Chuck Bartowski: [seeing General Beckman on the TV] Wow, that new high-def screen sure shows every wrinkle.
John Casey: They can hear you.
Chuck Bartowski: What? Twinkle! Every twinkle... in her eye... eyes...
[under the influence of a truth serum]
Chuck Bartowski: [looks at Sarah] God you're so pretty!
Chuck Bartowski: [looks at Casey] ... and Casey, your jaw was chiseled my Michelangelo himself.
John Casey: Thank you.
Chuck Bartowski: [Sarah kisses Chuck] Is that a - real kiss, or a cover kiss? Cause I'm confused right now.
Sarah Walker: It's a "we have a international security emergency and I need to speak to you privately" kiss.
Chuck Bartowski: See? I knew I felt something.
Sarah Walker: Okay, fine, I'll answer one question about my past. You've earned that much.
Chuck Bartowski: ...No thanks. I don't need to know more about who you were. 'Cause as much as you don't think so, I know who you are: a girl I'd like to share a cheeseburger with. Should I get a knife? I'll get a knife.
Sarah Walker: That won't be necessary.
[Sarah rolls up one of her pant legs, pulls out a knife and gives it to Chuck]
Chuck Bartowski: That's... awesome! And a little disturbing.
Chuck Bartowski: Excuse me. I'm sorry, General. But who in my life *isn't* a spy? My sister? My best friend? Should I just start asking people when I first meet them, "Hi I'd like the extra value meal, and while we're on the topic, do you covertly work for a government faction?"
Sylvia Arculin: Charles, I didn't expect you to come so quickly.
Chuck Bartowski: Charles Carmichael *always* comes quickly.
Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: That's awesome.
Ellie Bartowski: What about you any revelations? Any ideas what you'll do next?
Chuck Bartowski: Uh, yeah, a few.
Ellie Bartowski: If you say pilot the Millennium Falcon, I *will* hit you.
Chuck Bartowski: Uh, why would I say that? That's absurd. I'm going to be a ninja assasin.
Ellie Bartowski: No! Try again.
Chuck Bartowski: Um. Olympic...
Ellie Bartowski: Uh uh.
Chuck Bartowski: [slight pause] Secret Agent.
Ellie Bartowski: This is what happens when you sit in front of the television set too long.
Sarah Walker: Come any closer, I shoot!
John Casey: You shoot him, I shoot you, I leave both your bodies here and go out for a late night snack. I'm thinking maybe pancakes.
Morgan Grimes: Ellie, would you characterize me as immature?
Ellie Bartowski: Do you really want me to answer that?
Sarah Walker: What about me?
Chuck Bartowski: [chuckles] You're really going to make me say it.
Chuck Bartowski: Wow, okay. Fine. All right we'll play it your way... A girl like you, or more appropriately, a *woman* like you. Considering the fact that you could probably kick the ass of everyone in this joint. And a smart one too. Not to mention, cool... and extremely beautiful. And - and - you can stop me any time with the compliments if they're becoming... you know...
Sarah Walker: No, that's very... sweet.
Chuck Bartowski: "Sweet?" Golly gee, thanks for making me feel like I'm 8.
Sarah Walker: [slight chuckle] You're not so bad yourself.
Chuck Bartowski: [sarcastically] Please. I'm fantastic.
Sarah Walker: [seriously] Yeah. You are.
Sarah Walker: So you want us to break into a government controlled crime scene?
John Casey: It's the F.B.I., how hard can it be?
Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: [Chuck is ignoring Sarah's calls] Yeah, sometimes you gotta play hard to get. Cold and detached is a very powerful aphrodisiac, babe.
Ellie Bartowski: So is abstinence, you want to try it?
John Casey: [to Chuck after Sarah spills wine on Chuck's pants] Not the first American tax dollars wasted on a man's lap.
Chuck Bartowski: [mimicking Casey's voice] Well thanks for saving my life today, Chuck.
Chuck Bartowski: Any time, Casey. Yeah, you know what you're my friend.
Chuck Bartowski: [mimicking Casey's voice] Yeah you're my friend too.
Chuck Bartowski: That's really kind of you, Casey. Have a good night.
John Casey: [seriously] Thank you.
Jeff Barnes: Does it shock you that 80 percent of my encounters with women have been without their knowledge?
Chuck Bartowski: Honestly, I'm more surprised by the other 20 percent.
Lester Patel: Yeah, sure it's going to blow their minds, but uh, where does all this *lead*? Stadium, groupies, creative differences? And then what? Jeffster breaks up? That's you and me, Jeff! And then what's my fate? Some chambermaid finds me in some hotel room having accidentally asphyxiated while making love to myself! It's not worth it!
[Storms out. Jeff turns and faces Ellie and Awesome]
Jeff Barnes: He's such a tortured artist.
John Casey: Bartowski, you're like the poster child for friendly fire.
General Diane Beckman: I wanted a private word with you. Pardon the intrusion.
Chuck Bartowski: On this moment or my life in general?
Chuck Bartowski: Guys... I know kung fu.
Chuck Bartowski: You belong out there. Save the world. I'm just - I'm just not that guy.
Sarah Walker: How many times do you have to be a hero to realize that you *are* that guy?
Chuck Bartowski: Look something's wrong with me. I don't know what, but something is very, very wrong with me. I'm remembering things I shouldn't know.
Sarah Walker: Talk to me, Chuck, like what?
Chuck Bartowski: I don't know, I don't know... Like there was a Serbian demolitions expert at the Large Mart today. don't you think that's a little odd?
John Casey: Relax, I think I see a scenario where we both get out with acceptable losses.
Chuck Bartowski: What *exactly* is your version of acceptable?
John Casey: Breaks, punctures, possible loss of a limb, no major organ damage.
Chuck Bartowski: You want to go on a date with me some time? I mean a date without aliases, and spy gear, and no mission.
Sarah Walker: Like a *real* date?
Chuck Bartowski: Yeah.
Sarah Walker: Chuck,
[clears throat checks to make sure no one is listening]
Sarah Walker: I'm still a CIA agent. And there are a hundred reasons why I shouldn't do that.
Chuck Bartowski: What do you have to lose? In a week, you're going to be undercover somewhere in some place like Jakarta, in a knife fight with some evil doer and in that exact moment you're going to wish you would have spent one night of fun with me.
Sarah Walker: ...Okay.
Chuck Bartowski: Well it may not be the steamiest, but we probably have the strangest relationship in Los Angeles.
Sarah Walker: Doubt that. Morgan's still dating, right?
Chuck Bartowski: Good point.
Chuck Bartowski: Wait. So not only did we *not* get the Fulcrum list, but Jill's never going to speak to me again because she caught me naked rinsing off fruit punch with another woman?
John Casey: Common spy problem.
Chuck Bartowski: [sarcastically] Really?
Chuck Bartowski: I'm just too trusting. Ever since I was a kid, I really wanted to believe what everyone else told me, you know? I'm just getting used to this new job, with the spying and lying.
Sarah Walker: Don't get used to it. What makes you special is that you're not like every other spy. You're a good guy and you want to help people. Leave the deception to me.
John Casey: Sure thing, Chuck. I'll just call all the criminals and rogue spies and let them know to hold on a second because Chuck Bartowski needs to sort out his lady feelings.
Chuck Bartowski: Dad's going to walk you down the aisle.
Ellie Bartowski: You can't... say that Chuck. I know you want that for me, but we haven't heard from him in a really long time.
Chuck Bartowski: Yeah well, I'm going to find him. I'm a smart guy, I can do that. And when he hears about the wedding, he'll be here for you.
Ellie Bartowski: Come on. You really think he'll make it?
Chuck Bartowski: I guarantee it.
Chuck Bartowski: The guy is a total loser, all right. Absolute bottom feeding scum of the Earth. Have I mentioned considerably *older* man!
Jack Burton: [from behind] All true, but I'm a hell of a dancer.
Sarah Walker: Chuck, I'd like you to meet my *dad*, Jack Burton. Dad, this is my boyfriend, Chuck.
Chuck Bartowski: [clears throat] A real pleasure, sir.
Jeff Barnes: If I could travel in time, I'd go to Lester's birth. I'd love to see the look on your face when you emerge from the vaginal canal.
Chuck Bartowski: But it's - it's Christmas. Look I'm not buying the whole Scrooge act. Underneath that spy cover is a regular person, just like the rest of us. I mean honestly, how weird could Christmas have been for you?
Sarah Walker: Christmas at the Burton household meant the annual Salvation Army con job.
Chuck Bartowski: Okay, you're a little different than the rest of us.
Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: I know you guys work at Buy More, but I'm a doctor, okay? I take risks every day. This is a matter of life or death. Someone needs to man up and take action. Someone needs to be a hero.
Ellie Bartowski: No they don't, Devon. Being a hero is being alive to take care of friends and family.
Sarah Walker: Well, you don't have plans, do you?
Chuck Bartowski: Would it be so crazy if I did have plans? Plans that involved something other than fixing computers or playing hot potato with a thermite grenade?
John Casey: Yes.
Chuck Bartowski: Casey, I'm handcuffed.
John Casey: Relax, handcuffs are a cinch.
Chuck Bartowski: Really?
John Casey: Yeah, there's a bone in your thumb. Tiny bone. Real easy to break. What you're gonna wanna do is apply torsional pressure until it snaps.
Chuck Bartowski: I'm not going to break my bone!
John Casey: Well in that case, you are screwed!
Sarah Walker: No, I get it he's your best friend.
Chuck Bartowski: You know you say that, but I don't think you have a clue what it means. Sarah, I don't have parents. I don't really talk about it because that's the way things are now. But it wasn't always this way. Morgan was there the first day my mom took off. He didn't say much. Because honestly what's a fifth grader supposed to say? But we sat there and split a cherry cheesecake and played Legend of Zelda all night long. And my dad, well that's - that's a whole other story. But Morgan was there for that too. Morgan is more than just my best friend. He's my family! Before you got here, and long after you've gone, Morgan is my family!
Sarah Walker: ...Last night we failed to learn the contents of the Triad's container. And now we don't know what kind of drugs or weapons are floating around the city. And while I appreciate your friendship with Morgan. Losing sight of that container endangers many people's best friends, not just yours Chuck.
Cole Barker: Just doing my job, General. Actually, Chuck showed great courage on this mission. He got injured in the line of duty.
John Casey: He got clipped by a window sill. It's as pathetic as it sounds.
Cole Barker: I have to say, Chuck, you are truly the most... *special* agent I've ever worked with.
John Casey: Heh. Special.
Big Mike: Payback!
Morgan Grimes: I see, does this payback involve illegal activities?
Big Mike: It damn well better!
Chuck Bartowski: [pointing a gun at Casey] I know what I'm doing.
John Casey: You have no idea. You're entering a world of pain, Chuck.
Chuck Bartowski: I want this Intersect out of my head. Are you going to help me or not?
John Casey: You gotta be... is that a tranq gun? You don't even have the common courtesy to threaten me with an actual firearm!
Ted Roark: Put him in the helicopter. Kill the CIA agent.
Steve Bartowski: He's my son.
Ted Roark: He's your son? Congratulations! That's great! I had no idea! Kill the son.
Lester Patel: I mean people, do you have any idea what working with fried food will do to my complexion?
Jeff Barnes: I can't leave the Buy More. I won't survive in the real world. I'm institutionalized.
Chuck Bartowski: I've spent the last year of my life being tortured, dangled off skyscrapers, bathed in sewage. Stop me if I've forgotten any glamorous perks of this job. I've continually done everything that you guys have asked me to do. But once my dad gets kidnapped, all you can say is "Sorry?"
Chuck Bartowski: I have very sensitive sinuses.
John Casey: Well 9mm of hot lead should clear that right out! Did you really think you could run away from me? Let's go!
Ted Roark: Of course, if this doesn't work, I'm afraid I'm going to have to go back to that bit where I kill everybody.
Chuck Bartowski: What if it does work?
Ted Roark: If it does work, same result. But you know, you should root for it. Nobody likes a cynic.
John Casey: [after discovering that Devon has broken into his apartment] I hate this whole family.
Chuck Bartowski: Oh God, someone shoot me now.
Ted Roark: I can help you with that, Chuck. A real shotgun wedding. Just think. That terrible pun is the last thing you'll ever hear.
Chuck Bartowski: Look, what if I surrender and you run. I mean I'm going into a cell anyway. What's the difference?
Sarah Walker: Torture.
Chuck Bartowski: Okay, no surrender.