make it out to - "Chicago All-Saints Hospital"?
Cerie: Eddie just said to write the initials on the check.
[Liz speaks to herself as she writes]
Liz Lemon: C-A-S-H... Son of a bitch!
[Liz looks through the box of checks; all are addressed to CASH]
Cerie: [helpfully] Eddie already took the other box.
Share thisJack Donaghy: I was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Uh, I played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.
Share thisJack Donaghy: Oh, I had to re-hire that Liz Lemler that you fired.
Liz Lemon: Okay.
Jack Donaghy: And I didn't want any more trouble with her, so I had to give her a promotion, too.
Liz Lemon: Fantastic.
Jack Donaghy: It's an amazing opportunity for her, out at... corporate headquarters.
Liz Lemon: In Connecticut? She's transferred to Connecticut?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. That's right. It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.
[Liz smiles]
Jack Donaghy: And you say...
Liz Lemon: Thank you, Jack.
Jack Donaghy: You're welcome.
Share thisTracy Jordan: Hey, did you hear the good news, J.D.? I'm Irish Catholic now, like you, Regis, and the Pope.
Jack Donaghy: Oh, ho ho, no you're not. The church already has enough lawsuits.
Tracy Jordan: See, I can screw up now, and then just go to confession. No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.
Jack Donaghy: That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.
Tracy Jordan: I don't think I want that. I'm out.
[Jack turns to leave]
Jack Donaghy: [to himself] Somehow, I feel oddly guilty about that.
[Jack crosses himself]
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