[Monk is morosely fishing for advice on a different career]
Adrian Monk: What about you, Mr. Davenport? What do you do?
Peggy Davenport: He inherits money.
Adrian Monk: I could do that. I think I'd be good at that.
Adrian Monk: What's it like, drinking in the morning? Is it wonderful?
Peggy Davenport: [nursing a Bloody Mary] Yeah, it's pretty great.
Adrian Monk: Natalie... frog! There's a frog!
Natalie Teeger: Are you afraid of frogs?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, I've never been this close to one before.
[the frog hops closer to his foot]
Adrian Monk: Yes! Yes! Put it on the list! Natalie, where's the list?
Paul Buchanan: [meets Monk for the job interview] All right, so you're here from the agency. Where's your resume?
Adrian Monk: I lost it.
Paul Buchanan: You lost your resume. Well that doesn't bode well, does it. What's your name?
Adrian Monk: Adrian...
Paul Buchanan: Adrian?
Adrian Monk: [looks at the spine of a copy of the book "Moby Dick" by Herman Melville] Melville. Adrian Melville.
Paul Buchanan: Tell me, Melville. Who have you worked with? Anybody I know.
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, I don't think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco... Stottlemeyers, Randy Disher, Dr. Charles Kroger...
Paul Buchanan: Never heard of them.
Adrian Monk: ...and Natalie Teeger.
Paul Buchanan: Natalie? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me and wouldn't leave me alone.
Adrian Monk: Is that right?
[referring to the fact that earlier, Natalie told him that Paul Buchanan beat up her boyfriend in high school]
Paul Buchanan: How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo?
Adrian Monk: [surprised] She has a tattoo?
Paul Buchanan: Well you wouldn't have seen it, not where she put it.
[He takes a drink]
Paul Buchanan: Look, I'm having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It would make the afternoon a whole lot better.
Adrian Monk: I don't think... maybe.
Paul Buchanan: Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut, and my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that's good enough for me. Congratulations, you're my new butler.
Natalie Teeger: [while reading outside at her parent's house, a maid comes up to her and hands her a phone] Hello? Oh, Mr. Monk, thank God.
Adrian Monk: [in his bedroom, speaking with a butler-esque accent] I'm going to need you to come and get me now.
Natalie Teeger: What happened? Where are you?
Adrian Monk: I'm in my bedroom. I work here now, I'm the butler.
Natalie Teeger: You're the butler?
Adrian Monk: Yes, you're old boyfriend just hired me. I'm the new manservant.
Natalie Teeger: I think that's great!
Adrian Monk: Really, do you think it's "great"?
[Paul Buchanan finishes looking at the completed luncheon table that Monk has carefully organized and straightened out]
Paul Buchanan: Well I don't have to remind you about how important these stupid luncheons are! The old bats are gunning for me. They want me to screw up, they *expect* me to screw up! And I intend to dissapoint them. Mr. Melville.
Adrian Monk: [standing in front of a covered canvas] Thank you. Mr. Pepperidge?
[Mr. Pepperidge pulls the tarp off the canvas, revealing a map of the house]
Adrian Monk: I've divided the house into four zones.
Susie the Maid: Mr. Stilson normally has us start in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: [retracts his pointer] Mr. Stilson is no longer with us. So from now on we're going to be cleaning the house my way. The Monk way.
Susie the Maid: Who's Monk?
Adrian Monk: [quickly improvising so as to avoid blowing his cover] You see... I grew up in a monastery and the monks were very demanding. We were cleaning constantly, 18 hours a day. Mostly dusting. It was very dusty. Crypts, catacombs, it was holy dust. But still... you know... dust. And that is the Monk way.
Paul Buchanan: Well you heard the man. We'll be doing it the Monk way.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Melville, will you help me with my coat?
[Monk follows Natalie into another room]
Adrian Monk: How did you do that?
[referring to Natalie feigning her pregnancy]
Natalie Teeger: See, Mr. Monk, when two people love each other, they want to express that love.
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: It's a pillow.
911 Dispatcher: [on the 9-1-1 call] 9-1-1. What is your emergency?
Paul Buchanan: [impersonating his father] My wife! She's dead!
911 Dispatcher: Where are you?
Paul Buchanan: On Sweeney Road. Right near Spider Lake. I'm feeling her pulse! She's definitely dead! She's not breathing, her neck is broken. I don't think I can
[fakes coughing, simulating a heart attack]
Paul Buchanan: Oh God! I can't breath!
911 Dispatcher: Are you all right?
Paul Buchanan: My heart!
[the line goes dead]
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the Buchanan estate's driveway]
Adrian Monk: Wow.
Natalie Teeger: I know, wow. 14 bedrooms.
Adrian Monk: And he wanted to marry you?
Natalie Teeger: Okay let me just tell you something about Paul Buchanan. He basically stalked me for three years, all during high school. He just kept on asking me out. He wouldn't take "drop dead" for an answer. The week before my senior prom, somebody mugged my boyfriend. They broke his jaw and both of his legs.
Adrian Monk: 14 bedrooms.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he beat up my boyfriend, or hired some thug to do it! He thinks he can get away with anything.
Adrian Monk: Like killing his father?
Natalie Teeger: I wouldn't put it past him. Okay so the Morgan is in the garage. He hasn't even bothered to fix it.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie Teeger: My father saw it the last time he was here.
[Monk starts compulsively reorganizing the wrenches on a toolchest]
Burly Mechanic: Can I help you? What the hell are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Sorry. I was just...
Burly Mechanic: Are you here for the job interview?
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes. The interview. Yes.
Adrian Monk: I can't go in there alone. That would be like me going in some place alone.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if he sees you, you can talk yourself out of it. But if he sees me, it's be horrible. It'd be like high school all over again! Here, in case you need it.
[She hands Monk a phone]
Adrian Monk: [measures the distance between utensils] This fork is a centimeter too close.
Mrs. Murphy: It's only a centimeter.
Adrian Monk: For the want of a nail, Mrs. Murphy, the kingdom was lost.
Mrs. Murphy: Mr. Melville, shall we begin the main course, sir?
Adrian Monk: Yes, thank you, Mrs. Murphy.
Mrs. Murphy: [notices Natalie sipping from a cocktail glass] Should you be drinking that?
[Natalie puts the glass down. Remember that she is pretending to be pregnant]
Edward Stilson: It won't happen again.
Paul Buchanan: You got that right.
[pulls out a gun and shoots Stilson on the spot]
Paul Buchanan: [Then, to the dead body... ] Thank you, Stilson. That will be all.
[He then burns one of Stilson's letters]
[Monk alternates between quail and duck at the main course. He hands Sylvia a plate with duck]
Guest Sylvia: Uh, I'll have some quail, please.
Adrian Monk: He took the quail. We're alternating.
Guest Sylvia: I prefer the quail.
Adrian Monk: It's just that, we've been going quail, duck, quail, duck, quail, duck...
Guest Sylvia: I don't like duck.
Adrian Monk: Then you'll have to sit over there.
Guest Sylvia: I have to change seats?
Adrian Monk: Fine.
[He puts the plate with the duck back and puts a plate of quail in front of her]
Adrian Monk: Two quails, right next to each other.
[Takes Sylvia's fork and sticks it in the plate at an odd angle]
Adrian Monk: Enjoy.