The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

The Vicar in White (2007)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Geraldine Granger : This is my magazine collection: Brides, Beautiful Brides, Best Bride Guide, Bride and Joy, Bridalicious, Busty Brides, Bridle Paths in Oxfordshire...na, that's no good...Brides Hair, Brides Hair Revisited, and this is Martha Stewart's Weddings for people getting married in jail. We don't really need that one.

• [a power cut has just struck] 

  Jim Trott : Do you remember the Great Power Cut of 2001, when we had no electricity for 8 whole months?

  Geraldine Granger : No, that was just you, Jim. You hadn't paid your bill.

• [Last lines] 

  Geraldine Granger : A boy is born with no body, no arms, no legs, in fact he's just a head.

  Alice Horton : Oh, shame!

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, but his Dad loves him. And on his 18th birthday he takes him down to the pub for his first pint, and he takes a sip, and suddenly WHOOSH! Out plops his torso!

  Alice Horton : No!

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah! And everyone in the bar says Go on, take another sip! So he does, and suddenly whoosh! Out plop his two arms!

  Alice Horton : People say alcohol is so bad for you - they are so wrong!

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah. So he takes his third sip, and suddenly WHOOSH! Out plop his two legs! And he's so excited that he runs out into the street, straight into the path of an oncoming truck, and Bam! He's killed instantly. And the barman says to his Dad That boy should've quit while he was a head.

  [laughs] 

  Geraldine Granger : Do you get it?

  [Alice simply looks miserable] 

  Alice Horton : That... is the saddest story ever. Just when he gets a body he dies.

  Geraldine Granger : Right.

  Alice Horton : If only he hadn't gone to the pub. That head could've lived for years.

  Geraldine Granger : It's just a joke, Alice!

  Alice Horton : It's no joke to his father. He's just lost his son.

  Geraldine Granger : There is no son!

  Alice Horton : Well, not anymore - he's squashed under a truck!

  Harry Kennedy : Alice. It's a joke, because... the characters are fictitious, and the story is an invention and the somewhat tasteless comedy derives from a play on words involving the noun 'a head' and an adverb, 'ahead'.

  [pause] 

  Alice Horton : [laughing]  Oh, I get it! 'While he was a head'!

  [laughing hysterically] 

  Alice Horton : That's hilarious! 'Quit while he... '

  [Still laughing] 

  Harry Kennedy : Can we go on our honeymoon now?

  Geraldine Granger : I've just, erm... got to kill her.

  [Throws her hands round the throat of the still laughing Alice]