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"30 Rock" The Fighting Irish (TV Episode 2007) Poster

(TV Series)

(2007)

Quotes

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, come here - you've got to see this. It's a video of a baby panda sneezing. Sit here.

[Liz sits and Jack starts the video]

Jack Donaghy: Don't watch the mother; just watch the baby.

Liz Lemon: Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever seen!

Jack Donaghy: Isn't that adorable? You have to fire ten percent of your staff.

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[Tracy is seeking a religion for publicity]

Tracy Jordan: Hey, Jack's brother: What religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.

Eddie Donaghy: Oh, well, uh, I'm Irish Catholic. Now, I know there's been a lot of controversy around the church lately, ya know, because of The Da Vinci Code, but what's great is you can do anything - anything - and as long as you go to confession, it's forgiven.

Tracy Jordan: I'm Irish Catholic.

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Liz Lemon: [to Jack] I want you... to punch your sister in the face.

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Pete Hornberger: Hey, Liz! Hey! You can't fire the other Liz unless she's in the bottom ten percent.

Liz Lemon: Uh, you can just tell she is, by her stupid face.

Pete Hornberger: You're a better person than this.

Liz Lemon: Jack has given me absolute power. I am the decider.

Pete Hornberger: Okay, you can't just do this.

Liz Lemon: I'm not gonna just do anything. I have a plan. Step one: befriend the enemy and gather information. Then, use the information to drive her into the bottom ten percent.

Pete Hornberger: Good lord! Your eyes - you look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.

Liz Lemon: Hey, that was a lady with a plan. Diapers, Mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours - blam-o!

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[at the NBC Fitness Center]

Jenna Maroney: What class do you wanna take?

Liz Lemon: Uh, anything that doesn't have the word "strip," "salsa," or "beats" with a "z" in the name of it.

Jenna Maroney: Cardio Hip-Hop Groove it is, then.

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Jack Donaghy: You have to fire ten percent of your staff.

Liz Lemon: What?

Jack Donaghy: We have to synergize backward overflow.

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Liz Lemon: Ten percent? I can't fire any of these people!

Pete Hornberger: Who cares? Getting fired is better than getting killed by my wife, with those big farm-people hands crushing my windpipe.

Liz Lemon: Everything okay at home, buddy?

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Pete Hornberger: Remember that little secret I told you about Hornberger family planning?

Liz Lemon: You mean that you flat-out lied about getting a vasectomy? Don't tell me *that* backfired.

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Tracy Jordan: Hey, Liz Lemon: Do you know where I could find a good church?

Liz Lemon: How good? Like, Judaism-good, or just, like, Unitarian?

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Tracy Jordan: My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, 'cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

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Tracy Jordan: So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

Liz Lemon: Hmm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

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Liz Lemon: Can I help you?

Eddie Donaghy: Yeah, sweetheart: I'm looking for Jack Donaghy.

Liz Lemon: And you are?

Eddie Donaghy: Eddie Donaghy - Jack's brother.

Liz Lemon: Really? 'Cause Jack never mentioned a brother, and his name is "Donagee," not "Donahee."

Eddie Donaghy: [considering her] You know, you could be pretty if you didn't scowl so much.

[Liz immediately believes Eddie]

Liz Lemon: Tracy, this is Jack's brother, Eddie.

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Eddie Donaghy: I got a real job now: I talk homeless people into joining the army.

Jack Donaghy: Isn't there anything that you want?

Eddie Donaghy: One thing: I'd like my brother back. Look, I know I've been nothing but trouble to you your entire life. Juvie, Jonestown, that time I punched Goofy... Hell, I even blinded you with a bottle rocket!

Jack Donaghy: Ah, that was for a couple of lousy months; big deal. I had sex with your prom date.

Eddie Donaghy: I stole your identity.

Jack Donaghy: I threw you out of a window.

Eddie Donaghy: I convinced you you had lupus.

Jack Donaghy: I microwaved your parakeet!

Eddie Donaghy: I hated that bird.

Jack Donaghy: We had some great times, didn't we?

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[the elevator opens for Liz, revealing Floyd inside, kissing a woman]

Floyd: Hey, sorry about that. Not super-appropriate in the workplace.

Liz Lemon: No... It's only inappropriate when it's ugly people.

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Eddie Donaghy: Hey, Jack, you mind if I take a few grapes for dinner later?

Jack Donaghy: Why don't you just take the money?

Eddie Donaghy: No! If you wanna give money to someone, you give it to those nurses who took care of Dad at Chicago All-Saints Hospital. They never once said anything about the racist stuff, towards the end.

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Eddie Donaghy: Wow! I bet Pop's lookin' down right now and saying, "If I could come back and do any broad, it'd be that one right there."

Liz Lemon: [chuckles and then speaks seriously] Ew.

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[Liz, talking to herself while reading from her computer screen]

Liz Lemon: Well, well, other Liz, played saxophone in the marching band at Rutgers?

[chuckles]

Liz Lemon: Kept that a secret from your employer, didn't you?

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Cerie: Oh, Liz? Did you put your check in already?

Liz Lemon: Oh, no.

[takes out her checkbook]

Liz Lemon: What do I make it out to - "Chicago All-Saints Hospital"?

Cerie: Eddie just said to write the initials on the check.

[Liz speaks to herself as she writes]

Liz Lemon: C-A-S-H... Son of a bitch!

[Liz looks through the box of checks; all are addressed to CASH]

Cerie: [helpfully] Eddie already took the other box.

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Jack Donaghy: I was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon.

Liz Lemon: Uh, I played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.

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Jack Donaghy: Oh, I had to re-hire that Liz Lemler that you fired.

Liz Lemon: Okay.

Jack Donaghy: And I didn't want any more trouble with her, so I had to give her a promotion, too.

Liz Lemon: Fantastic.

Jack Donaghy: It's an amazing opportunity for her, out at... corporate headquarters.

Liz Lemon: In Connecticut? She's transferred to Connecticut?

Jack Donaghy: Yes. That's right. It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.

[Liz smiles]

Jack Donaghy: And you say...

Liz Lemon: Thank you, Jack.

Jack Donaghy: You're welcome.

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Tracy Jordan: Hey, did you hear the good news, J.D.? I'm Irish Catholic now, like you, Regis, and the Pope.

Jack Donaghy: Oh, ho ho, no you're not. The church already has enough lawsuits.

Tracy Jordan: See, I can screw up now, and then just go to confession. No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.

Jack Donaghy: That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.

Tracy Jordan: I don't think I want that. I'm out.

[Jack turns to leave]

Jack Donaghy: [to himself] Somehow, I feel oddly guilty about that.

[Jack crosses himself]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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