Charlie Harper: [upset with Charlie when Jake discovers porn on Charlie's computer] Look, it's not hard-core. It's mostly her and a couple of friends having a pajama party.
Jake Harper: [confused] I didn't see pajamas.
Berta: Hey Charlie! Who do I work for? You? Or that fastidious parasite you call a brother?
Berta: [to Charlie] That was some fall you took.
Charlie Harper: Yea. If I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
Berta: You think the liquer industry would promote that.
Charlie Harper: It *is* a selling point; right up there with making ugly people do-able.
Danielle: Ah well, for the last eight years I've had a full-time career trying to spend my divorce settlement.
Charlie Harper: Ohh, a working woman.
Berta: Walk me through this again. She's beautiful, rich, divorced, and you want to hand her off to Zippy-the-Chimp?
[talking about Alan]
Charlie Harper: Ok, follow my reasoning here. This is a woman looking to settle down. If *I* sleep with her, I'm happy for one night. But, if I teach my *brother* to sleep with her, he falls in love, asks her to marry him, moves out, and I'm happy for the *rest* of my life.
Alan Harper: [to Charlie] Because, there's only two reasons you *ever* set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed, or cross-eyed, or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... Ok. I guess there's just one reason.
Alan Harper: [to Charlie] "I'm Sorry" does not make up for leaving me in a hotel room with a girl with a vestigial penis.
Berta: She saw him for the mindless meat-seeking missle that he is.
Charlie Harper: [to Alan] ... Why wouldn't she want you?
Alan Harper: I'm broke, middle-aged, twice divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, under-achieving son.