Danny Tripp: Well, now we know not to put the baby's head in a guillotine.
[Tom and Cal have accidentally chopped the head off a RealCare baby with a guillotine]
Danny Tripp: How's it goin'?
Tom Jeter: Good.
Danny Tripp: OH MY GOD!
Tom Jeter: 'cept that we beheaded the baby.
Danny Tripp: The hell did you do?
Cal Shanley: Problem?
Danny Tripp: Yes, it's a problem. This is a special doll with... with computer sensors.
Cal Shanley: I've heard about those things. RealCare babies, they're supposed to be indestructible.
Danny Tripp: Yeah, they are, unless you drop an 80 pound hydraulic axe on their head.
Danny Tripp: The first day of work, I said, "You and Harriet, is it gonna be a problem?" You said, "No, Danny, no, it's not gonna be a problem."
Matt Albie: Did I say it in the same creepy little voice you just used?
Danny Tripp: It's Wednesday night; it all comes together on Wednesday night.
Jordan McDeere: So why do I pay you guys for Monday and Tuesday?
Danny Tripp: Because you love me.
Jordan McDeere: A little.
Danny Tripp: No, huge.
Jordan McDeere: Mmm, I've loved other guys, it's a passing thing.
Jordan McDeere: [about her new "Real Care" baby's crying] It just told me I'd stuffed it in a Prada bag!
Danny Tripp: The real baby's gonna do that too.
Jordan McDeere: Yeah, but now I know not to... you know...
Danny Tripp: Stuff the baby in a bag? You knew that before.
Jordan McDeere: But now I can practice comforting.
Danny Tripp: You turned it off with a remote.
Danny Tripp: Look, I know you're nervous, and God understands that. So he made the first year an on ramp, okay? You're not up to full speed, you're just merging with other traffic.
Jordan McDeere: You know how many times I've busted my car merging with other traffic?
Danny Tripp: Okay, you don't drive the baby. Ever.
Jordan McDeere: [to Danny] Hundred bucks says you can't keep the fake baby alive until we leave here.
Jordan McDeere: How did the baby get in the guillotine?
Tom Jeter: [on learning that Simon slept with the sexual harassment plaintiff] Simon! You've got to go talk to the lawyer.
Simon Stiles: I'll lose my job! I'll lose my house! I'll lose my Lincoln Navigator!
Tom Jeter: Look...
Simon Stiles: My Navigator Tom!