Louis C.K.: Shameless (2007 TV Special)
Louis C.K.: I was at a bar the other night. It doesn't matter where because I'm lying.
Louis C.K.: Whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to shut the fuck up. Because, first of all, if you're single, your life has no consequence on the earth. Even if you're helping people aggressively, which you're fuckin' not, nobody gives a shit what happens to you. You can die and it actually doesn't matter. It doesn't. Your mother would cry or whatever but otherwise nobody gives a shit. I can't die. I got two kids and my wife doesn't fuckin' work so I don't get to die; I can't die. I love her, but she's a painter. "Great. Paint a dollar; take some pressure off, please." But single people, when you-when you... they complain! Like, we don't complain when you ask a parent, "Hey, how's the family?" We go, "Great." That's all we ever say. It's never fuckin' great, but we say great 'cause we're not gonna tell ya, "Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity and, uh, my children are eating my dreams." We don't fuckin' bother you with that. We just say, "Great." But if you ask a single person, "How's it goin'?" They're like, "Well, my apartment doesn't get enough southern light and the carpeting is getting a little moldy." You know what you should do? Burn it down and kill yourself 'cause nobody fuckin' cares. "My girlfriend doesn't like the same music as me and she acts bored at parties." Well, fuckin' call her and say, "Fuck you," and hang up and leave her! You can end that shit with a phone call! I need a fuckin' gun and a plane ticket and bleach and shit.