- Becca: Father?
- Hank Moody: Daughter?
- Becca: Can I ask you something?
- Hank Moody: Anything, my love.
- Becca: Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?
- Hank Moody: You wait right there okay?
- Becca: There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's ok?
- Hank Moody: I'll check.
- [Hank and Mia had a one-night stand]
- Karen Van Der Beek: This is Mia, Bill's daughter, and this is Hank. You two know each other?
- Hank Moody: No.
- Mia Gross: Well, I do recognize you.
- Hank Moody: No.
- Mia Gross: Yeah, sure I do.
- Hank Moody: No.
- Mia Gross: From your book. Your picture is on the back.
- Hank Moody: [to obnoxious cuckolded boyfriend] Yo, K-Fed, the little man on the boat? he's up here, that's where he is, right here.
- [forms V with fingers and suggestively 'licks' towards top]
- Hank Moody: I was just trying to have a little chat with your husband up there.
- Nun: Is there something I can help you with?
- Hank Moody: Oh no, I don't want to bother a real live person about it.
- Mia Gross: Hey, that was really cool what you did tonight, it's nice to see some good old fashion family values in this morally bankrupt city of ours.
- Hank Moody: That's me, I'm all about the family values.
- Mia Gross: What happened to your eye?
- Karen Van Der Beek: Yeah what did happen to your eye, Hank?
- Hank Moody: Well, you should see the other guy.
- Mia Gross: I hope she doesn't press charges.
- Hank Moody: It was not a "she", it was a "he", the other guy.
- Mia Gross: Right, or whatever I'm off to bed, good night. It was nice to meet you, Hank.
- Hank Moody: Nice to meet you, too.
- [first lines]
- Hank Moody: [to Jesus] Hey, big guy, you and me. We've never done this before but desperate times call for desperate measures. My name is Hank.
- Nun: Hello, Hank.
- Becca: So, who won that round?
- Hank Moody: Oh, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
- Becca: Looks like a fun game.
- Hank Moody: You think I made her laugh?
- Becca: Sure. A little. On the inside.
- Karen Van Der Beek: Well, Bill and I never touched each other till we were dead and buried.
- Hank Moody: Okay, are you trying to make me throw up now?
- Nun: Well, normally I would suggest a bunch of Our Fathers or a couple of Hail Marys, but I don't think that's going to get it done. What about a blowjob?
- Hank Moody: Hm?
- Nun: A blowjob. Would that make you feel any better?
- Hank Moody: A blowjob from you?
- Nun: Well, something tells me it's not going to suck itself, Hank.
- Becca Moody: Father?
- Hank Moody: Daughter?
- Becca Moody: Can I ask you something?
- Hank Moody: Anything, my dear.
- Becca Moody: Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?
- Hank Moody: You wait right there, OK?
- Becca Moody: There's no hair on the vagina. Do you think she's OK?
- Hank Moody: I'll check.
- Hank Moody: [drove home trouserless] Ladies. Dad's trying out a new look.
- [growls and struts like an alpha baboon in underpants]
- Hank Moody: What do you think?
- Becca: Dad?
- Hank Moody: Yes?
- Becca: Are you mentally insane?
- Hank Moody: [kisses her] Yes. But I'm extremely high-functioning.
- Karen Van Der Beek: He's much like a special-needs person that works at McDonald's.
- Hank Moody: Exactly. I'm late and I'm sorry and... I'm not wearing any pants, but I would like to invite you two ladies to join me. Take your pants off and come with me to the pants-off restaurant.
- Karen Van Der Beek: Sounds tempting. But I've got plans, okay?
- Hank Moody: Oh, must be date night.
- Karen Van Der Beek: Yeah.