[Brian and Jillian have broken up and Brian moved back in with the Griffins]
Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your
Lois Griffin: book!
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!
Chris Griffin: Wow! You were almost in a dirt-bike race!
Carl: Yeah... I filled out most of the paper work, too.
Chris Griffin: You are the coolest guy I have ever met!
Meg Griffin: [walks on screen] Hey guys! Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me.
Carl: Ah... ya know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? I need Chris up here with me.
Meg Griffin: But the boxes are really heavy!
Carl: Uh... that's 'cause there's a bunch a' stuff in them.
Chris Griffin: [starts laughing as if on cue] Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Meg Griffin: [sighs and leaves]
Carl: Hey... Chris... have you ever seen the movie "Cruel Intentions?"
Chris Griffin: No.
Carl: Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out... it's pretty hot. 47 minutes, 16 seconds in.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what another good movie is, "Career Opportunities" with Jennifer Connoly. I mean, that's one of those movies where... she's... really hot in it... but it's also a good movie.
Chris Griffin: She was in "A Beautiful Mind" and I gotta say the direction was excellent but I was very disappointed that she... uh... wore clothes the entire film.
Carl: Was she hot in it?
Chris Griffin: Yeah, in the way that like classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya' know?
Chris Griffin: Alright... so ya' see a hot girl, and you're like okay... I appreciate your exterior beauty because you've definitely worked at it with the clothing... and the jewlery and the make-up. But, secretly I'm like... hey man... where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?
Carl: Wow... you're smart.
Chris Griffin: Wha... What?
Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you were spending the day with Jillian.
Brian: I was, but Peter took her off my hands. Perfect timing; I've been feeling a little smothered lately. Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. And I finally have a title.
Lois Griffin: Oh, what is it?
Brian: Faster Than the Speed of Love.
Lois Griffin: [chuckles] That is... that is the worst title I've ever heard.
Brian: No, i-it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country.
Lois Griffin: [laughs] That's the movie Iron Eagle!
Brian: What? Is that-is that a recent film?
Lois Griffin: [still laughing] They made three sequels!
Brian: Yeah, well, i-in mine the boy's gotta gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father.
Lois Griffin: [laughing harder] That's one of the sequels!
[she takes her laundry and leaves the room laughing]
Brian: Well-well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway!
Lois Griffin: [off camera; laughing hysterically] I'm gonna pee my pants!
Stewie Griffin: That's right, I'm paying Mr.Lickety-Self's half of the rent.
Jillian: Is that true?
Brian Griffin: All right, yes, fine, it's true.
Jillian: Why didn't you say anything?
Brian Griffin: Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to...
Jillian: Wait, you didn't wanna move in with me?
Brian Griffin: Well... honestly, no.
Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Brian Griffin: Really?
Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through!
[Jillian grabs her clothes and leaves]
Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait!
Brian Griffin: Damn it!
Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning.
[Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see.
[the light turns back on; Stewie is staring Brian dead in the face with a smirk on his face. Brian then punches him out of bed]
Meg Griffin: Supervisor?
Carl: Yeah... I promoted him this morning.
Chris Griffin: Promoted me this morning!
Meg Griffin: What? Carl... you promised me that assistant manager job!
Carl: Uh... Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see "Broken Lizard's Club Dread?"
Meg Griffin: No.
Carl: Well... go see that movie and absorb it's message and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about.
Meg Griffin: Carl... this isn't fair!
Carl: Alright, then... you're fired.
Meg Griffin: What? Bu... you ca...
[cries and runs off screen]
Carl: Don' worry about it Chris, she'll be fine. Oh... hey... by the way... You know who's hot in kind of a screwed up way? Mary Stewart Masterson.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, yeah... in that kinda you think you could get her 'cause she could be your brother kinda thing... like she's gettable. Ya' know. Like, like, like, Elizabeth Shu.
Carl: Oh, yeah, I remember her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, ya' know she was in "Leaving Las Vegas" in addition to "Adventures In Babysitting." One of those under rated actresses who never really popped, if ya' know what I'm saying.
Carl: Who? Elizabeth Shu?
Chris Griffin: Yeah. Like totally naked in "Leaving Las Vegas," but... um... still so hot.
Carl: I don't see hard films.
Chris Griffin: Like crazy hot... It's like 39 minutes 45 seconds in. Really exceptional sequence, I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol, he's a failed writer who just decides hey I'm gonna have a big glass a' rye in Las Vegas. Then he, meets a whore and pays her a bunch a' money to stay with him, and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. And she's game for it, but she catches his feeling midway through and the whole thing changes.
Carl: Wow. Have you seen "Cocktail?"
Chris Griffin: Yeah... yeah.
Carl: She was in that.
Chris Griffin: She... was in that.
Carl: Hey there buddy... check it out... I put a crawler in the Jerry's Kid's jar. I thought that'd be funny.
Chris Griffin: That is hilarious, but Carl, I want you to hire my sister back.
Carl: No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass... I don't want her back in here.
Chris Griffin: Well... that's a shame, 'cause I watched "Event Horizon" last night.
Carl: No way! We have to talk about it!
Chris Griffin: Well... uh... my memory's kinda hasty.
Carl: We have to talk about every scene... man! Hey, hey, hey... 'member when Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode, wasn't that awesome! Please agree with me that that was awesome!
Chris Griffin: Well... maybe if you hired Meg back, maybe I'll have an opinion.
Carl: SHE'S HIRED! What do ya' think of it?
Chris Griffin: It was AWESOME!
Carl: Wasn't it AWESOME!
Chris Griffin: It was totally AWESOME!