Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007)
[upon coming home to his house being a mess]
David Seville: Oh my god, Theodore, did you just-?
Theodore: [nervously] Umm, Umm.
Simon: [picks up a small pellet shaped this in front of Theodore] It's a raisin, Dave.
David Seville: Prove it.
Simon: [puts it in his mouth] Mmm-Mmm.
David Seville: Okay, you got me. Look, I wanna talk to all you guys. Where's Alvin?
David Seville: [heads off toward the kitchen] Alvin!
Simon: [quickly spits it out and looks sternly at Theodore] You owe me big-time!
Mother in Store: [apologizing for her daughter hitting Dave on the head with a box while shopping in a grocery store] Oh, sorry about that. Sorry.
David Seville: Kids, huh?
Mother in Store: Yeah, they keep you on your toes. You have any?
David Seville: Three boys.
Mother in Store: Some days are better than others.
David Seville: ...and then some days you just want to close them in a box, and leave the box in the park, and run away you know?
Mother in Store: [rushes off with her cart]
David Seville: Chipmunks can't talk either.
Simon: Well, our lips are moving and words are coming out.
David Seville: This is not happening. I'm not talking to chipmunks, I'm not talking to chipmunks.
Alvin: So, how's that going for you, Dave?
David Seville: Uhh - uhh, how'd you know my name?
Alvin: Oh, that one? We read your mail by accident.
Simon: You really oughta pay that utility bill, Dave. Ever heard of a credit rating?
Theodore: [turns on the food processor] What's this thing?
David Seville: Hey, hey... hey, hey, turn that off!
Alvin: [turns off the food processor] Sorry.
Simon: [rubs Theodore's head] He fell out of the tree at birth.
David Seville: C-Can all animals talk?
Simon: Well, fish do have this type of sign language.
Alvin: Hey Dave, do all humans have houses that smell like sweatsocks?
Alvin: [singing while squirting soap out of the soap dispenser] Dave likes to wear, dirty underwear, with little hairs...
Simon: We're getting off on the wrong foot. Allow us to introduce ourselves. Hello, I'm Simon, the smart one. He's Alvin...
Alvin: The awesomest one...
Theodore: And I'm Theodore.
David Seville: Oh, that's nice to meet you. Now get out of my house.
Theodore: But... we talk.
David Seville: Which only makes me want you out of my house that much more. It's creepy, unnatural, somewhat evil.
Alvin: I kind of liked him better when he was unconscious.
David Seville: [places a mixing bowl over the chipmunks] Gotcha!
David Seville: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
David Seville: Ian, they don't want this anymore. Just let them go!
Ian: But the guy just left, you should have said something about five seconds ago.
Ian: [soft voice] Come back.
David Seville: Ian, they need a real life, not all of this. Besides, they just ruined the concert. Word'll get out, and no one will come to see them!
Ian: [places hands on Dave's cheeks] Dave, they're chipmunks, who talk. People will come.
Ian: [to security guards] Guys, with me.
Ian: [singing] Whoa, whoa... that's how we roll...
David Seville: H-How did you guys...?
Simon: We're talking chipmunks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. Not even hard to do.
Alvin: Last one to the door is road kill!
Simon: I'm in!
[Alvin and Simon make a break for the door]
Theodore: [distracted by a Christmas ornament] Hmm... What are these shiny things?
Simon: [goes back to Theodore] Theodore, we're leaving now!
David Seville: [picks up a stack of toster waffles from the under the kitchen rug]
Simon: We put a few toaster waffles aside for winter
Alvin: And we're not sharing!
David Seville: Guys, we're gonna have food all winter so if you start storing it, it's gonna get gross and we're gonna have rodent -...
David Seville: Bad you know... non-talking rodents around here
Alvin: [singing] Don't cha... Yeah, yeah, come on, come on... Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me / Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me...
[Dave opens the dishwasher door and Alvin screams]
Alvin: There's this new thing, it's called knocking!
David Seville: Get out!
Alvin: I'm waiting for the rain cycle.
David Seville: [pulls Alvin out of the dishwasher] Out!
Alvin: Hey, I'm taking a shower here!
David Seville: You know, if I made a list of my worst days ever, guess what? Today would be at the top of the list.
Alvin: And it's still early.
David Seville: Clam it, sudsy!
[Simon and Theodore join Alvin on the counter]
Alvin: Look, let me just put it to you like this, OK? I have no job, no career, my house is always a mess, thank you very much...
[up a lighting post, being chased by a security guard]
Alvin: [songsung] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, missed a chipmunk cause you're slow.
[shines the spotlight in his eyes]
Alvin: Yippee-kie-yay, mamacita!
David Seville: Alright, here's the deal; you guys sing my songs, you get to sleep here.
Alvin: [thinks about it] No. Wait! Is breakfast included?
David Seville: [thinks about it] I can live with that.
Simon: What about TV privileges?
David Seville: [thinks about it] Okay, but not after seven.
David Seville: Done. Don't tell you're animal friends, cause I don't wanna come home and find a bunch of rabbits and skunks on my couch.
Simon: Filthy creatures, Dave. Never associate with them.
Theodore: Yeah, you're our only friend.
David Seville: No, no, no, no, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Let's just start with me being your songwriter.
Alvin: Um, let me ask you, have you ever written a song before?
David Seville: Yup.
Alvin: And... is that your music stuff outside?
David Seville: Yup.
[thunder claps reminding Dave that his songwriting equipment is soaked in the rain]
David Seville: Oh no!
Alvin: Hurry back.
Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [a capella] Where is the moment we needed the most/You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost/They tell me your blue skies fade to gray/They tell me your passion's gone away/And I don't need no carryin' on/Cause you had a bad day/You're taking one down/You sing a sad song just to turn it around/You say you don't know/You tell me don't lie/You work at a smile and you go for a ride/You had a bad day/You've seen what you like/And how does it feel for one more time/You had a bad day/You had a bad day/
Alvin: [pushing the last of the acorns into the tree] It's going, It's going.
[gets sucked in and falls out with all of the acorns]
Simon: And it's gone.
Alvin: [from inside the tree] Whatever!
Theodore: Maybe we should take a break.
[an acorn hits him on the head]
Alvin: That's it! I can't take this anymore! I can't! I give up! I'm sick of struggling for survival! Competing with gophers and earthworms, and that loser sparrow who always takes my nuts! And I'm especially sick of this stupid, stupid...*tree!*
[the sound of a buzzsaw is heard, and the tree shakes]
Simon: Whoa! What's happening?
Theodore: Guys! I think he made it angry!
Alvin: [tries to open a bottle of champange] Stupid cork! Doesn't - Whoa!
[Cork flies into a glass door cabinet breaking it along with some of the glasses in it]
Alvin: Yikes, Ha-ha! Oops!
David Seville: Not gonna say it.
Simon: Good grief.
[Champagne spills all over the floor creating a large puddle]
Claire: Are you still not gonna say it?
David Seville: [tries very hard not to] Nope!
[Champagne puddle becomes a flood that hits a plug outlet, causing a blackout in Dave's house]
David Seville: I'm gonna say it. AAAAAALLLLLLVVVVVVIIIIIINNNNNN!
Theodore: [taps Dave's hand] Dave?
[jumps up onto the bed]
Theodore: Are you awake?
David Seville: I am now.
Theodore: I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you?
David Seville: Umm...
Theodore: You won't even know I'm here.
David Seville: Ok, sure, but stay on THAT side of the bed.
Theodore: Oh, oh, oh, ok.
David Seville: Uh, guys, what's this about?
[holds up one of his presentation boards in front of Simon and Theodore]
Simon: Obviously, Theodore's butt.
Theodore: We told you we colored.
David Seville: On my presentation boards? You got me fired.
Theodore: [Dave grabs the remote] We didn't know.
Theodore: [Dave turns off the TV] We're sorry, Dave.
David Seville: Oh, you're sorry? That's fantastic!
David Seville: Sorry doesn't get my job back now, does it, Theodore?
Alvin: [knocks on door] You should've kissed her, Dave. She really wanted you!
Simon: Alvin, you're not helping.
Alvin: Aw, don't give up, Dave.
David Seville: Go away! Leave me alone!
Theodore: Dave, would you like a cookie?
David Seville: I said leave me alone!
Theodore: [climbs on Ian's bed] Uncle Ian?
Ian: [wakes up with a start] What are you doing here?
Theodore: Can I sleep with you? I had a nightmare.
Ian: Oh... you had a nightmare? I had a nightmare too. In my nightmare, I had to put together 37 dates in 42 days, in 16 countries. And, I had to coordinate 121 radio and print interviews in 5 different languages.
Ian: [picks up Theodore] And you know what Theo, the only difference is, in my nightmare, when I open my eyes, it doesn't end!
Theodore: So... is that a no?
[Ian throws Theodore out the door]
Theodore: Whoa... oh... oh...
Theodore: Guys, I wanna go home.
Simon: What do you mean? You are home.
Theodore: No. I mean home home, with Dave.
Alvin: But Theodore, wake up and smell the toffee. Dave doesn't even want us. He doesn't even care to come to our show.
David Seville: [the boys are singing Funky Town] Hey guys, knock it off. It's 3 in the morning.
[Theodore and Simon stop, Alvin continues to sing]
David Seville: Alvin.
David Seville: Alvin.
David Seville: ALVIN!
Theodore: How do you think it's going?
Alvin: Terrible! They're not even sniffing each other!
Simon: But Alvin, Dave said that...
Alvin: Dave needs a little help from the love doctor.
Theodore: And his assistant.
Simon: [pulls Theodore inside the room] Get back here.
David Seville: They're savings bonds. In seven years you will get to buy something really nice.
Alvin: Do you have any that you bought seven years ago?
[after being captured and placed into a cat carrier]
Alvin: You'll never take us alive!
Simon: They just did take us alive, Alvin.
Alvin: It's a figure of speech, Simon. Instead of criticizing me, why not use your big brain to think of a way out?
David Seville: Nicely done, Theodore.
[reading the letter]
David Seville: To Dav... let's see it says Merry Christmas, love Theodore. and i'ts got a nice picture of uh... some pineapples?
Theodore: Those aren't pinapples, that's our family!
Simon: [after knocking out Dave] Hmm. He's been out for quite a while.
Theodore: [gasps] You guys, he's dead!
Alvin: Don't panic! Wipe everything down! I'll need three garbage bags, a shovel, some disinfectant, some latex gloves, and oregano. Go!
Simon: Hang on, Sherlock. He's coming too.
David Seville: I must be hearing things.
David Seville: Oh, this is trippy.
Theodore: Sir, are you alright?
Ian: Let's talk about your song, Dave.
David Seville: Well, as crazy as it sounds, the original inspiration came to me...
Ian: The song sucks, Dave.
David Seville: What?
Ian: Your song, it's awful, I hate it. Yeah, I mean, who's gonna sing it? Justin? Fergie? Not a chance. Come on, I need something new, something fresh...
David Seville: But that is new.
Ian: The next big thing. Dave, we go way back. We both come a long way since college. You, not so much. I wanted to like that song, but, you heard it... not that good. If I wasn't your friend, I'd say, "Dave, you go right back out of this office and you keep writing music, you'll get there someday." But I am your friend, so I'm going to tell you that there is no sense in writing songs that no one is ever, ever, going to sing.
David Seville: Ever?
Theodore: [munching on some cereal] This is the greatest day of my life!
Alvin: Eureka! I found the cheese balls!
[Alvin pours out the cheese balls and Simon catches them with a bowl]
Simon: Ughh! Alvin, what are you doing? Don't make a mess!
[jumps into the bowl of cheese balls]
David Seville: What was that?
Simon: Um, nothing, nothing, just a little stage fright.
Theodore: I thought my heart was gonna explode.
Alvin: We're not performing monkeys, Dave. Why do we have to sing for that guy anyway?
David Seville: Well, how's this? Pretend I need the money and I hate my job and you're staying at my place so, you owe me.
Theodore: We're sorry, Dave.
David Seville: Yeah, that helps.
David Seville: [heavy sigh] Never mind, I'm late for work.
Theodore: Ooh, ooh, can we go with you?
David Seville: What, so you can mess that up too? Uh-uh. You're going home.
Alvin: Can I stand on your lap and steer?
Theodore: Oh, can I at least beep the... horn?
[Dave looks at the chipmunks]
Theodore: Never mind.
Theodore: Who's Claire?
Simon: Claire is Dave's mate. Ooh-la-la.
David Seville: She's not my mate. She's my ex-mate.
David Seville: [frantically tries to clean the house] This is great.
Simon: Dave, slow down. You just go get the food. We'll take care of the rest, all right?
David Seville: Oh, why am I having a hard time believing you?
Alvin: That hurts, Dave. That really hurts.
Simon: Yeah, we're all in this together, Dave.
Theodore: Like a family.
David Seville: No, not like a family!
Alvin: Tick-tock, Dave. Better bust-a-move!
David Seville: Right.
[Theodore giggles and Dave points at him]
David Seville: Hey!
[Simon passes the breath freshener bottle to Theodore]
David Seville: Look, I know what you guys are up to. Alvin!
Theodore: Blood check.
David Seville: Where's Alvin?
[Theodore sprays breath freshener in Dave's face, causing Dave to scream and knock down some things attached to the door]
David Seville: [to Claire] Everything's fine!
David Seville: [to Theodore] Why'd you do that?
Theodore: We were just trying to help... you have garlic breath.
David Seville: [grabs the breath freshener bottle from Theodore's hand] Well, stop helping. You're ruining everything!
[throws the bottle on the floor]
Alvin: Is it me, or was he a little mad?
Simon: Hmm... I wonder... is Dave mad? Yes!
Theodore: He really did have garlic breath.
Simon: Yeah, well played, guys.
Alvin: Idea, ding-ding-ding-ding! Who has cab fare?
Simon: Cab fare? We don't even have pockets.
David Seville: Okay, new rule. No going out after nine, and not at all unless I know where you're going.
Theodore: Were you worried about us, Dave?
David Seville: No, I just needed to know, that's all.
Alvin: Um, if you're not worried, then why do you need to know?
David Seville: I need to know, okay?
Ian: Alright people, settle in, settle in. It is a very special night tonight. Here at Jett Records we pride ourselves in bringing you tomorrow's music today. Oh, and guess what, I did it again. Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing their new hit single, give it up for Alvin, Simon, and Theodore!
Ian: Dave Seville. Learn the name, look for the face. If he shows up tomorrow night, he doesn't get anywhere near my chipmunks. Got it?
Security Guard: Got it.
Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [a capella] Only you can make this world seem right / Only you can make the darkness bright
[Dave opens window]
Alvin: Uh, were we disturbing you?
David Seville: Y-you guys can sing too?
Alvin: That's not singing, this is singing.
Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [sing Funkytown]
David Seville: This is amazing. Here, everyone inside.
[the three chipmunks jump onto the trash can one by one]
Simon: [almost slips] Whoopsie.
[Dave helps Simon up]
Simon: Thank you.
Ian: [glances outside his mansion] Hello?... Hello?
[Theodore smells Ian's foot and sneezes]
[closes door and heads back to the stairs]
Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [a capella] Christmas, Christmas time is here / Time for toys and time for cheer / We can hardly stand the wait / Please Christmas, don't be late
Ian: Welcome to Jett Records.
Alvin: [running on a tape recorder spool] This kicks a hamster wheel's butt!
Alvin: [Theodore crashed a RC car] Why didn't the airbags deploy?
Simon: Theodore, don't go into the light!
Theodore: Huh? Phew! Let's do it again!
David Seville: It's hard, I know, three months ago you were wandering around in a tree somewhere and, now you're...
Alvin: [sucks air from a balloon and speaks in a low voice] major rockstars!
David Seville: Okay, whatever. Well, my point is, just because you're...
Alvin: [low voice] major rockstars!
David Seville: [releases balloon from Alvin's hand and sits down again] ... doesn't mean that you can have or do whatever you want!
Simon: Well, Uncle Ian said that we should always be happy.
David Seville: Okay, you know what? He's not your uncle!
[pulls the balloons down from the ceiling fan]
Alvin: He also, David, said that we should be making 20 dollars a day.
David Seville: Well, guess what? You're making way more than that. And because I care, I'm putting it all away for you, just like storing nuts for the winter.
Alvin: Ah, winter's for losers!
Simon: Yeah. And shouldn't we be having our say on how to build our investment portfolio?
David Seville: Where is all this coming from? You guys are just kids.
Alvin: Kids, Dave... or rats?
David Seville: What?
Theodore: Well, Uncle Ian said that we're like his family.
David Seville: Oh yeah? Well, if you love Uncle Ian so much and don't think I'm watching out for you, why don't you go live with Uncle Ian?