Quotes

Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script. The script reads me.

Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...

[pause]

Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded.

Kirk Lazarus: Damn!

Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.

Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.

Tugg Speedman: Yeah!

Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.

Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.

Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.

Tugg Speedman: Yeah!

Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived.

Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character.

Kevin Sandusky: Tugg. Tugger. You're the last piece of the puzzle buddy. We need you! Your men need you. Are you with us?

Tugg Speedman: [pause] I'm a rooster illusion.

Kevin Sandusky: Fuck it. We'll deal with him later.

Jeff Portnoy: [to Four Leaf] You grew hands?

Cody: Damian, what's the dealie dude? Are we gonna blow up this tree line or what? Tuk-Tuk and Kim got the blue balls and I wanna let em squirt it for a go... Peter, can he hear me?

[one of the men bring a box to Cody]

Cody: That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator! I need some dudes who speak American god dammit! He's making a fucking sweater here, I'm tryin' to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts.

[Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]

Jeff Portnoy: Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.

Alpa Chino: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy!

Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.

Tugg Speedman: [the boy hands him a box, he removes the cloth from the box and looks inside] A little twig-man oscar. I 'm going to call you half-squat, and you can call me... papa

Kirk Lazarus: Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.

Cody: [after blowing up a row of palm trees with napalm] Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!

Alpa Chino: That's the theme song for the Jeffersons!

Kirk Lazarus: Man, just cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.

Les Grossman: Speedman is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That's physics. It's inevitable.

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.

Les Grossman: The universe... is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.

[turns on Flo Rider's "Low" and begins to dance to the beat]

Les Grossman: See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun! Ask... and you shall receive!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: [dancing along] Right...

Les Grossman: You play ball... we play ball. I knoowwww... you want the goodies!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Welcome to the goodie room!

Les Grossman: You paying attention? I'm talking... G5, Pecker! That's how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa... playa! Big dick playa!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Swinging past ya knees!

Les Grossman: Big dick, baby!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Yep.

Les Grossman: [turns off the music] Or... you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.

Rick Peck: Let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone, for some money and a G5?

Les Grossman: Yes.

Rick Peck: [pause] A G5 airplane?

Les Grossman: [whispering] Yes... and lots of money... playaaaa!

[turns on the music and dances again]

Byong: We no get money yet. Price now 100 million. You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack Die!

Les Grossman: Great. Let me get this down. 100 million... Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fuck yourself.

Cody: [rigging a bridge with explosives] That's it! I'm going into catering after this!

Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's complicated.

Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It's simple as pie man, you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's in the story"... What's her name?

Alpa Chino: ...Lance

Kirk Lazarus: You say 'Listen here, Lance'... Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?

Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance?

Alpa Chino: No! I said Nance. That's what I said

Kevin Sandusky: It sounded a lot like Lance.

Alpa Chino: Dammit, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy', aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars.

Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!

[Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]

Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?

Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I've never been outside the states.

Cody: Wait what? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? Dude you weren't even in the fucking service?

Four Leaf Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!

Cody: Coast Guard.

Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department.

Cody: Oh my god! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole U.S. of A.!

Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot!

Cody: Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - it's like punching the American Flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!

Four Leaf Tayback: Writers lie all the time!

Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?

Kirk Lazarus: You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man.

Jeff Portnoy: I don't wanna die like Hendrix man!

Alpa Chino: [why he's in the movie] I had to represent. Cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!

Kirk Lazarus: Pump your breaks, kid, that man's a national treasure.

Jeff Portnoy: [after catching the bat that stole his drugs] Ha! Motherfucker ODed!

Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it.

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les!

Les Grossman: I will fucking massacre you!

Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg] We're tired of being your trail donkeys! Wandering around the jungle like you some kinda one man GPS! We lost man! We fucking lost!

Kirk Lazarus: [to Kevin] Tell him McKlutsky! Tell him what time it is!

Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.

[cocks his gun]

Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!"

Tugg Speedman: What?

Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."

Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy. So why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass...

Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging...

Kirk Lazarus: [in black voice] He's right, you know? I'm NOT Sergeant Lincoln Osiris...

[rips off fake hair to reveal blonde hair]

Kirk Lazarus: [in Irish accent while taking fake sideburns off] ... nor am I Father O'Mallie...

Kirk Lazarus: [in low growl voice, while removing fake beard] ... or Neil Armstrong...

[Removes contact lenses to reveal blue eyes underneath]

Kirk Lazarus: [in natural Australian accent] I... I think I might be nobody.

Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!

Cody: [setting off a rig of explosives] Big ass titties!

Jeff Portnoy: [shoves drugs in guards' faces] Take this you bastards! Oh hilarious!

[the guards drop to the ground]

Jeff Portnoy: Let's move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up!

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half Squat.

Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?

Alpa Chino: [slaps Lazarus] Told you I'd tag you back.

Kirk Lazarus: Can I tell you I'm sorry for any offense I might've caused, man? I just got caught up in bein'...

Alpa Chino: In bein' a dumbass?

Kirk Lazarus: I guess so.

Alpa Chino: Why you still doin' the chicken-George shit? I have no idea.

Kirk Lazarus: Neither do I.

Alpa Chino: It's beyond me.

Kirk Lazarus: It's beyond me.

Alpa Chino: You confused.

Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused.

Alpa Chino: I know.

Kirk Lazarus: [after a long pause] But are we cool?

Alpa Chino: Not really.

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe it's because I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in here for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!

Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.

Alpa Chino: I just wanted to thrown another shrimp on your barbie!

Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.

Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas... it's hot! We're tired! It stinks!

Alpa Chino: I ain't fuckin' with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry the dingo ate your baby!

Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost a kid. You're about to cross some fuckin' lines.

Kevin Sandusky: Guys, relax!

Alpa Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-huntin' nigga tellin' me-

[is cut off as Lazarus slaps him; goes to punch back]

Kirk Lazarus: [blocking the punch and pulling Alpa into an embrace] For four hundred years, that word has kept us down.

Alpa Chino: What the fuck?

Kirk Lazarus: Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the big leagues, gettin' our turn at bat. As long as we live, it's you and me, baby...

Alpa Chino: [pulling away] That's the theme song to The Jeffersons. Man, you really need help.

Kirk Lazarus: Just because it's a theme song don't mean it's not true.

[opening line]

Four Leaf Tayback: In the Winter of 1969, an elite force of the US Army was sent on a top secret assignment in Southeast Vietnam. The objective: rescue Sgt. Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp. The mission was considered to be near-suicide. Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published. And of those two, only one got a movie deal. This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie.

Kirk Lazarus: Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion.

Alpa Chino: Drink Booty Sweat, baby! Drink Booty Sweat!

Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah, get him chuggin' on some of Alpa's ass-water. That'll bring him around, it's a cure-all...

Cody: Just say no to this, you drug-making midget!

[an explosion occurs]

Cody: Oh my God! I am moving to catering after this!

Tugg Speedman: My son gave this to me.

Kirk Lazarus: That's your stick buddy?

Tugg Speedman: His name is Twiggman.

Kirk Lazarus: Does he want to come with us?

Kevin Sandusky: Hey, Radar. Elvins.

Kevin Sandusky: It's Kevin.

Jeff Portnoy: Kev - whatever the fuck, come over here. I didn't tell you, but Fatties Fart 3 is coming down the pike and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.

Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out.

Jeff Portnoy: Your mother's a cankerous whore!

Kevin Sandusky: Jesus, man!

Jeff Portnoy: Hey, man, remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not.

Rick Peck: [about Speedman] They're going to kill him!

Les Grossman: And we'll weep for him... in the press, set up a scholarship in his name, eventually - and I'm talkin' way, way down the road - we file an insurance claim.

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Preferably before the end of the fiscal year. Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose.

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half-Squat

Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is "Half-Squat"?

Les Grossman: Fuck the jungle!

Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole, this muthafucka's dead ain't no Chris Angel Mind Freak, David Blaine trap door, horseshit jumpin' off here.

Tugg Speedman: Hey, you wanna get on the train here or you wanna ruin another take, huh?

Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture!

Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?

Kirk Lazarus: Oh yea.

Tugg Speedman: Yeah?

Kirk Lazarus: For certain man.

Tugg Speedman: Then why are you still in character? Hm?

Kirk Lazarus: [pause] I know but I don't have to tell you...

Tugg Speedman: You don't know.

Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

Kirk Lazarus: [referring to Damien dying] He ain't acting like God. He being judged by him.

Kirk Lazarus: Cover me!

Kevin Sandusky: [Others are yelling at him to come back in helicopter] How do we cover him?

Kirk Lazarus: You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"

Tugg Speedman: It's Me Tugg.

Kirk Lazarus: That's right! Now, Tugg who?

Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?

Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.

Kevin Sandusky: What?

Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don't know what dude he is!

Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...

Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?

Tugg Speedman: ...by playing other dudes.

Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am!

Tugg Speedman: You're scared.

Kirk Lazarus: I ain't scared. Scared of what?

Tugg Speedman: Or scared of who?

Kirk Lazarus: Scared of who!

Kevin Sandusky: Come on guys. We really need to go!

Tugg Speedman: Scared of you!

Kirk Lazarus: How's it goin' with that map, Chief?

Tugg Speedman: Huh?

Kirk Lazarus: Can I have a look at it?

Tugg Speedman: I got it. Yeah. Damien gave it to me, remember?

Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.

Tugg Speedman: Uh-Huh. Yeah.

Kirk Lazarus: Okay.

Tugg Speedman: I got it.

Kirk Lazarus: You got it upside down.

Tugg Speedman: Thank you.

Kirk Lazarus: Letters go one way and the numbers another. I'm just. Dude, I'm tryin'. I got your back man.

Tugg Speedman: Well I-I'm cool, alright?

Kirk Lazarus: You are cool?

Tugg Speedman: Yeah, but...

Kirk Lazarus: Is your character dyslectic?

Tugg Speedman: No, the character is not dyslec...

Kirk Lazarus: So you a cartographer!

[Peck bursts into Grossman's office unannounced]

Les Grossman: What do you need, Peck?

Rick Peck: What do YOU need, Les? Glasses?

Les Grossman: ...What?

Kirk Lazarus: Want some? Get Some!

Tugg Speedman: That's the trailer right there.

Tugg Speedman: Look, Kirk, no offense. I know you're the big, fancy actor here, but I've done a lot more effect-driven films than you have and I think I can spot...

[Picks up Damien's severed head]

Tugg Speedman: a prop head when I see one!

[People around him gag]

Tugg Speedman: It's corn syrup, guys! Corn syrup and latex.

[Digs his fingers inside the head and gets a taste; gets disgusted look on his face]

Tugg Speedman: Warm... blood-flavored corn syrup.

Alpa Chino: Then what are we supposed to do, huh, 'cause he's cleaning a gun with no bullets. Now that's the plan?

Kirk Lazarus: I'm just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he's nervous.

Kirk Lazarus: [about Damian] Hey asshole. This motherfucker's dead. Ain't no Chriss Angel Mindfreak David Blaine Trapdoor shit jumping off here

Tugg Speedman: Hey, You wanna get in line or do you want blow another take.

Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no takes. Ain't no goddamn motion picture

Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?

Kirk Lazarus: Oh yeah

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around. "Crisis", "explosion", "not rolling", "fired". These are just words.

Les Grossman: [talking to Peck] Look fuck-stick, I'm incredibly busy, so why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass.

Les Grossman: [Peck looks dumbfounded] No, not you Helen, but I will rip your tits off if you don't get me those theatres.

Kevin Sandusky: You guys all read the script, right?

Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script, script reads me.

[pause]

Kevin Sandusky: What the hell does that even mean?

Kirk Lazarus: [shouting] What you getting at with the book, scripts, spit that shit out, man!

[He smiles then frowns]

Alpa Chino: What the hell? That was a *bat*, man!

Rick Peck: [to Tugg] Yo Tuggernuts! It's the Pecker!

Jeff Portnoy: Let me tell you something. A lot of people are disrespecting me. They say that the movie's just about farts. It's about family, and f...

[swear word gets bleeped]

Jeff Portnoy: ... you! You can't do what I do.

Kevin Sandusky: Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray disc, others backing HD DVD. People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate, and they're pretty much the same. What it came down to was a combination between gamers and porn. Now, whichever format porno backs is usually the one that becomes the uh most successful. But, you know, Sony, every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.

Kirk Lazarus: You talkin' to me this whole time?

Kevin Sandusky: I was talking to whoever was listening.

Kirk Lazarus: Jesus Christ, man!